'what other is there?'

i'm going to stay up late tonight, i tell myself. i have to stay up late tonight, i tell myself again. i don't want to go to sleep again, i don't want to dream, i tell myself again. why minjun, why? i ask myself.

i thought about it for a really long long long time...

fear.

'maybe we're living a dream'.

i awoke at 6 into the morning. my eyes practically sprung open. i was dreaming. it felt real. i was actually living. i felt like i was alive and living. every breath i took, it felt scarily real. finally, everything felt real and perfect. and suddenly snap, i awoke. it all faded away. there i was lying on my back again.

i heaved. i couldn't breathe. i closed my eyes so tight. i was forcing air through my nose. it was real, i told myself. but, really, who was i kidding? i was dreaming, right? i wanted to scream, i need to. my chest was heaving. my skin around my body felt tight, like someone was pulling at it really hard. i felt like i was going to die anytime. well, i didn't though, quite obviously...

i was confused. really confused. so i told myself to close my eyes and go back to sleep and forget everything... apparently, it didn't work. it wouldn't anyhow.

maybe one day we would all just melt away into our dreams and live it forever. that way, wouldn't it all be better? wouldn't we all be happier?

'get the salt out of my coke please'.

funny how our taste, our judgement of things always change. funny how something that was once nice, once so... wonderful, can turn into the last thing you'd like to see.


i hate the rain. it's drenches my shoes all the time. and i don't suppose anybody likes it actually. it too gets you cold and sticky with rainwater which makes it another reason i should be bathing right now, or before, but despite reasons... and rain gets your bag all wet and gross, leaving you no option but to lie them in the sun, hoping it'd revive your treasured posessions.

and when it rains, you might get wet. when you get wet from the rain, you get cold. when you get cold, sitting on the bus is one of the last things you might enjoy doing. when you sit on the bus, the air con that mixes with your wet clothes don't exact wrap a blanket of warmth.


funny how mind games take place. funny how, even when i'm really freezing and the clothes on me fail to keep me warm, a strange textbook in my hand does. a worn out, passed down, math textbook does. and so, i hold it really really close to my chest and hug it really really tight... funny how i never fail to deceive myself all the time.

still, get the salt out of my coke please.


Together with a set of well trimmed eyebrows and mascara loaded lashes, Adrienne's misty dark green eyes sat perfectly proportionate on the line of cross section on her face. Unlike many others whose eyes reveal untold stories of their hearts, Adriennes pair of cold green eyes revealed nothing but anger. Her thick layer of eye shadow almost seemed as though applied in vain for her piercing stare that the world avoided would drain the life out of anyone who looked into them.

the paragraph above was written in ten minutes during Miss Lee's english class when we were practicing our decribtive skills. and gosh, if i were Adrienne, i would select a few people, tie them to a wall and just stand there staring into their eyes, 'draining the life out of them'. and trust me, i've already listed out a few- okay. maybe just one, who's at the top of my list for now.

'it wasn't meant to be'.

that familiar rush of time. the constrain. it's gone. i'm finally free. time is all i've got and yet it feels so strange. it feels strange to stroll out of the school gates when the sun is shining bright in the afternoon sky, which beats on your back and makes you sticky and sweaty. to stroll out though your watch shines an obvious '2:47' of sort... it almost feels like you're playing truancy, although no, not really, you're just free.

ha. i miss the rushing. the busyness of everything. the running into the bandroom. the beating of the school bag against my bag, though i have to admit i get that every morning on the way to school... ha. but still. okay, simply- i miss amb and i miss debate. and it's almost scary how i'm close to dreading the free time i've got on my hands currently...


jealousy jealousy jealousy kills.

'jealousy can kill'.

i figured the most interesting today: how much i missed debate. or at least standing up to speak in front of an audience.

today, for literature presentation, i opened my groups presentation on Hanukkah. okay, i have to admit i was slightly nervous. but gosh, the adrenaline rush. that feeling that overwhelmed me... it felt so good. yes, just standing up there to announce about Hanukkah being on the 25th day of the kislev calendar. or about how the rebellion army, Macabees, came about...

but oh well. Julia Gabriel's, as miss lee has said, might probably be my last debate. i'll treasure all the times i stood up and spoke about how this and that should be banned, how this and that is bad bad bad, or how this and that should be this way because of this this this. ha. i'll miss the words 'therefore, what we stand for tonight is... because...'

once again, i really really feel thankful to my fellow debators, Minyi and Erica. of course the helping ones who gave moral support and all too, Ryofred, Eugene and Carmina. and of course not forgetting the two great teachers, Miss Lee and Miss Sharmilah! thank you so much for all of you have made me a little more confident a way and taught me to love something that i'll never forget... thank you.


funny how we start to treasure something only after it's gone and it's over. when everything has ended do we only turn around and say hey, i miss it so much. haha. not much of a use huh?

Roxanne O.S.T of Moulin Rouge:

We have a dance!
In the brothels of Buenos Aires
Tells the story
Of a prostitute
And a man
Who falls in love...
with her.

First there is desire
Then... passion!
Then... suspicion!
Jealousy!
Anger!
Betrayal!
Where love is for the highest bidder,
There can be no trust.
Without trust,
There is no love!
Jealousy.
Yes, jealousy...
Will drive you
will drive you will drive you

mad!

Roxanne
You don't have to put on that red light
Walk the streets for money
You don't care if it's wrong or if it is right
Roxanne
You don't have to wear that dress tonight
Roxanne
You don't have to sell your body to the night

His eyes upon your face
His hand upon your hand
His lips caress your skin
It's more than I can stand

Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight
You're free to leave me, but just don't decieve me
And please believe me when I say
I love you

Yo que te quiero tanto, qué voy a hacer
Me dejaste, me dejaste
En un tango
El alma se me fue
Se me fue el corazon
Ya no tengo ganas de vivir
Porque no te puedo convencer
Que no te vendas Roxanne

Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight
You don't have to put on that red light
Roxanne

the jealousy is driving her mad. she screams, she cries.

yes, the jealousy will drive her mad. no, is driving her mad.

'what's gonna happen now?'

so she said a little more than she meant to. so she wrote a little more than she meant to. so she hurt a little more than she ever thought of doing... now, she wants to take her words back. she wants to say sorry. she'll go down on her knees, anytime, anyday. pretend she didn't say a thing, she didn't write a word, you didn't hear it. can you?

minjun prefers the stab. one day, oh yes one day, she'll get it...

'words that weren't meant to be spoken'.

yesterday, no two days ago, Minyi, our fellow debator, received the Best Speaker Award in the whole C division of the Julia Gabriel's Singapore School Debate Championships. congrats Minyi! ha. i think you deserved it (: she really did. anyway, congrats to the whole debate team. we got our throphies eh. despite the fact that it's light, maybe cheapo, i mean, hey my throphy fell apart in 2 minutes.

oh well. now that JG debates are finally over. here's a thank you to everyone for your supports. classmates, family, friends who bothered to say a word of good luck to me on the debate days. fellow debators who have helped me in many ways, making us, together, get all the way through the quater-final. teachers, ms lee and mis sharmilah, coach, jonathan pflug, for all the helpful teaching that got us this far... we wouldn't have made it without any of these people's wonderful support so thank you, nevertheless.


Minjun tends to blurt out words that aren't meant to be said. write words that are meant to be written or seen. do things that aren't meant to be done... Minjun has an embarassing habit to not think through something before it's done. but Minjun is terrible sorry for everyone she has hurt or affected. Minjun would take back her words if she could, she really would.

mama, i love you.
mama, i care.

would you believe me? would anyone?

of course though, i wouldn't let her.

'yes, respect. what happened?'

she locked herself into a little shell. it kept her safe, and kept her warm. she was away from all the bad bad things. she was happy. why shouldn't she be?

'i knew this guy'.

i once knew this guy.

who came along like an angel and ripped darkness and sorrow out of my life. who bathed me in such incredible light that it made me feel like i was floating, alive, in heaven. who made me dream, dreams i hadn't dreamnt of dreaming. who made my dreams come true, although i was very much awake. who made me feel alive then...

and on the 52nd day of knowing my angel, he ripped of his white cloak that he so often wrapped around me, giving me warmth, or used to dry the tears that ran down my cheeks. and on the 52nd day, i saw what i hadn't seen, i saw and wished i just had at least been able to anticipate it- i saw hell. he had flooded my life with emptiness and made me feel so dead, up till now...

i once knew this guy... he came and turned my whole world upside down, topsy-turvy. he made living a hell. and don't even ask me how.

Daughters by John Mayer:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

'there's only one thing'.

forever has passed. everything has changed. or at least everything is supposed to have changed...

the many reasons that once put a smile on my face still are very much applicable, i swear. things still make me smile every once in a while, really. i'm not all that deprived of happiness, without a doubt. but there is one thing that makes my day and has always been, the one thing that made me smile and still does without fail, for what seems like eternity. that one thing will always somehow succeed in wrapping me with a blanket of undescribeable warmth that anything else in the world can't...

forever has passed. everything has changed. or at least everything i supposed to have changed... supposed.

'reasons, give me all of them'.

i didn't go to school today. i woke up feeling sick, my head hurt, eyes hurt, my stomach churned, i could barely breathe. i could make it to school, okay, maybe i could. i just really didn't want to, my body screamed for a break, so did my mind. and with that, i fell back into bed...

i'mnot running a serious fever. my temperature probably went down from the morning's taking but my head still hurts, my eyes can barely keep wide open. i feel nauseous. gosh, i want to know what's getting over me...


c'mon, open your ears and hear my calls...

'losing everything, it doesn't matter'.

Elizabeth Bishop
One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

a beautiful piece of art by Elizabeth Bishop. i admire her work. it's beautiful and meaningful. it's about loss and i guess Elizabeth Bishop wrote it as though losing didn't seem to matter though it really, truly did. and well, she is hurt, but she pretends it doesn't matter...

this poem was featured in the show: In Her Shoes. it's a rather good show. should catch it.

i hope this isn't the second time i'm featuring this poem on my blog =X i tend to do that alot... ha. nevertheless, enjoy the poem and let it seep in. it's wonderful. love it, like i do.

'twice in one week'.

we didn't get through the semi-finals. it was a split decision of a mere one mark. i'm feeling utterly disappointed, yes. and i hate the feeling of losing... i've had enough this week. i've had enough of working together with a whole group of people, working so hard, and not getting what we know we deserve.

it was so close... everything's always so close. it's agitating to think i've missed out on so much by so little.


a smile i couldn't wipe off my face for nuts. if i were to say i didn't feel a shit, i'd be a plain lie because it made my day.

'losing everything, for once, i look forward'.

tomorrow's the semi-finals for debate! anderson debate team is going against bowen. and once again i'm freakin' out and i'm nervous. i want to finally be able to do a job that i'm proud of and not screw up anymore. i hope i'll make it tomorrow, and i hope we'll win. we need to. i'm done with losing to everything that matters...

i'm piled up with tuition sessions on saturday. 8 to 9.30 would be chinese, followed by 10.30 to 12 for math. kinda sucks and it's gonna take up a hell lot of enegy and time but i'm gonna try to make it to east coast for some good cycling. i need to go... i want to. i want to get over this barrier i've been hiding behind.

well, there is something i want to lose right now. every bit of it... actually, i've always wanted to. and now, more than ever. but how?

'amb is number one'.

for amb, i will. we did our best and yes, we have nothing to regret. we played our music, we enjoyed it, we loved it. we hoped the judges would too, so they didn't all that much, but nevertheless, amb still did our best. and yes, syf is just another performance. what matters is afterall the process, which will hold forever unforgettable memories. i love amb (:


if i woke up next to you.

'eat me'.

feelings i can't put into words. as far as my exploding emotions go - sorry.

'one day i'll get back'.

went to buy a notebook today. landed a beautiful fab one... didn't cost cheap but i didn't pay with my money so oh well. ha. i'm so absolutely proud of it. though it ain't my design at all but what the hell, it's still mine! woohoo.

amazing how a notebok can cheer a girl up.

one day, just one day you see, i'll get my revenge. my sweet little revenge. you watch out, you just watch your back for i'll run up to you with a knife that will go right in one day. one day. you watch, jessica speaks, and jessica means all she says.

'i won't surrender, it's gonna be a battle'.

had a wonderful barbeque just now. at pasir ris. brings back memories but to hell with them, they're lies. aha. at least this time i spent a wonderful day with wonderful people - family.

i don't care if anything's on purpose or if blind is what you are. but i'm not losing, and i'm not gonna give up. you won't see me drop to my knees and out my hands in the air, because surrendering is the last you're gonna see. i'm do what i do, i'm gonna build another second armor on me. it's war that i've declared. it's war and i'm gonna win.

'i want more'.

a huge smiley face and not a hint of being offended. i'm not please, not at all... maybe my words of simple english was not fully comprehended in the ways it should have. i'll wait for the day to hear a plea and see the dropping off knees to the ground. that will be the day i smile and say 'done'.

i'm gonna work harder. maybe, it's something that shouldn't be worked harder upon but to hell with it, it gives me a smile.

jessica is back.

'it's a two-way thing'.

sometimes, it's just all about giving and taking. it's about being fair in everyway. and that's what i'm doing here. when someone chooses to suck me dry and take everything i give for granted and only return things of which i don't appreciate and don't need, i do the same. i learn, and i learn fast. give me hell and i'll give you the same, taking with me a great amount of satisfaction too of course.

the dates are screwed. as i am.

'feeling like a fool, thanks to you. screw you, go drool'.

feeling like a total fool. it happens. has been happening. its just killing me... the way i'm falling, have been falling. the pressure on me kills at times. it doesn't sometimes too, maybe its about getting used. i can't wait to crash into the ground and end this endless fall once and for all. i'm actually praying i will soon, now.


did a whole lot of debate research of everything under the sky. ha. what a use of ink. i figured moe website has a lot of good, nice, juicy, useful stuff.

How Can I Not Love You by Joy Enriquez:

Cannot touch, cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
Must be strong
And we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel
Must pretend it's over
Must be brave
And we must go on
Must not say what we've known all along

[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you

Must be brave
And we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along

[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How do I not love you...
When you are gone

now that you're gone...

how does one walk away? yes. how?

'screw the fourth of april'.

bad day. now, lets attempt to not appear so...

oh yes, mini cornettos. they are wonderful wonderful treats. they are amazing heavenly therapy for the deprived tastebuds on my tongue. the brilliant taste and texture just sends me flying. i ate seven tonight and i feel drugged. i feel good. when you're feeling drugged, you're shit high and you're flying so high that reality has no chance to whack your face smack hard. thats the beauty, thats what i need, what i love.

i hate the fourth of every month, it's a day i won't forget, a day i'll try not to remember. i hate april, warm month, far from the end of school term and common test and syf month. four months before april was a good month, nice month. december, school holiday, wonderful hell of a time, dreaming, floating. but today is the fourth and april, the fourth of april. which makes it the fourth day of the fourth month of the year and the fourth day of the fourth month after december. which doesn't make it a good day. i don't really like the number four no more...

math reminds me of life. at least equations do. put a positive to one side and you have to add a negative to the other. it never lets both be positive. just the way everything else goes...

'it eats from within'.

it chews and it bites, you don't feel the pain, yet, but only the result of emptiness. it chews and bites from within, leaving a hollow empty space.

it's scary to think of what will happen through time.