'you're deemed with the title'.

i've decided to deem my mum, sis, brother and weiqin fat arses. they demanded for more and more fries the whole sad afternoon. so i ended up frying half the huge packet of fries for the whole lot of fat arses. aha.

my mum's being all depressed recently, she and that torn achilles tendon. but the fries made her cheer up, ahaha. together with a few dirty jokes from my sister. gosh, is she such a kid.


bastard- that's your's.

'it's you, i still miss'.

mama's back! but she's really upset and going all grumpy because she claims she can barely watch tv, she's feeling all sian. oh well. good knowing she's home, and that she's recovering but it's kind of worrying knowing that she'll be screaming the roof down anytime soon... oh no.


both of you, i miss you. i wish you two actually knew how much you mean. oh well. you guys aren't the first to be oblivious. i've gotten quite used to it.

'that was what i thought'.

i always thought that 'minjun' and 'fickled' never went together. never would. well, yeah, that's what thought or wished. but i guess it was, so far, the biggest mistake i have made of myself. because i've got to realised that there are some views or decisions that i have never stuck to before. and gosh, do i pray now, that i really do. i want to. always have.


i hope you're fine. you suddenly popped into my mine. it's been long since i've spoken to you, and i guess, honestly, i really do miss you. but what is there to do, what's said has been said, and what's done has been done. you may tell another story but we both know that a distance has already been built in between us, something i don't think we'll ever be able to breech. at least, not anymore.


oh, and of course. you. i've started thinking of you to. and, talking about you, too. not as much as i used to, i've to admit, but i still do. and, yes, i miss you too. or i miss what you used to be, or what i knew you to be. it's been forever, a really long a time, since i've really talked to you. and i miss it, i really do. thinking back, you really had a way of reading my mind and i don't think i'll ever find someone who'll be able to, ever. but, well, i just have to say i'm scared of what it'll all be in the end. and maybe i'm paranoid, or maybe, really, people just change too fast and too much, and maybe we both just have. aha. well, you can't deny the age gap too. but i guess, it's just not going to be the same anymore. probably won't ever be. but, if you do know who you are, i'll like to say: thank you for everything. i can't be anymore grateful for all the times you had held my hand through so much. thank you, mister. take care there.


i'm beginning to miss everything about nothing. nothing, because, as sad as it is, they're just not there, or not the way they were, anymore.

'give me reasons'.

i want to know why it all happened, why i let it. i want to know where the people i loved have gone, why everything is different. i want to know why i can't forget many unwanted memories, why i still replay them over and over again to myself. i want to know what i did wrong, if i was ever missing something. i want to know why this is happening, when it'll ever stop.

give me reasons. i want them, i need them.

Makes Me Wonder by Maroon 5:

I wake up with blood-shot eyes

Struggled to memorize

The way it felt between your thighs

Pleasure that made you cry

Feels so good to be bad

Not worth the aftermath, after that

After that

Try to get you back

I still don’t have the reason

And you don’t have the time

And it really makes me wonder

If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in

Cause I don’t believe in you anymore

Anymore

I wonder if it even makes a difference to try

(Yeah)

So this is goodbye

Goddamn my spinning head

Decisions that made my bed

Now I must lay in it

And deal with things I left unsaid

I want to dive into you

Forget what you’re going through

I get behind, make your move

Forget about the truth

I still don’t have the reason

And you don’t have the time

And it really makes me wonder

If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in

Cause I don’t believe in you anymore

Anymore

I wonder if it even makes a difference,

It even makes a difference to try

And you talk about how you're feeling

But I don’t believe it’s true anymore

Anymore

I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry

(Oh no)

So this is goodbye

I’ve been here before

One day a week

And it won’t hurt anymore

You caught me in a lie

I have no alibi

The words you say don't have a meaning

Cause

I still don’t have the reason

And you don’t have the time

And it really makes me wonder

If I ever gave a fuck about you

And I...and so this is goodbye

Give me something to believe in

Cause I don’t believe in you anymore

Anymore

I wonder if it even makes a difference,

It even makes a difference to try

And you talk about how you're feeling

But I don’t believe it’s true anymore

AnymoreI wonder if it even makes a difference to cry

(Oh no)

So this is goodbye

So this is goodbye, yeah (x 3)

(Oh no)

'oh, you lucky thing'.

lets start off with a short post of yesterday:

debate was great! i think Carmina, Jerald, Aik Meng, Ryofred, Afiqah and Soma did very well. and they definitely had put in a great amount more effort than a few of us, back then, did. Jonathan was emphasizing a lot on this too. oh well. and the debate was hilarious! nevertheless, good job everyone!

and after that i met Min Ying, Wei Shan, Gabriel, Serene, Pei Yan and Jeremy. we went to pasir ris together for AMB's barbecue. ahaha. they took forever to the get the fire started. it was amusing, but Dawn, Siling and I were too hungry to stay. so we left for Novena. but by the time we got there, everything was closing in our faces. the sound of the falling shutters still haunt me. we ended up at MacDonalds in the end, thankfully.


oh yes, when i saw your face, gosh did i only realise how much time i has wasted. okay, so i should have noticed since forever but it only striked me yesterday how immensely disgusting you looked. and, trust me, i'm not being superficial here. when a person doesn't have the looks, they normally have the decency to make an effort at being a nice person, or at least someone who isn't a total jerk, something in which you've absolutely definitely, without a doubt, failed at doing. sad for you then. ain't mattering to me no more.

and just a word for you: i can't wait to see it end. i'll be laughing.

'okay, maybe not'.

okay. on the other hand, as i look as my teammates start out doing all the scripts for the first time. i'm feeling really anxious. like, i want to help them, but i can't. i'm not that good myself too. and they look like they really have little idea what to do and all. really worried for tomorrow's debate. it's just practice, i tell myself.


maybe if i keep staring at the same page and i keep flooding myself with jealousy, i'd just overwork that 'jealous spot' in me and i'll explode. and then, that way, i wouldn't be able to feel any sort of jealousy again. ha. not making sense? hm, that's sad. i thought it was a rather good idea.

okay, now, who am i trying to kid?

'oh, damn'.

oopsy. totally forgot about the about the AMB barbecue tomorrow. ahhahaha. but i managed to push tuition forward tomorrow and all. yay (: so that's done. but i know i'll be all shagged tomorrow, once i get home.

hm. it's strange, sitting around slacking while my teammates are rushing through their scripts. it's just so weird. a feeling of useless-ness. like i'm not doing anything for nothing. oh well. i should appreciate it though, a break from the stress. ahahaha.

'ahh, yes. the jealousy'.

of course, it's killing. it's bloody tearing and ripping me apart from the inside. you know why? because i keep forgetting that bastards like you aren't anywhere near 'worth it'. actually, very far away from 'worth it'. but still, the jealousy still sticks. like leeches on my damn skin, sucking the blood, the life, out of me. it's irritating but it'll pass. i know it will...

at least, for a short time, it'll go. i think. it should. oh well, it better, because i'm almost dying with under the weight of the damn green monster on my back.

'she must be one hell of a goddess'.

went to lan with Jerald, Soma, Ryofred and Harris today. aha. got trashed real bad. and yeah, sorry to Soma for the team killing. ahaha.


you, egoistic bastard.


she must be one hell of a goddess huh? to be able to have changed you so much. what the hell does she have? magic potion? blind folds? or hmm, i'm forgetting what a jerk you are... ahh. she must have one hell of a figure huh? that explains your immense 'love' for her then.

'hush, little baby'.

mummy, i hope you're doing fine in hospital! i really do. we miss you here (: a lot. and get well soon yeah? i hope the table will be all packed before you get back. i'll try, i'll try! and we made a card for you! i'm sorry i wouldn't be there tomorrow. but nevertheless, i'll pray for you to be fine! take care (:


i hate seeing all those around me and all those who mean to me, upset. it's kinda disheartening, knowing i can't do anything. nothing at all. i just wished i could make everything right with a wave of my have. or maybe make everything right with a hug. but it isn't that easy, i got to learn. and it gets harder when they're all turning away.

maybe they just don't want the hug huh?

'i know it'll pass'.

it's strange seeing so much unbelievable change in a person. something so alien, something i never expected to see. and well, i've realised that there is a much more matured, sensible, understanding side, of this person, that i never knew before and i just wish i did. i just wish i were able to now. but well, they are just silly, senseless wishings of mine. and i hope and know they'll pass.

but of course, knowing that i'll never ever be able to truly get to know this person once again, i can't help but feel overwhelmed and almost drowing in this pool of jealousy i've dived into. which i too know and hope will pass. it has to, it should.

at least, from memory, i know that you aren't worth nothing from me. that is of course, memory of the past.

'don't worry'.

despite all the apologies and all the forget-its, i can't help but feel really really guilty. gosh, i've been such a kid. not only disturbing but really disgusting and upsetting. and yup, mister retainer boy, i am so sorry. yeah yeah, your guilt trips worked, happy? aha. one more acheivement to note then.

anyway, though i didn't really get the message, which i have to honestly say- looked like a mass sent or forwarded message of suicide. it was scary. i practically jumped out of my skin when i read it. don't you ever freak me out like that again! anyway, yeah, though i didn't really get it, i just have to say that you needn't ever have to try to make yourself treasured. because, well, you already are. forever will be, long have actually. and whoever doesn't, is plain stupid and really blind.

i've said it before, and i'm saying it again: i have no reason and explanation, nor an idea why.

aha. hope you get me there.

'you have no idea'.

i can't seem to care about much anymore. it's strangely worrying. two people, under the same roof as i am, are in pain. physical pain. and i wish i could really shower immense concern and acheive their every need. but horribly, and unfortunately, i'm more dead than i could possibly feel. i'm really too tired to care about anything else, selfish as it may seem.

they'll survive. they're fine.

as am i.

i just need to wallow in this self-pity for now. for now. i'm not you, remember? well, i do.

'bastard'.

Boy I want you to know
All you’re doing doesn’t hurt.
Since you want it that way,
Too bad for you.
All you are is a son
Randomly born of a father and a
Dog of a mother.

a poem that Bryan Benjamin Goh wrote for me. i had planned to put it up earlier but let's just say that i wasn't that free. so here it is.

anyway, Bryan, thanks.

'jess did, i didn't'.

why are you making such a fuss? it isn't the way you think it is. okay, so you're right. alright, i'm fine with it. it's just that everything hasn't been going about right. and i don't know what to do. this is the only way i can see that might work- running away.

for so long, everytime something went wrong. it was always gult trips you put me through. and i'd always walk out with an apology. you're proud of your manipulation skills. tell you what, i see nothing to be of. because you have no idea how hurting it was as, a friend.

i swear, i'd never give up. and i still promise you that with all my heart. but i'm just saving myself now. it's hard to understand, i know. but whatever the case, if you ever need me, i'll be here. but, as for me, i wouldn't die not being able to whine and i can be strong if i want to. so, i'll be fine, if you were even planning to worry.

thanks, really, for everything.

'you emo kid'.

first time in forever that i went to art class without my mum. really relieving. okay, not relieving. but different. like it used to be. without someone watching over my shoulder. it was relaxing, let's just say.

and so, at the studio i got to converse with Cynthia and people- Theodore, Christopher. ha. it's been forever since i've talked to Cynthia so freely, i repeat, without someone watching over my shoulder and watching over my every move and word.

Theodore, i got to find, can be absolutely gay (: ahahaha. oh well. nice, nevertheless. he called me 'emo kid' (he isn't the first) until he got to realise that i am two days older than him. silly boy. oh well.


i'm missing you.

'alright, it's final'.

and thanks again.

well, you welcome. i hope i've been a friend who was good enough. and i hope i've made you happier when you're down. i hope you really enjoyed that laugh. because i think that's the last i'll ever give to you.

it's a long complicated story but i think i know what i'm doing... ah, yes, i'm running. if you'll get that.


in my dreams, everything is right, everything is perfect and everyone cares. i rejoice. but everytime i open my eyes, everytime i'm welcomed back to reality, everything about it seems to be mocking my dreams.

'i'm done, for good'.

i'm lying here on the ground. i'm screaming, but there really is no sound. maybe i'm dead. that'll be a simpler explanation.

'just stab me'.

who's the hypocritical one.

how could i forget? i standing against an army of a thousand and one. how could i forget? minjun, you silly silly girl. you knew you'd lose. why didn't you run back? you stood to let yourself die?

'as always'.

sometimes when you love a person without any apparent reason, they normally won't love you back in return.

it's sad, isn't it?

'it ain't worth it'.

one thing i can't figure out is why i bother to feel for something so insignificant. something so tiny and useless. it's almost a waste of time and a waste of energy. there are better things to care for out there, better, more important people. i guess, it really ain't worth my time.

but of course, we tend to have unexplainable reasons for a lot of things, or an unexplainable bonding towards some things that deserve not to be noticed by anyone, don't we?

oops. that is a lot of grammatical errors there. i meant someone and some people instead of 'something' and 'it', really. i, honestly, made an error there.


a thousand and one unsaid reasons why.

'i'm not a kid'.

you've never been in love before, minjun, so you wouldn't know.

oh, gosh. go screw your damn bloody self. i'm not a kid. i'm 14, ain't the oldest a person can get but i ain't a kid and thats one damn fuckin' thing you better get. you don't read my life, it ain't a book. so you wouldn't have no damn idea of what i do and don't in it. so don't pretend like you know every shit in it. you aren't my sister. you're some outsider who hasn't any say when it comes to how i should think. because what i feel and what i think is my opinion. you're nothing to change that.

so if you fuckin' think i've never been in love before, suit yourself. but here's what, when a person is in love, they should still remain true to themself. and not give in to everything that their partner says. thats plain stupid. when you're in love, it's being yourself in front of the one person you adore most in the world. you can do the stupidest things, say the craziest things and just let your hair down. doing what you guys do is stupid. i never did and wouldn't pretend to be someone else i am.

in my opinion, that's not being in love. thats being plain, silly, infatuated.

so, go clear that damn mind of your's again. reset it. i'm f-o-u-r-t-e-en. and i'm not a kid. so go screw yourself if you have to do so. because you're just plain dumb. you don't know everything so stop being a bloody know-it-all.


age is just a number. i told you that before, but it didn't seem to get in. i expected a hell lot more from you. so much for sincerity. you once said that three was nothing but a number. yeah, i didn't exactly agree but i learned that it was true. you are a plain disappointment...

'silly girl'.

watching her was so funny. it was like a form of entertainment.

he was next to her, his face radiating boredom, resentment of her presense and anger. it was almost impossible to miss, i felt. well, she acheived the impossible, she didn't notice it. if not, she didn't want to at least. she reached out and place her hand ever so lightly on his. for a moment, his facial expressions changed. he was confused and relieved. he held her hand and squeezed it tightly in his for a split second before pushing it violently away. again, his facial expressions changed to that of what it was originally- anger and resentment of her presense.

the scared look on her face tempted me to throw my arms around her and tell her everything was fine. that she didn't need him and that she shouldn't. i so badly wanted to tell her she was being plain silly.


i didn't of course, who was i to do so?

'ambienceV!'

ambienceV was fun! yup, thank you to everyone who made the effort to come. can't appreciate it enough (: especially to those who made an effort to come even though you guys had to wiggle out of other commitments. thanks!

yup, and the NCO posts were given out too! congrats to Ben, Sikai. ahh yes, we'll definitely have fun working with you guys. and to my dear euphone section -trombone and us babes conbined!- i hope i wouldn't disappoint you guys in any way. and to Dawn and everyone else, thanks for putting trust in me. i'll try not to let you guys down too. Rae, have fun working with ya1 (:


no idea how i wanted to speak. how i wanted to be there, to say something. it felt stupid, it even sounds stupid. but it's true, nevertheless. i wanted and still want to have done and do so much...

you wouldn't know.

'what a nice move'.

hello!

i told you not to read it... bloody hell, why?

i don't know... curiosity perhaps.

curiosity? curiosity kills the cat, ever heard of that?

i'll respect your decision no matter what.

but i don't want it that way. i don't need you respecting my decision... i mean...

are you okay? you need your sleep. go sleep. go sleep.

but...

you need your sleep. night.

bye.

ahh. what a memoriable film. how can i forget? can you? well, i can't. the lines, oh, they keep repeating repeating in my head, over and over. i wish i could rewatch the film again and again. ahh, but of course, there's always a catch- i forgot the title to the film.

my dear, do you recall?

oh well. i remember the moral behind everything though. it goes something like: what goes around, comes around. oh, yes, a perfect recall. don't forget the moral. we should all learn.

'minjun, what exactly would stop you?'

some words aren't meant for me to read. some pages aren't meant for me to visit. if only i hadn't then i wouldn't be feeling this way. this same old exploding surge of jealousy. i feel my throat and my lungs tightening on me. i can barely breathe well. my heart is pounding again my chest, it's gonna jump out through my throat, i know. my surroundings are spinning and my mind is blank. my head is aching and i wish to faint.

let the scorpio speak of jealousy. she knows best.


Jealous by Nina:

Jealous of the girl who caught your eye
One of my darker days
When you looked at her where was I?
Shoulda been in her place
Here I am
All alone imagining what could have been
If I had been there

[Chorus:]
Jealous of the one whose arms are around you
If she's keeping you satisfied
Jealous of the one who finally found you
Made your sun and your stars collide
La la la la la la la
She's a very very lucky girl
La la la la la la la

Jealous of the one who won your heart
They say it's a perfect match
She's gonna get to be where you are
And I don't get better than that
She'll say you're fine
Whisper words I wish were mine
And they might have been
If I had been there

[Repeat Chorus]

You know I'd fight the good fight
If I thought I'd change your mind
But if she makes you happy
I would leave that dream behind
Man, she better treat you right
And give you everything
Cause at the moment she doesn't
I'll be waiting in the wings

[Repeat Chorus]

La la la la la la la
She's a very very lucky girl


tada. jealous lyrics. you read it? yup, my current feelings expressed right in these songs.

Teardrops On My Guitar by Taylor Swift:

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh cuz It's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

CHORUS
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

REPEAT CHORUS

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The Only one who's got enough for me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into...

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

'no. no, everything is wrong. it ain't right one bit'.

i'm sorry. i really am. hurting you was the last thing i want and wanted to do. it's something i'll never actually even plan on doing. and though i know i did, whether you would believe me or not, i didn't mean to. at all. i never would! take my word, please. if there was anything i want to bring into your life, it would be joy and laughter. nothing else.

my words aren't coming out properly. but i mean what i say. it's as far as i can go with this confused, aching head of mine.

if i could take myself out of your life, i would. even if it meant me losing a great friend, someone i treasure, i would. cause maybe that way, i'd take out a lot of misery from your life, wouldn't i?

okay, so my words aren't coming out right.

but really, believe me. what do i have to do for you to? you mean a lot, for reasons i wish i had. and in case i'm not convincing, and because this aching head of mine isn't really helping me get my words out properly, let me just say that the one day when you told me how we should talk as much and today. this whole few days have been torture. i feel like january 28th is repeating a hundred times a day. that's how much it hurts. that's how much you mean.

please, believe me. because i swear, with all my heart, that everything i do for you or to you, my last intention is to upset you. and that for everything else, i do with all my heart and soul. please.

please.

'i pray and i beg and i hope and i wish'.

i wish i'm blessed with a power. i wish i held a magic wand in my hand. i wish that i had it so that i could put a smile on everyone's face. cheer them up from their worse misery, the one thing i fail to do very often. i wish i could make those world's of people who are important to me right. i wish i could make everything fall into place for them with a magic wave on my wand. even if it meant me taking in all negativity for them, i would do anything to make all these people smile.

so tonight, yes, i will pray to awake with a wand in my hand. to awake with an endless amount of misery on my shoulders but knowing that i have made everything right for many by taking on all the misery. i pray for all of their worlds to be set right...

please, just please, won't you hear my prayers tonight. do it, not for me, but for all the people i love and make my world. the people who mean to me. just this once, i pray, hear me.

'torn between two sides'.

band camp was tiring. but yes, we survived everything, together.


two sides. i'm stuck in between and i wish i could choose a side. i wish i could ignore the fact that everything isn't going right on either side either. well, sadly, i can't. neither can i help but doubt everything that goes through my mind, everything that steals my breath. if i could erase every thought, every past event. oh how wonderful a thought...

i watch you walk away, i do nothing. what can i? sugar-coated words. they all came down to the same hard cold fact. i needed you there, you didn't seem like you wanted to be. i want to be there, you don't seem like you need me no more. i wish that i could be by your side forever, to stand by you, every second of my life. it's all i've been wanting for weeks.

you sat, you couldn't be that oblivious, i'm sure. the sad truth was revealed ages ago, yes. well, i can say i haven't really accepted it very well, i don't plan to want to. i can't. but i watch you fall, like i never have before. i want to be there, i want to know that you'll feel better in a while. i want to know that i can put a smile back onto your face... but oh wait, i did forget. you're all grown up, you, with no doubt, don't need me anymore.


if i could just hold you in my arms and tell you it'll all be okay.


When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne:

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever I know we were
Yeah, yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

don't walk away, please. come back.

'i miss you, but i don't need you'.

that's something i know and i don't have no damn doubt about. so read it clear, cause i'm typing it out loud. i don't need no one to survive and in the least you, of all people. be there if you want, not if you don't, it ain't mattering to me in any way. so like it or not, you aren't needed around. i can very well live without a person like you.

yeah, it ain't gonna be the same. yeah, it's gonna seem like something tiny is missing. you heard me, tiny. so you, don't come along and pretend you're the biggest, greatest damn thing on earth. because here's what the truth is like- you aren't. the whole world ain't about you. well, one thing i know i'd miss when you're gone is a damn narcissistic person to screw my mood up.

so long. goodbye.

'i won't give up'.

you hurt me. you hurt me bad. but, what was i supposed to expect from a person like you? i guess, i should have lowered my expectations. they were far too high for you to acheive, weren't they? someone i believed in, someone i genuinely care about, you let me down. you let me too far down...

still, i'll keep my promise. and when you're done looking at the world through a mirror and you've woken up to reality and accepted it, come looking for me please. i'll be here, like i promised.

'what the hell did i do?'

do i have to lose everyone i love before it'll be all fine. how can it be fine if i lose everyone i love?

this is worse than january 9th or january 28th. it's worse than anything i've ever been through. anyday i've ever lived through. i wish it were all a dream and that i'll wake up tomorrow, and it'll be saturday and i'd sms bryan and i'll be off to meet joshua and yan tze.


must i lose everyone i love?

'i don't love you'.

it's been long since i've woken up so early. oh well, i kinda fell asleep, reading, last night. the last time i remember sitting here, under the sun that shines in from the balcony, using the computer was on the 4th of december, last year. that's as far as my memory goes...

well, since i'm almost lost for words to put down, i shall post about my day's schedule: i'll be off at 10:30 to meet Swee Kee and get the program to edit and redesign. and then it's gonna be a 45-minute journey to vivo to meet Joshua and Yan Tze -like finally, i thought the day wouldn't ever come. ahahaha- and we'll be catching lunch there. those two still seem desperate to watch pirates, and i have a strong feeling they're gonna try all ways to get me into the cinema. which i won't. aha.

considering the amount of boredom i'm facing now, i decided i might dress up today. kill a little time...

I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance:

Well, when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

'believe it'.

Sports Day was boring. but i had my little bits of fun though. like milo collecting and all the laughter. aha. thanks Rachel for accompanying me out! had a wonderful time, erm, choosing hair bands. hahaha. and thanks Kenju, because my dear, i love you! ha. haven't laughed so much in a while. you're damn funny ;D

Minyi! (: year my dear, fellow debator. you should cheer up my dear! 'cause you have many friend around you, i believe. i would be one of them. you, my dear, i know, are strong. so yeah, you'll be fine, yeah? yeah. you better be. ahahaha. cheer up okay girl? would love to see that smiling, jumping, psycho, screaming Minyi soon (: smile!

Bryan Benjamin Goh! =D hey mister, like absolutely sorry for today. really. if anything upsetted you, i hope you know, i am really sorry. really really really. and i do hope you're fine and smiling. yeah, don't let it get to you please. so yeah, retainer boy, i'm sorry. and thank you. for everything, and of course, for spending that ten bucks. really sweet of you. really really really sweet (: ahahaha. yeah, it ain't salty!

anyway, last but not least, Happy Birthday Miss Lee!


Jessica, thank you (:

'never again'.

go on, scream. a perfectly beautiful day spoilt by The One-Of-A-Kind parents that i have. sometimes, i wished they could read my mind, without having to exchange words that very often come out in the wrongest of ways. i wish they could learn to listen more, the way i very much try to. maybe if they did what i do, just maybe, they'd realise i ain't all the way i seem. maybe they'd realise that i don't mean what i seem to.


i blame you. yes, i do. over everything. it's always you, it's all your doing. if not, who else's?

Never Again by Kelly Clarkson:

I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you're in bed with her
You think of me
I would never wish bad things
But I don't wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words

I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try to make it all okay

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew
Exactly what you would do
And don't say
You simply lost your way
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife
Oh, how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
You'll die together but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew
Exactly what you would do
And don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never wil
lNever again

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew
Exactly what you would do
And don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
I never will
I never will
Never again

'you make my days worthwhile'.

everytime i lay my eyes on you, my heart flutters. your voice, when it rings in my ears, it releases a thousand and one butterflies in my stomach. my knees bunkle i see you sitting there waiting for me. it's not a long time since i've known you but you mean so much to me that it's almost impossible to describe. when you're in my arms, i wish i never had to let go. i wished i could carry you, effortlessly, around the world.

you're my baby. and you're my everything. i'd give you my heart, my soul, anyday, anytime. you mean my world and i can't imagine life without you. you bring me to great heights and give me so much strength. i know, so very well, you'll never leave me. without a doubt. i trust you, with all my heart, i really do. although sometimes, you do cost me so much frustration, my feelings for you will never change, ever.

you're so beautiful. i never want to let you go, ever. though i know, that one day i'll have to let you go. i'll have to leave you and cry as i do. i will miss you when that day comes. i pray i'll never have to, but it's almost inevitable.

i love you, my dear 98 euphonium baby (:

'you give love a bad name. no doubt'.

school's getting redundant with all the pointless activities. we're done checking out papers, give us a break. the only thing i see myself getting from school now is a faster ruote to suspension due to my incapability of being punctual. so hello, detention, here i come.


it was music. all around me, yes, it was beautiful. and i was playing with all my heart and soul, or so i thought i was. yet, though, i swear i heard a voice. that sick little pestering voice. i swear i heard it, no doubt. but as i looked around again, the owner of that sick little voice wasn't anywhere. gosh, i'd rather you haunt me in a better way. no wait, i take that back. i rather you scram of the face of earth.

oh, i almost forgot. i actually have the power to do that for you. get your ass of the face of earth i mean. or rather, let me make that a little simpler to comprehend- i actually have the power to destroy your life. i know it, i hope you do now.

i blame you, and i never will stop. i hate you for all you've done, love you for all you haven't- which i have to thank the heavens, for god knows that you do nothing good.

You Give Love A Bad Name by Bon Jovi:

Shot through the heart and you're to blame
Darlin' you give love, a bad name

An angel's smile is what you sell
you promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love, got a hold on me
when passion's a prison, you can't break free

Whoa!
You're a loaded gun
yeah, whoa...
There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Shot through the heart
and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

You paint your smile on your lips
blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boy's dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye

Whoa!
You're a loaded gun
whoa...
There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Shot through the heart
and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love...

Shot through the heart
and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name

Shot through the heart
and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

'damn, what's happened?'

first band practice in what seems like eternity. gosh, was it almost magical. oh well, ambience V is coming up and you guys who read this, must come! it's on the 3rd of June, school hall, 17:30. tickets are selling at $10 bucks. pretty cheap, considering West Winds are our guest band for that evening.


not the way they seem. not at all...

'minjun's unsually happy, without a reason'.

after days of unreasonable crankiness and limitless tantrums, this surge of happiness is feeling very foreign indeed. so alien that it kinda makes me feel high, as though i'm seriously drugged. and this time, i swear, i'm high with a serious smile plastered on my face. it feels good to smile, to be happy. i've missed that ever since... a long time ago.

oh well. since i haven't much to post about or any reason for my unusual happiness, i'll leave with a bit of lyrics.

I Will Be There For You by Jessica Andrews:

When I lost faith
You believed in me
When I stumbled
You were right there
For every act of love you've done
I owe you one

There were hard times
I know I survived
Just because you stayed by my side
With all I have, with all I am
I promise you all my life...

Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever this journey may lead to
I will be there for you
Oh, I will be there for you

Through sorrow
On the darkest night
When there's heartache
Deep down inside
Just like a prayer, you will be there
And I promise you all my life

Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever this journey may lead to
I will be there for you
Oh, I will be there for you

Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever this journey may lead to
I will be there for you
Oh, I will be there for you

'suddenly the world seems such a perfect place. suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace. suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste, it all revolves around you.'

ah, yes, the wonder of beautiful lyrics that make beautiful, wonderful, sweet sweet songs. they make me smile very often. and yes, i think i'll waste a little space and feature one or more here. aha.

Better Together by Jack Johnson:

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things,
Like a shoebox of photographs,
With sepiatone loving,
Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart ,
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together

Mhmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone,
When the morning light sings
And brings new things,
But tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too,
Too many things I have to do,
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'll be under the impression,
I was somewhere in-between
With only two,
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do,
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mhmm, We're somewhere in-between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together

the magic of love. ahahaha. all potrayed beautifully in those amazing amazing songs above.

'god, have mercy on my soul'.

esprit esprit esprit. i love. ha. i bought a jacket from esprit today. though i did try a thousand other tops that didn't really fit me, and it should spoil my mood. but i swear, that one purchase that now sits beautifully, on my bed, looking so like it belongs, has made my day.

kenny rogers, i hope i'll finally meet you tomorrow. our date await my craving appetite...

Mercy On Me by Christina Aguilera:

Jesus, I must confess
That in all my loneliness
I've forsaken and I've sinned
Leaving fragments of a man so broken

I could tell you what I've done
Or should I tell you where I went wrong?

Well, the more that I start to play
My deceitful, evil ways
Keep growing stronger by the day

Oh Lord, have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me, please

Mother Mary, full of grace
In my weakness, I've lost faith
I've been careless, and I have been warnedA
nd the devil inside me is torn
God bless the man that I have scorned

Oh Lord, have mercy on my soul
For I have walked the sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me, please, whoa

Whoa, ooh, yeah yeah
Whoa yeah, yeah
Oh whoa, yeah, yeah, oh

Said, so don't let me fool around no more
Send your angels down to guide me through that door
Well I've gone and confessed my regrets
And I pray I'm not held in contempt
I'm so lost, and I need you to help me repent

Oh, Lord have mercy on my soul
Oh, I'm begging, I'm pleeding, I'm needing
I want you to know, yeah
So I'm down upon my knees
Oh Lord,
I need forgiveness
I need forgiveness
From you


i wish to find a reason for this.

'too late, thanks for the warning though'.

i lost my voice. or close to that. my throat feels like it's on fire. everytime i cough, a dry sick sound is created from somewhere in that burning well in me. the sound so coarse and the pain so hurting that it makes me nauseous. but to hell with the damn physical pain. it's just physical. and actually, i'm honestly thankful. although i may not sound that way, i am.

as i write this post, ironically, i've felt my throat burn and my stomach turn a sick feeling on me about twelve times already.


i wished so much to be there. i couldn't make it. i wish i could jump into the air, with my fist clenched ever so tight and with the smile on my face ever so well plastered and scream, a scream of thanks. a thanks that my absence was a blessing, for me and for the many others... i wish it were a blessing. or at least feel that having not been there was ever so close to a gift from the heavens.

sadly, i fail to. like alot of other things, i fail to accomplish this one thing too. this one small tiny wish. yes, like alot of other things.


i thought this sick illness would drained me of physical energy. i thought it was just that. ah, well, apparently not. as of everything else, my assumptions are once proven wrong again. again.

'of course, i do remember'.

The Pacifier. i first watched in on the bus in Kuala Lumpur with Ai Tong School Band. beautiful, fun, memoriable trip. complicated in a way, yes, i still do remember. every second, every minute, every word said, every action done. i remember so much, and yet so little. i remember what is past. and will always stay that way...

'i know i wouldn't have been able to do what i was expected to'.

'parnoid personality disorder'.

english noticeboard presentation to be done on thursday- research on psychological disorders here i come.

i found a whole long list of disorders and it just came to my attention that the strangest and most ordinary things are actual disorders. like Premenstual Dysphoric Disorder- it's like premenstrual stress. yeah, thats a disorder. and up to 70 to 90% of women suffer the disorder once they reach childbearing age. strangely, it still remains a disorder.


i could destroy your life in one sweet little phonecall. or one short little trip. i could tear your whole career down before you even started and i could literally destroy your life. your whole life, if i wanted. i just could, and i know that very well. do you?

'take me away'.

hear my voice. hear my screams.

the face i got to know is missing too.

'significance and memories, interlinked'.

barbecues are fun. especially when they're at east coast. and when they're with people you love. people who mean something, everything. people who will love you to your dying day and not lie about anything or everything. people who you can trust.

east coast is nice to be with people you love. but of course, nicer if they love you too.


redhill, henderson, east coast. thats a lot of travelling for me. and i've gotten enough. more than enough. it's tired me in every way possible. my head, my mind can kill. i think my head would roll onto the floor anytime now. it feels like it weighs a ton. yet, my body is fine and very much alive.

enough.

stop haunting me.

'you're everything'.

it's sunny and warm. close your eyes, do you smell the sea? darling, oh darling, lets fly back to heaven. lets fly away away. lets run to the sea and jump in. together, together hand in hand.

'belief'.

horoscope predictions. a guess or a coincidence? i believe more. how can something so accurate be just a coincidence sometimes? well, maybe if we all put a little faith into something, and a little trust and belief, then maybe everything would be easier. maybe if we listened to what told us was right, that little instinct in all of us, then we wouldn't be regretting over nothing.

a thousand people surround you each and everyday. maybe a tiny fraction of which you trust, a whole sea of others in which you don't. and maybe if you summed up all those you really trust, in your life, maybe it'd come up to a number no bigger than ten. well, i figured that sometimes although we should put trust into things we believe in, yes, thats what i said... but maybe sometimes, the best thing to put your trust and your bets on is yourself, the person within you. or maybe, the voice within you.

contridicting it may seem. just a little observation i learnt... and maybe just a few words of regret.


jess, i'm sorry.

'lies'.

do you think there's a way of twisting our thinking, doing someting that will warp our thoughts and make us believe what our hearts truly don't? do you think that if we, maybe, recited a wishful belief in our heads over and over again, we'd actually genuinly believe it eventually? is that how successful lying comes about? is it possible to truly believe in what we never felt we could? convince our hearts to feel otherwise about everything that went against our self-morals?

if it were possible, decisions would be easier to make. if things were so simple, minds could be changed within seconds. no, simply, minds could be changed. but of course, things don't work that way, no matter how much we really do want them to, do they? we can try our hardest to convince ourselves into feeling and believing in something, but in the end, even though we might think we have succeeded, would we have, really? deep down in us, would we have been convinced so?

god, if only things were so easy to change. if only things worked perfect. if only things worked that way. a thousand 'if only's.

if i could escape.


thank god huh. for what?

'dead afraid'.

one, two or three.

'exploding with angst'.

i need to scream. i'm so freakin' worked up, really over nothing, that i can almost feel an imaginary dagger, no, parang, in my hand. i am so ready to stab. to kill. to dig his guts dead. i want to stab it so deep into the one person i hate the most and watch the life drain out of his very eyes. to watch him go pale and die. to finally sigh in relief, knowing that i did the world a favour- i killed him.

but, of course, i can't. i can't stab him. i can't kill him. okay, i can. but i, obviously, will too die together with him, in a matter of days. i will be put on death sentence. considering my age though, maybe just a lighter sentence. but still, i can't... and that kinda sucks.

screw the possibilities man. tonight, as i close my eyes to sleep. as i bid reality goodbye for a mere 6 hours of sleep, i will grip the parang in my hand ever so tight and stab you in my dreams. yes, dreams. and tomorrow as i say hello to wonderful reality, i'll wake with a smile on my face. i'll wake with the pleasure of the thought of you dead.

god bless the day you die.

'if only in your face'.

first of all, let me start out with an apology to 2/3 for throwing up in class yesterday. really. sorry that you guys had to evacuate. i would have ran in time to the washroom really, if only the geog paper ended earlier... so yes, my dear 2/3, i'm sorry.


with everytime of the three times i threw up yesterday, i couldn't help but strongly wish you were standing before me. each time my stomach violently churned and it purged a disgusting substance up my mouth, i really wished you stood before me. i wished i could throw up all over your face. watching you squirm in disgust...

maybe that was what made me recover so quickly. the thought.

'the urge to kill'.

this is the part my hands tremble and i shake. i wish i could bring a knife to his neck and slice his into pieces. or her neck. anyone's neck actually... everyone's.

'three'.

i was born in 1993.
i was the 3rd kid in the family.
i'm in 2/3.
my register number is 23.
i wish i was 3 years old right now.
i've been painting for 3 years.
i ate 3 oysters just now.
i'm 13 today.
it's been 3 years already.

the square-root of 9, the number of sentences above is 3.

'i can't watch this'.

he wouldn't know. neither would she. or anyone.

who would? who would even care?

enough. enough of this.

'i'm not me'.

something's different. something's gone. it's irritating and it's bugging me because i can't seem to realise what it is. okay, maybe i have, but how can it be?

i'm not this weak. and i'm not going to fall. it's something unimportant, a waste of time and small. it shouldn't matter. it doesn't. how can it? yeah, of course it doesn't matter. it won't ever. i won't.

'minjun? minjun?'.

i never liked running with the aim of reaching out for something. i never liked sweating in the aim of running after something. i never liked the game of tag or catching. and, simply, i still don't. so why won't you guys stop messing me up and leave me alone. i do not like catching. and i simply do not like the games you 'll are trying to play with me. you heard me: i don't want to play tag anymore. i'm sick of being it. why don't you guys start chasing in vain for a start? you guys can tell me how you like it after that...


she's been acting so strange recently. am i doing too much for her? am i turning her heart to stone? she seems barely able to feel for anyone or anything anymore. where is she? maybe i'm taking over too much. on the other hand, it is something good. she is rather too weak, at times, for her own good. at times. but now, despite myself, i'm afraid that she's turned into a whole other person. she isn't the girl i knew... she isn't the girl who needs my help anymore. i've lost her, she's gone, she has disappeared.

once, her weakness was unbearable just to watch. i'd stand and watch her, laughing myself to sleep. a sleep of boredom... now, watching her scares me. she's insensitive. her emotions have disappeared. she watches others fall and she laughs, even those she used to love, those who meant the world to her. when she starts showing a little gratitude, a little sensitivity, i can't help but to breathe a sigh of relief: there's my girl. perhaps i taught her a little too much, held her hand a little while too long, too far. really, who is she now? i don't know her that well anymore...

maybe, just maybe, she has become me.

what have i done?

'more than important'.

i figured that there are only two people who can cheer me up from my worse of moods. as in, really cheer me up in the shortest period of time. like almost instantly. and i'm thankful (: so i'm gonna dedicate two whole paragraphs to these two people who are really important to me:

Joshua Gan! yes, my shrink, you. gosh, god knows how i have gone from mad to madder since you've gone into army but nevertheless, thank you for everything! it's heartwarming to know that there are people in these world that still feel that i'm safe enough to talk to, hopefully. aha. really, thank you for honestly, you are one of the people i have to really really really thank for bringing me through a whole lot of shit. and i cannot be anymore grateful than i already am, mister shrink... aha. 12th november is a week after my birthday by the way (: since you didn't catch that.

Bryan Benjamin Goh! yes, the one person who entertains my 'emo piang' calls very often. and yeah, thanks (: trust me, talking to you put a smile on my face very often and nobody's gonna change that. aha. and you are one of the weirdest sick people i know! ha. and yes, when i'm at my emo-est you are always there with your sentences that, 80% of the time, start with 'kiddo ar...' ahahahaha! yes, i've noticed! and of course your weird retainer habits. aha. so once again mister Bryan Benjamin Goh, thanks. for everything. for putting a little light into this world of mine... aha. leowliew min jun here appreciates everything, you LOUSY PRONOUNCIATER.

i thank god everyday for friends of those i have. for all the people in the world who respect me and love me for who i am... i thank god for ridding those who don't XD

'i swear i'll make you have less motivation to live than ever before'.

aha. i gave up on math. it's driving me mad. i give up give up. i really really really totally give up... oh well, one thing i know though: i'm going really early to school tomorrow. heh. that's if i can wake up in time... lalala.

i wish jessica didn't go off so early. because if it were her blogging now, she would have shown you all what made me extremely happy. ha. now, let just say she was a total bitch just now.

gosh, i love the sweet taste of revenge (:

thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great.


hello, i brought my blender and my knife. please, can i kill you now?

'mister bastard, jessica has a word for you'.

i've been doing math the whole damn day and i've only come up with a sad number of 20+ completed questions. and that kinda sucks because i have twice the amount more to go. sounds good? i think so. you think?

you asking me why i didn't complete it early eh? i deserve this, huh? uhhuh. i, honestly, damn right agree. because i bloody hell wasted a whole free day yesterday. and i was left with today to finish the whole truckload of work. but guess what? minjun ain't exactly the person who has a focus level of 100%. sounds cool? yup, i think it does.

so yay to the world, because minjun screwed up once again...


hey mister bastard, you know you ain't talking the truth. you know you, damn right, are lying. your promises? well, they never last. so why don't you shut that crap talkin' mouth of your's and bury yourself in a little hole to go rot and die. that's what i'd want. that's what a lot of people'd want actually... once, i was talkin' to some other guy who told me how he and his friend agreed that you'd be the one person a kidnapper should get because he'd be doing the world a huge great favour there. you wanna know a little something? i happen to really agree with him there.

so, mister bastard, take my sweet lil' advice and go bury yourself. or better yet, go jump down a tall tall building and die. alright alright, let me make it easier for that small lil' brain of your's to comprehend- just get your ugly lil' face off the face of this earth. you comprehend now? i really hope you do...

it's about time that you should just stop bloody lying to everyone around you.

'isn't that what love is about?'

i watched A Lot Like Love in the afternoon, after watching Moulin Rouge. A Lot Like Love is a really nice. really really sweet. the type of cheesy, typical hollywood sweet ending, type of a show. So is Moulin Rouge actually... gosh, i'm suck a sucker for romatic comedies.

i really really really really miss Love Actually. it's the one movie i've been craving for forever but my search for the recording always ends up in vain. sadly...

now, let me name a few meaningful phrases from the movies.

Moulin Rouge: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

A Lot Like Love: This is your life, it doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet.

'Isn't that what love is about? Going through thick and thin with the one person who means the world to you.' now, i'm not clear of which movie that came from. it's just a phrase stuck in my head, something i can't get out... i'm still wondering actually.

'what other is there?'

i'm going to stay up late tonight, i tell myself. i have to stay up late tonight, i tell myself again. i don't want to go to sleep again, i don't want to dream, i tell myself again. why minjun, why? i ask myself.

i thought about it for a really long long long time...

fear.

'maybe we're living a dream'.

i awoke at 6 into the morning. my eyes practically sprung open. i was dreaming. it felt real. i was actually living. i felt like i was alive and living. every breath i took, it felt scarily real. finally, everything felt real and perfect. and suddenly snap, i awoke. it all faded away. there i was lying on my back again.

i heaved. i couldn't breathe. i closed my eyes so tight. i was forcing air through my nose. it was real, i told myself. but, really, who was i kidding? i was dreaming, right? i wanted to scream, i need to. my chest was heaving. my skin around my body felt tight, like someone was pulling at it really hard. i felt like i was going to die anytime. well, i didn't though, quite obviously...

i was confused. really confused. so i told myself to close my eyes and go back to sleep and forget everything... apparently, it didn't work. it wouldn't anyhow.

maybe one day we would all just melt away into our dreams and live it forever. that way, wouldn't it all be better? wouldn't we all be happier?

'get the salt out of my coke please'.

funny how our taste, our judgement of things always change. funny how something that was once nice, once so... wonderful, can turn into the last thing you'd like to see.


i hate the rain. it's drenches my shoes all the time. and i don't suppose anybody likes it actually. it too gets you cold and sticky with rainwater which makes it another reason i should be bathing right now, or before, but despite reasons... and rain gets your bag all wet and gross, leaving you no option but to lie them in the sun, hoping it'd revive your treasured posessions.

and when it rains, you might get wet. when you get wet from the rain, you get cold. when you get cold, sitting on the bus is one of the last things you might enjoy doing. when you sit on the bus, the air con that mixes with your wet clothes don't exact wrap a blanket of warmth.


funny how mind games take place. funny how, even when i'm really freezing and the clothes on me fail to keep me warm, a strange textbook in my hand does. a worn out, passed down, math textbook does. and so, i hold it really really close to my chest and hug it really really tight... funny how i never fail to deceive myself all the time.

still, get the salt out of my coke please.


Together with a set of well trimmed eyebrows and mascara loaded lashes, Adrienne's misty dark green eyes sat perfectly proportionate on the line of cross section on her face. Unlike many others whose eyes reveal untold stories of their hearts, Adriennes pair of cold green eyes revealed nothing but anger. Her thick layer of eye shadow almost seemed as though applied in vain for her piercing stare that the world avoided would drain the life out of anyone who looked into them.

the paragraph above was written in ten minutes during Miss Lee's english class when we were practicing our decribtive skills. and gosh, if i were Adrienne, i would select a few people, tie them to a wall and just stand there staring into their eyes, 'draining the life out of them'. and trust me, i've already listed out a few- okay. maybe just one, who's at the top of my list for now.

'it wasn't meant to be'.

that familiar rush of time. the constrain. it's gone. i'm finally free. time is all i've got and yet it feels so strange. it feels strange to stroll out of the school gates when the sun is shining bright in the afternoon sky, which beats on your back and makes you sticky and sweaty. to stroll out though your watch shines an obvious '2:47' of sort... it almost feels like you're playing truancy, although no, not really, you're just free.

ha. i miss the rushing. the busyness of everything. the running into the bandroom. the beating of the school bag against my bag, though i have to admit i get that every morning on the way to school... ha. but still. okay, simply- i miss amb and i miss debate. and it's almost scary how i'm close to dreading the free time i've got on my hands currently...


jealousy jealousy jealousy kills.

'jealousy can kill'.

i figured the most interesting today: how much i missed debate. or at least standing up to speak in front of an audience.

today, for literature presentation, i opened my groups presentation on Hanukkah. okay, i have to admit i was slightly nervous. but gosh, the adrenaline rush. that feeling that overwhelmed me... it felt so good. yes, just standing up there to announce about Hanukkah being on the 25th day of the kislev calendar. or about how the rebellion army, Macabees, came about...

but oh well. Julia Gabriel's, as miss lee has said, might probably be my last debate. i'll treasure all the times i stood up and spoke about how this and that should be banned, how this and that is bad bad bad, or how this and that should be this way because of this this this. ha. i'll miss the words 'therefore, what we stand for tonight is... because...'

once again, i really really feel thankful to my fellow debators, Minyi and Erica. of course the helping ones who gave moral support and all too, Ryofred, Eugene and Carmina. and of course not forgetting the two great teachers, Miss Lee and Miss Sharmilah! thank you so much for all of you have made me a little more confident a way and taught me to love something that i'll never forget... thank you.


funny how we start to treasure something only after it's gone and it's over. when everything has ended do we only turn around and say hey, i miss it so much. haha. not much of a use huh?

Roxanne O.S.T of Moulin Rouge:

We have a dance!
In the brothels of Buenos Aires
Tells the story
Of a prostitute
And a man
Who falls in love...
with her.

First there is desire
Then... passion!
Then... suspicion!
Jealousy!
Anger!
Betrayal!
Where love is for the highest bidder,
There can be no trust.
Without trust,
There is no love!
Jealousy.
Yes, jealousy...
Will drive you
will drive you will drive you

mad!

Roxanne
You don't have to put on that red light
Walk the streets for money
You don't care if it's wrong or if it is right
Roxanne
You don't have to wear that dress tonight
Roxanne
You don't have to sell your body to the night

His eyes upon your face
His hand upon your hand
His lips caress your skin
It's more than I can stand

Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight
You're free to leave me, but just don't decieve me
And please believe me when I say
I love you

Yo que te quiero tanto, qué voy a hacer
Me dejaste, me dejaste
En un tango
El alma se me fue
Se me fue el corazon
Ya no tengo ganas de vivir
Porque no te puedo convencer
Que no te vendas Roxanne

Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight
You don't have to put on that red light
Roxanne

the jealousy is driving her mad. she screams, she cries.

yes, the jealousy will drive her mad. no, is driving her mad.

'what's gonna happen now?'

so she said a little more than she meant to. so she wrote a little more than she meant to. so she hurt a little more than she ever thought of doing... now, she wants to take her words back. she wants to say sorry. she'll go down on her knees, anytime, anyday. pretend she didn't say a thing, she didn't write a word, you didn't hear it. can you?

minjun prefers the stab. one day, oh yes one day, she'll get it...

'words that weren't meant to be spoken'.

yesterday, no two days ago, Minyi, our fellow debator, received the Best Speaker Award in the whole C division of the Julia Gabriel's Singapore School Debate Championships. congrats Minyi! ha. i think you deserved it (: she really did. anyway, congrats to the whole debate team. we got our throphies eh. despite the fact that it's light, maybe cheapo, i mean, hey my throphy fell apart in 2 minutes.

oh well. now that JG debates are finally over. here's a thank you to everyone for your supports. classmates, family, friends who bothered to say a word of good luck to me on the debate days. fellow debators who have helped me in many ways, making us, together, get all the way through the quater-final. teachers, ms lee and mis sharmilah, coach, jonathan pflug, for all the helpful teaching that got us this far... we wouldn't have made it without any of these people's wonderful support so thank you, nevertheless.


Minjun tends to blurt out words that aren't meant to be said. write words that are meant to be written or seen. do things that aren't meant to be done... Minjun has an embarassing habit to not think through something before it's done. but Minjun is terrible sorry for everyone she has hurt or affected. Minjun would take back her words if she could, she really would.

mama, i love you.
mama, i care.

would you believe me? would anyone?

of course though, i wouldn't let her.

'yes, respect. what happened?'

she locked herself into a little shell. it kept her safe, and kept her warm. she was away from all the bad bad things. she was happy. why shouldn't she be?

'i knew this guy'.

i once knew this guy.

who came along like an angel and ripped darkness and sorrow out of my life. who bathed me in such incredible light that it made me feel like i was floating, alive, in heaven. who made me dream, dreams i hadn't dreamnt of dreaming. who made my dreams come true, although i was very much awake. who made me feel alive then...

and on the 52nd day of knowing my angel, he ripped of his white cloak that he so often wrapped around me, giving me warmth, or used to dry the tears that ran down my cheeks. and on the 52nd day, i saw what i hadn't seen, i saw and wished i just had at least been able to anticipate it- i saw hell. he had flooded my life with emptiness and made me feel so dead, up till now...

i once knew this guy... he came and turned my whole world upside down, topsy-turvy. he made living a hell. and don't even ask me how.

Daughters by John Mayer:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

'there's only one thing'.

forever has passed. everything has changed. or at least everything is supposed to have changed...

the many reasons that once put a smile on my face still are very much applicable, i swear. things still make me smile every once in a while, really. i'm not all that deprived of happiness, without a doubt. but there is one thing that makes my day and has always been, the one thing that made me smile and still does without fail, for what seems like eternity. that one thing will always somehow succeed in wrapping me with a blanket of undescribeable warmth that anything else in the world can't...

forever has passed. everything has changed. or at least everything i supposed to have changed... supposed.

'reasons, give me all of them'.

i didn't go to school today. i woke up feeling sick, my head hurt, eyes hurt, my stomach churned, i could barely breathe. i could make it to school, okay, maybe i could. i just really didn't want to, my body screamed for a break, so did my mind. and with that, i fell back into bed...

i'mnot running a serious fever. my temperature probably went down from the morning's taking but my head still hurts, my eyes can barely keep wide open. i feel nauseous. gosh, i want to know what's getting over me...


c'mon, open your ears and hear my calls...

'losing everything, it doesn't matter'.

Elizabeth Bishop
One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

a beautiful piece of art by Elizabeth Bishop. i admire her work. it's beautiful and meaningful. it's about loss and i guess Elizabeth Bishop wrote it as though losing didn't seem to matter though it really, truly did. and well, she is hurt, but she pretends it doesn't matter...

this poem was featured in the show: In Her Shoes. it's a rather good show. should catch it.

i hope this isn't the second time i'm featuring this poem on my blog =X i tend to do that alot... ha. nevertheless, enjoy the poem and let it seep in. it's wonderful. love it, like i do.

'twice in one week'.

we didn't get through the semi-finals. it was a split decision of a mere one mark. i'm feeling utterly disappointed, yes. and i hate the feeling of losing... i've had enough this week. i've had enough of working together with a whole group of people, working so hard, and not getting what we know we deserve.

it was so close... everything's always so close. it's agitating to think i've missed out on so much by so little.


a smile i couldn't wipe off my face for nuts. if i were to say i didn't feel a shit, i'd be a plain lie because it made my day.

'losing everything, for once, i look forward'.

tomorrow's the semi-finals for debate! anderson debate team is going against bowen. and once again i'm freakin' out and i'm nervous. i want to finally be able to do a job that i'm proud of and not screw up anymore. i hope i'll make it tomorrow, and i hope we'll win. we need to. i'm done with losing to everything that matters...

i'm piled up with tuition sessions on saturday. 8 to 9.30 would be chinese, followed by 10.30 to 12 for math. kinda sucks and it's gonna take up a hell lot of enegy and time but i'm gonna try to make it to east coast for some good cycling. i need to go... i want to. i want to get over this barrier i've been hiding behind.

well, there is something i want to lose right now. every bit of it... actually, i've always wanted to. and now, more than ever. but how?

'amb is number one'.

for amb, i will. we did our best and yes, we have nothing to regret. we played our music, we enjoyed it, we loved it. we hoped the judges would too, so they didn't all that much, but nevertheless, amb still did our best. and yes, syf is just another performance. what matters is afterall the process, which will hold forever unforgettable memories. i love amb (:


if i woke up next to you.

'eat me'.

feelings i can't put into words. as far as my exploding emotions go - sorry.

'one day i'll get back'.

went to buy a notebook today. landed a beautiful fab one... didn't cost cheap but i didn't pay with my money so oh well. ha. i'm so absolutely proud of it. though it ain't my design at all but what the hell, it's still mine! woohoo.

amazing how a notebok can cheer a girl up.

one day, just one day you see, i'll get my revenge. my sweet little revenge. you watch out, you just watch your back for i'll run up to you with a knife that will go right in one day. one day. you watch, jessica speaks, and jessica means all she says.

'i won't surrender, it's gonna be a battle'.

had a wonderful barbeque just now. at pasir ris. brings back memories but to hell with them, they're lies. aha. at least this time i spent a wonderful day with wonderful people - family.

i don't care if anything's on purpose or if blind is what you are. but i'm not losing, and i'm not gonna give up. you won't see me drop to my knees and out my hands in the air, because surrendering is the last you're gonna see. i'm do what i do, i'm gonna build another second armor on me. it's war that i've declared. it's war and i'm gonna win.

'i want more'.

a huge smiley face and not a hint of being offended. i'm not please, not at all... maybe my words of simple english was not fully comprehended in the ways it should have. i'll wait for the day to hear a plea and see the dropping off knees to the ground. that will be the day i smile and say 'done'.

i'm gonna work harder. maybe, it's something that shouldn't be worked harder upon but to hell with it, it gives me a smile.

jessica is back.

'it's a two-way thing'.

sometimes, it's just all about giving and taking. it's about being fair in everyway. and that's what i'm doing here. when someone chooses to suck me dry and take everything i give for granted and only return things of which i don't appreciate and don't need, i do the same. i learn, and i learn fast. give me hell and i'll give you the same, taking with me a great amount of satisfaction too of course.

the dates are screwed. as i am.

'feeling like a fool, thanks to you. screw you, go drool'.

feeling like a total fool. it happens. has been happening. its just killing me... the way i'm falling, have been falling. the pressure on me kills at times. it doesn't sometimes too, maybe its about getting used. i can't wait to crash into the ground and end this endless fall once and for all. i'm actually praying i will soon, now.


did a whole lot of debate research of everything under the sky. ha. what a use of ink. i figured moe website has a lot of good, nice, juicy, useful stuff.

How Can I Not Love You by Joy Enriquez:

Cannot touch, cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
Must be strong
And we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel
Must pretend it's over
Must be brave
And we must go on
Must not say what we've known all along

[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you

Must be brave
And we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along

[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How do I not love you...
When you are gone

now that you're gone...

how does one walk away? yes. how?

'screw the fourth of april'.

bad day. now, lets attempt to not appear so...

oh yes, mini cornettos. they are wonderful wonderful treats. they are amazing heavenly therapy for the deprived tastebuds on my tongue. the brilliant taste and texture just sends me flying. i ate seven tonight and i feel drugged. i feel good. when you're feeling drugged, you're shit high and you're flying so high that reality has no chance to whack your face smack hard. thats the beauty, thats what i need, what i love.

i hate the fourth of every month, it's a day i won't forget, a day i'll try not to remember. i hate april, warm month, far from the end of school term and common test and syf month. four months before april was a good month, nice month. december, school holiday, wonderful hell of a time, dreaming, floating. but today is the fourth and april, the fourth of april. which makes it the fourth day of the fourth month of the year and the fourth day of the fourth month after december. which doesn't make it a good day. i don't really like the number four no more...

math reminds me of life. at least equations do. put a positive to one side and you have to add a negative to the other. it never lets both be positive. just the way everything else goes...

'it eats from within'.

it chews and it bites, you don't feel the pain, yet, but only the result of emptiness. it chews and bites from within, leaving a hollow empty space.

it's scary to think of what will happen through time.