'sicker than before'.

i managed to re-load my ipod with nicer songs. at least now i don't have to scroll through my ipod frantically, wondering why i even put the song in... so half way through loading, i went to bath, in cold water. i feel better that way. and put on my pe t-shirt. i've began to realised i don't have any home clothes anymore. other than my anderson yeah and pe tshirts. ha. pathetic? yeah. i would think.

oh well. so after taking about an hour's plus of my time, i finally finished loading the songs. i closed itunes, disconnected my ipod and grabbed my book to my room. turned on the lights, jabbed my earpiece into my ears and turned up the volume of my newly-loaded ipod. i flipped flipped flipped the last few pages of my book and i was done. i finished a book.

i went back out to my study, got another one and sat down on my bed to start over again. i read through the first 10 pages and put it down. my ipod was playing Goodbye My Lover. i felt sick. but i refused to change the song. something about it made me go on listening... i felt sicker just listening to it. i lied on my comfortor on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. the song changed to Through With You.

the dampness of my hair that hadn't dried suddenly felt more damp. it was wetting the quilt/comfortor under my head. i didn't like the thought... the lyrics of the song was piercing into my ears. i could have changed the music, my finger was already on the 'forward' button. i didn't press down on it. i just closed my eyes and tried to get the feeling out of my stomach. the squeeze was gettin' on my nerves...

i felt like i could kneel in front of the toilet and puke for a 1000 whole days... i feel sicker now. now tha,t suddenly, my mind has suddenly cleared and these hurting thoughts come rushing in. shit. what are these? why haven't i seen them before? these thoughts.

i wanna puke. i can't.

the thought of you just makes me feel sick now. can you believe it? as much as i want to, i can't.