'why don't you tell me?'

something about the composition of my family is getting at me. i'm hoping it's only for tonight...


it was simply nothing, but i felt so rejected.

'i could have exploded'.

band practices! aha. they was marvellously fun. i mean, i was tired but they were enjoyable. attended the alumni pracs too. ha, beautiful songs. and main band prac was equally fun.

weishan, darling, take care okay! (: love love love.


you can't do that to someone. you can't shove all these shocking news into my face and then pretend that i'm supposed to be fine! i could have died, and it would have been your... what? you're not to blame? you're saying that i am weak and that what you did was not at all wrong. is that right? well, i tell you you're speaking bullshit. don't you walk away!... the next time, please, at least hand this to me slowly. don't shove it all down my throat. i almost exploded from all the anxiety.

yeah yeah, i'll see you around then. please spare me the next time okay? yes, that will be fine. goodbye.

'dang, i'm gonna miss everyone'.

went out with Soma, Jerald, Harris, Bryan, Abraham, Ryofred, Jefferson and Eugene today.

actually, i met Soma in school. then joined Harris, Abraham, Ryofred and Bryan at Braddell Hill. played a little tennis and all. then the rest joined us for lan games. battlefield2 actually. (: had loads of fun. but i'm in great debts. and the people who loaned me the money, just won't leave me alone...

oh. and yeah, Soma's leaving for NJC and i'm gonna miss him. all his crappy shit, and his 'minjun you're such an evil bitch' crap. aha. NJC, you guys are so bloody lucky. you'll realize in time. all the best in everything you do, soma!


oh. and i wanted to put this up. so, here goes:


i love love love love. loads.

'goodbye 2/3'.

today's, officially, the last day of school. and, therefore, the last time we'll be together. i'm gonna miss everyone so bad. nothing's ever gonna be the same again. we're never gonna have so much fun together again. we're never gonna have the same fun (noisy) lessons in which the teachers may laugh along or cry over.

i don't know how to put what i feel into words but i'm genuinely thankful for everything we've gone through together. and to all those that have been there for me all this while, Naomie, Steph, Erica, Pao and Carmina, thank you so so so much. wouldn't know what to do with you guys. (:

and to all the teachers, even if you all will read this or not - thank you so much. for being able through each and every lessons with us. pushing us on when we need your support and all the times you all have patiently prep-talked us into 'changing for the better'. everything you all have done is greatly appreciated.

and to miss lee, thank you for being our form teacher for all these days. many of us are truly touched by your love and effort that you have dedicated to us. so, once again - thank you so much.

oh well, whatever it is, together or apart - the 2/3 spirit will always stay within us all.


This I Swear by Nick Lachey:

You're there by my side
In every way
I know that you will not forsake me
I give you my life
I would not think twice
Your love is all I need, believe me

I may not say it
Quite as much as I should
But when I say, I love you
Darling, that means for good
So open up your heart and let me in

And I will love you, until forever
Until death do us part
We'll be together
So, take my hand
And hold on tight
And we'll get there
This I swear

I’m wondering how I ever get by
Without you in my life to guide me
Wherever I go, one thing that’s true
Is everything I do
I do it for you

I may not say it
Half as much as I should
But when I say, I love you
Darling, that means for good
So open up you heart and let me in

And I will love you, until forever
Until death do us part
We'll be together
So, take my hand
And hold on tight
And we'll get there
This I swear

So whenever you get weary
Just reach out for me
I'll never let you down, my love

And I will love you, until forever
(Until death do us part)
Until death do us part
We'll be together
So take my hand
(So take my hand)
And hold on tight
And we'll get there
Oh, we'll get there
And this I swear

And I will love you, until forever
(Until death do us part)
Until death do us part
We'll be together
So take my hand
(So take my hand)
And hold on tight
And we'll get there
Oh, we'll get there
And this I swear

'my hair is slightly wet'.

because i just showered and my hair is wet, therefore i can't sleep, i decided to look up poems. Elizabeth Bishop is still my favourite poet, up till date.


Insomnia

The moon in the bureau mirror
looks out a million miles
(and perhaps with pride, at herself,
but she never, never smiles)
far and away beyond sleep, or
perhaps she's a daytime sleeper.

By the Universe deserted,
she'd tell it to go to hell,
and she'd find a body of water,
or a mirror, on which to dwell.
So wrap up care in a cobweb
and drop it down the well

into that world inverted
where left is always right,
where the shadows are really the body,
where we stay awake all night,
where the heavens are shallow as the sea
is now deep, and you love me.

Elizabeth Bishop


beautiful? indeed.

'no, no. i'm not late, really'.

no, mister, i can swear. i'm not late. i arrived here precisely on time, if not an hour before. what? you didn't see me? well, you never do actually... i feel this is rather unfair. i'm not late and i have never been late, not when it comes to this. i'm always punctual for events such as this. i'm always here, right on time.

no, no! you can't do this, you can't do this to me. it's not my fault you haven't seen me standing here for the past few hours. all you've been doing is attending to this other people, who had arrived far later than me... unreasonable. had you seen me, and bothered with my presence, you would have noticed i was here a long time ago. i've been here so long that i lost track of time. and yet you never seem to notice me.

won't happen. no, absolutely not. this is absurd. i am definitely not leaving, not moving an inch, thank you. i've been here for so long. no matter what you say, i'm staying. because i want to and because i've been here for so long, i see no difference in leaving. why am i being difficult? mister, i am not. if anyone to blame, it's you. you've failed to notice me despite me waving my hands in the air frantically, trying to catch your attention.

i'm staying put. it's not because i'm being difficult but i feel that this is my place, this is where i should be. i came here early, for one. and i'm not going till my job's done, or at least not till i feel that it's done. no, don't mind me at all. i'll be sitting right here, under this tree. tell me when you finally have the time.

goodbye then. oh, yes, mister. don't worry, i like staying here. it's been a long time since i've been sat down here, watching you carry out all your business. i dare say that you're good at your job. and i do enjoy admiring you do it so well. oh, do get on with your job then. i'll just wait here. of course, also because i want to.

'this can't be right... it simply isn't'.

we all got back our papers today, and i'll say that i didn't do too well. and well, a little disappointed, but i can't do anything anymore. so i'll just concentrate on choosing the right stream for next year.


yesterday when i went jogging, i brought my mp3 along. after jogging through shunfu estate and making around through sin ming terraces, i turned back, terribly exhausted. so after a while, i begin to slow down into a brisk walk... only then did i hear a song play on my mp3. something about it sparked something off in me.

i begin to sprint. i must have been running really fast, because, well, people were giving me weird stares. either that or it might have been because of the smile on my face. well, the song was beautiful. and it made me feel happy. really happy.

it made me feel so light, again. like i could almost fly, the way i had felt before. the happiness one only enjoys for only this few times in their entire life. that bit of freedom and pure joy that not many might understand. that feeling that sends a wonderful sensation throughout your body, your soul. as if, your every nerve is dancing in joy.

when the song reminded me of all that, a part of me just wanted to run, so fast, hoping that if i did run fast enough, perhaps it'll all come back to me for good. perhaps, i'll get to be granted a chance to live those feelings of pure bliss over, again.

of course, i stopped, after a while... but still, something about the song made me thankful. for everything i've been given. and though it's not still with me, i guess the memories would do enough.


here's it for you. wonderful song. enjoy.



Just For You by William Tell:

I can't seem to catch my breath
It's in front of me, behind your lips

Here I go, letting go
Just to never let you go
I never thought I could be like this

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You showed me a place I've seen but never knew
So here I am, here I am, here I am, here I am
Just for you

Just for you

In dark moving hands to find my way (way, way, way)
Reaching for a chance
And the words to say

And here I go, letting go
Just to never let you go
I'm so scared to feel so safe

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You showed me a place I've seen but never knew
So here I am, here I am, here I am, here I am
Just for you

I've been so quiet for so long
Waiting for the chance to find me
And now I'm finding out
And things have never been so real
And never felt the way they should be
And now they found me

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've showed me a place I've seen but never knew

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've showed me a place I've seen but never knew
So here I am, here I am, here I am, here I am
Just for you

Just for you

'am i guessing right? because, for the first time, i wanna be wrong'.

i did my running today. couldn't feel any better. the adrenaline rush was just crazy... i love running in the evenings. i really do.


watched Zodiac. i honestly enjoyed it.


dang, this is killing me. please, take care.

'that explains everything now'.

i feel so sick. woke up with a heavy head, could barely get up so i fell back right into deep sleep. when i woke up, my head stil hurt but i got up to have breakfast anyway. and now, i feel awfully nauseous and wanting to puke. i think i caught a flu.


right. so that's why? because you've been too busy. right right, i see that now. and i guess that would also explain all the weird disgusting things i've been witnessing. and the nicknames and the sick sick describtions. i don't see what you see in her. and i doubt i ever will.

'if you could choose, perhaps...'

would you really prefer living in a world of your own, all your life? a world where everything came true and everything you wished for would turn real in an instant, and everything around you was made up just to your preferences. and yet, also knowing that everything around you wasn't exactly real and never getting a taste of the real world, or reality. never getting to know what living really is like.

or would you rather prefer living in a life where everything around you was so real, too real? where you'd have to face failure or disappointments everyday. a life like we're all living in now. where you just wish that you could just, for once, have your wishes come true. in a world where things you wish only come true when you lay your head down on a pillow a fall into a deep soundless sleep. but would have to face the reality of losing sooner or later.

which would you prefer? living in paradise, a lie or living in hell, having to face shit everyday, reality?

i've been thinking about it and i couldn't come up with an answer for myself. they both sound beautiful and yet so threatening. the idea of the first situation's so unreal, but yet so tempting, so attractive. something so wonderful and amazing, something that we can't help but wish for at times, but yet so threatening and scary at the same time.

the other is something we face everyday. day in, day out. something we whine over, something we dread. something we so often wish to be different. but yet, if it were different, would it really be all that great?

'where i you now? mind if i join?'

just ended chinese tuition. whcih started once i came back from Erica's house.


quotes, quotes!

"We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." -Amy Marie Walz

"I loved my friend
He went away from me
There's nothing more to say
The poem ends soft as it began -
I loved my friend."
-Langston Hughes

'quotes, quotes, quotes'.

"Jealousy is all the fun you think they had." -Erica Jong

"A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows; Love can erase an awful past, Love can be yours, you'll see at last; To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die; You hope you've found that special rose, 'Cause you love and care for the one you chose." -Rob Cella


i need to sleep soon. i'm tired. but i don't wanna dream...

'i was hoping...'

i woke up feeling horrid. if sleeping could remain dreamless, i would enjoy that... but mine don't, really. i just hate dreaming, therefore dislike sleeping. it kills me everytime i wake, it kills me to realize i'm only but dreaming. and that all i can do is to pray and hope it, my dreams, would one day come through...

so, i went out with Naomi, Steph and Carmina. walked from bugis to aliwal street. ate wonderful nasi padang, then went over to the costume shop to purchase Carmina's elves' ears. Carmina left after that. and we went to watch Nanny's Diaries.

sweet show, not bad... isn't fantastic, but good, anyhow.


who are you, stranger? what's your name, now? i don't know you.

'good luck, my friend'.

i'm feeling so on top of the world, for reasons i will not state. but they are really silly... and the more time passes, the more i begin to realise how unrealistic my dreams have been. ahaha. oh well, no harm done though... right?

i guess i'm going to have to keep it a secret for as long as i can, hoping no one would know.


do you see how i feel? do you see why? because it's killin' me so badly and i wanna tell you so, but i can't, and i won't. because i shouldn't.

'zoooooo!'

went to the Singapore Zoological Gardens with Erica, Carm, Steph, Pao, Joel and Kenneth! we has so much fun! we walked and saw every animal... of we fed the kangaroos! and the were really really adorable. they didn't run away, for once... oh, and excuse the sweaty, tired me. i looked horrid in all photos.

here we go! photos!



us! Steph, Carmina, Erica, Pao and Me! i think the seal statue's cute.



our cameramen! Joel and Kenneth of course. ahahaha.



Otter! so so so adorable!



white tigers! they're grooming each other and they're still so elegant...



Jackels! acting cute.



baboon baby! it's eating! and it looks so so so adorable. kinda reminds me of that monkey in the Tarzen animation!



tribal statues! i look as weird as them. wheeee.



ring-tailed lemurs! i think the baby was so cute. steph kept whining about how she wanted to pluck it off the mummy's back.



llamas. sigh, we spent so much time here. erica and her obsession...



here we go, again...



zebra! love their stripes.



lion! stoning and looking all gloomy and boring...



oh, giraffes! they were so huge! but so cute!



another one.



we fed the kangaroos!



i look funny but see see! we did feed them indeed. and they didn't hop away.


took so long just to upload and resize all these... sigh. i'm tired.

'400th post'.

call it realization - i've just figured out how wrong i've been. how wrong my accusations have been. how absurd i've been in my judgement.

i've just watched someone go through the difficulty of making the same decision you probably had to go through too. and i guess, the exact same thoughts that went through his head went through your's. and seeing how much agony he went through just to sort his messed up feeling, i feel so sorry for all the times that i've blame you.

i guess sikai couldn't be ever more right when he said that every party involved in a situation is definitely affected by a decision, in one way or another.

i don't know how to put this but... it's almost like i've finally gotten a look at the other side. the grass ain't any more green. if anything, it's the same color. when there's a drought, both sides of grass turn brown and wither and die. there's no way that something will only affect one side and not the other.

call it slow, but it's better late than never.


am i right, now?

'it only hurts when i'm breathing'.

good for you then, congratulations.


It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing by Shania Twain:

Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

[Chorus:]
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

[Repeat Chorus]

It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I've never looked back--as a matter fact

[Repeat Chorus]

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe


no, i don't need to hope. i know life has been good, to you.

'black shirt and humidity don't go'.

met a few nice singaporeans that are from Deyi and Compassvale, and in band just now, on gunbound. the world is so so small, too small. it's worrying...

played minesweeper after that. with steph! aha. we played a really good game. and because i forgot to take a picture of it, steph helped. check out the score!:




going off to sleep soon. it's too warm to stay up.

'oh, this is good'.

i love the piece so much that i decided to play the advert and record it down. it's so so beautiful.



therefore, i will have to put it to auto play.

'stop whining, dangit'.

i want to go cycling but i'm broke dead. i wanna go east coast by i'm broke dead. i don't wanna stay at home but i'm broke dead.

do you think you can lend me money instead?