'be my valentine'.
i decided not to complete my math. i shall just go to school early and pray some nice people will have their worksheets spread out wide on their table, for me to copy and for me to thank. haha. yay.
oh yes, i did the class tee designs today. it was a black and white striped polo tee. with the motif 'we aren't that bad' written at the back. it was the concept of prisoners... like we looked all criminally and the words were supposed to be... i don't know. ironic? yeah. i guess. oh well... the class doesn't seem to think too good of it. dang. another design here i come.
oh yes, i'm bored. i need someone to pour my heart. my full damn bloody heart out to... ha. fat hope. there ain't a volunteer to carry this emotional baggage in sight. no one at all. haha. surprise surprise.
even if it meant just one meaningless day, i'd never feel more blessed...
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
'minjun does stupid things. forgive her'.
haha band was fun fun fun! =D i helped mr lim with the tuning experimentation thing today... so i was kinda slacking (: but it was fun. mr lim is as usual - entertaining. ha.
i dragged Gerrad to j8 after band and all. it was like 6++ lah. oh well, went to eat breadtalk, then dropped my books of at the library. almost going home when we bumped into kiawoon, alvin, akmal, seow hui and mr lim. so we joined them (: walked around. Alvin shopped for clothes like a woman! =X such a good shopping partner lah... he shops like a bloody woman. i swear. even worse than a woman actually - kiawoon and i agreed on this.
oh well. mr lim dropped me home (: it was already 8+ when i got home. sheesh. i was late for tuition. so anyway, had tuition... and geez. i did so much math that my mind is half dead. only two main things are spinning around in my mind right now.. and i don't like the fact that i can get neither out of my head. as usual.
haha. by the way, Bridget in Girls In Pants had waited for Eric -6 years older than her i think- for two years before meeting him again... they got together in the end. it was like the were made for each other. or so it seemed... at least from the point that she waited a whole two years. well... the author never went on about them, so i don't know how Happily Ever After they lived =X
minjun, what the hell are you doing? even Gerrad's got enough... believe it or not. she has!
haha band was fun fun fun! =D i helped mr lim with the tuning experimentation thing today... so i was kinda slacking (: but it was fun. mr lim is as usual - entertaining. ha.
i dragged Gerrad to j8 after band and all. it was like 6++ lah. oh well, went to eat breadtalk, then dropped my books of at the library. almost going home when we bumped into kiawoon, alvin, akmal, seow hui and mr lim. so we joined them (: walked around. Alvin shopped for clothes like a woman! =X such a good shopping partner lah... he shops like a bloody woman. i swear. even worse than a woman actually - kiawoon and i agreed on this.
oh well. mr lim dropped me home (: it was already 8+ when i got home. sheesh. i was late for tuition. so anyway, had tuition... and geez. i did so much math that my mind is half dead. only two main things are spinning around in my mind right now.. and i don't like the fact that i can get neither out of my head. as usual.
haha. by the way, Bridget in Girls In Pants had waited for Eric -6 years older than her i think- for two years before meeting him again... they got together in the end. it was like the were made for each other. or so it seemed... at least from the point that she waited a whole two years. well... the author never went on about them, so i don't know how Happily Ever After they lived =X
minjun, what the hell are you doing? even Gerrad's got enough... believe it or not. she has!
'she reminded me of me'.
i just finished with Girls In Pants, the book. it's kind of the third part to The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants. and i like it (: haha. childish. slightly.. or not. but still heartwarming...
i was reading about Bridget. she was like a minjun in a storybook. amazing. i didn't know i'd appear in one =X lol. really. haha. everything she said, thought, did... omg. i swear i could BE her. i WAS her. in someways... character wise. of course not physically. she was tall and blonde and pretty and.... argh. yeah you got me (:
i thought everything seemed the way it seemed. apparently not...
i'll do what i think i should. should i? i don't know anymore... my feelings always play me out.
i just finished with Girls In Pants, the book. it's kind of the third part to The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants. and i like it (: haha. childish. slightly.. or not. but still heartwarming...
i was reading about Bridget. she was like a minjun in a storybook. amazing. i didn't know i'd appear in one =X lol. really. haha. everything she said, thought, did... omg. i swear i could BE her. i WAS her. in someways... character wise. of course not physically. she was tall and blonde and pretty and.... argh. yeah you got me (:
i thought everything seemed the way it seemed. apparently not...
i'll do what i think i should. should i? i don't know anymore... my feelings always play me out.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
'why not?'.
i look at what i do now and i can't help but chuckle in disgust. at me, myself, minjun... or maybe if i'd like to say - Jessica.
i made my own decision. my own words. my very own choices. my own mind. my own heart. my own hand wrote what i wanted to... why do i regret somehow? why do i wait? what am i even waiting for? why can't i just move on like everyone else does? move on from where i stopped... if one can get over someone else in almost a month, or a few more weeks, or less, before it even ended, why can't i?
what am i standing here for? who am i looking for? the person who abandoned me here? or was it me, the one who committed the crime? am i guilty? or do i sense that the one who abandoned me has turned back around? or am i just ourely deceiving myself?
things aren't that difficult. i'm sure (: minjun, go! you have my support =D oops. i meant: Jessica, you have my support (:
i look at what i do now and i can't help but chuckle in disgust. at me, myself, minjun... or maybe if i'd like to say - Jessica.
i made my own decision. my own words. my very own choices. my own mind. my own heart. my own hand wrote what i wanted to... why do i regret somehow? why do i wait? what am i even waiting for? why can't i just move on like everyone else does? move on from where i stopped... if one can get over someone else in almost a month, or a few more weeks, or less, before it even ended, why can't i?
what am i standing here for? who am i looking for? the person who abandoned me here? or was it me, the one who committed the crime? am i guilty? or do i sense that the one who abandoned me has turned back around? or am i just ourely deceiving myself?
things aren't that difficult. i'm sure (: minjun, go! you have my support =D oops. i meant: Jessica, you have my support (:
'be be your love'.
ha. for the first time in a long while, i got to school early. well, 7am that is (: although i left the house at around 6.40 am. yeah. i took 20 minutes to get to school... amazing but true =D haha. i missed the 74 bus, as usual so i took the 852 bus and stopped opposite the mosque and walked over to take 265. and i surprisingly reached school in time (: thank god.
when i got to class, i took a long while to register that i was sitting by the side window. ha =X oh well.
lit was fun! as usual actually. i think li tis really really interesting... and i love Ms Sharmillah's lessons. -i hope i got her name right =X- ha. i also had science! but Mrs Dan didn't come and we had to do worksheet -which were actually, not to my knowledge, a test- and i didn't hand it in. i hope i don't get kill lah! =X sheesh. i was reading my book lah ): i told Gabriel today: i like reading because when i do something that i'm not really interested in, it doesn't stop my mind for wandering like reading does. and i hate it when my mind wanders and thinks of things it shouldn't...
oh well. chinese sucked, as usual. i'm horrid at it. and we had to do this letter writing which i'm terrible at =X Liao Lao Shi says my chinese ain't that all bad... haha. i wanted to laugh. she isn't that good at lying (: but thanks for the encouragement anyway cher! =D i'll try to work harder (:
ahh. Mrs Ang spent like forever lecturing again and we took our IC photo's. i don't know if it's IC but whatever... i think i looked like crap ): oh well. whatever. i had fun during art though! we got to draw draw draw =D but i think my realistic drawings are out of proportion! Mrs Kamal says that they are manga-ish proportions. ha. thank the 6 years of manga drawing lah! =X
oh and i went for debate after. which was indeed fun (: we got to like debate on Jack And The Beanstalk: This House Believes That It Was Wrong For Jack To Take The Giant's Treasure. haha. it was nice (: but i got nervous, standing and stating my point... haha. and the whole thing got TOTALLY out of point. including myself =X i need to work on focus man... boo.
had rather a good time in school today. no traumatic experiences or whatsoever (: haha. sorry for boring everyone with my unentertaining post! but i hope i can make it up to you with this nice lyrics for a NICE song by Evanescence, Bring Me To Life:
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
i think Be Be Your Love by Rachael Yamagata is absolutely nice too! (: but i think that i posted it already. i'm not very sure actually... i lost track. i always do.
ha. for the first time in a long while, i got to school early. well, 7am that is (: although i left the house at around 6.40 am. yeah. i took 20 minutes to get to school... amazing but true =D haha. i missed the 74 bus, as usual so i took the 852 bus and stopped opposite the mosque and walked over to take 265. and i surprisingly reached school in time (: thank god.
when i got to class, i took a long while to register that i was sitting by the side window. ha =X oh well.
lit was fun! as usual actually. i think li tis really really interesting... and i love Ms Sharmillah's lessons. -i hope i got her name right =X- ha. i also had science! but Mrs Dan didn't come and we had to do worksheet -which were actually, not to my knowledge, a test- and i didn't hand it in. i hope i don't get kill lah! =X sheesh. i was reading my book lah ): i told Gabriel today: i like reading because when i do something that i'm not really interested in, it doesn't stop my mind for wandering like reading does. and i hate it when my mind wanders and thinks of things it shouldn't...
oh well. chinese sucked, as usual. i'm horrid at it. and we had to do this letter writing which i'm terrible at =X Liao Lao Shi says my chinese ain't that all bad... haha. i wanted to laugh. she isn't that good at lying (: but thanks for the encouragement anyway cher! =D i'll try to work harder (:
ahh. Mrs Ang spent like forever lecturing again and we took our IC photo's. i don't know if it's IC but whatever... i think i looked like crap ): oh well. whatever. i had fun during art though! we got to draw draw draw =D but i think my realistic drawings are out of proportion! Mrs Kamal says that they are manga-ish proportions. ha. thank the 6 years of manga drawing lah! =X
oh and i went for debate after. which was indeed fun (: we got to like debate on Jack And The Beanstalk: This House Believes That It Was Wrong For Jack To Take The Giant's Treasure. haha. it was nice (: but i got nervous, standing and stating my point... haha. and the whole thing got TOTALLY out of point. including myself =X i need to work on focus man... boo.
had rather a good time in school today. no traumatic experiences or whatsoever (: haha. sorry for boring everyone with my unentertaining post! but i hope i can make it up to you with this nice lyrics for a NICE song by Evanescence, Bring Me To Life:
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
i think Be Be Your Love by Rachael Yamagata is absolutely nice too! (: but i think that i posted it already. i'm not very sure actually... i lost track. i always do.
Monday, January 29, 2007
'it's only been bloody forty-seven hours!'.
only 47 hours have passed and yet i'm almost dying. can you believe me? ohmygosh. minjun, when are you ever gonna ever learn to think before you do anything? when are you going to LOOK AHEAD? geez minjun. geez... stop crying for once. please. my eyes hurt so bad... haha. cheer up you little bitch! (:
you'll survive girl. you will you will you will! =X tsk. what happened to minjun? the one who'd survive against all odds? come on girl. show yourself. show the world what you're made of. show the world, and yourself, what you've got!
girl, don't give up on anything at all now... of course give up on the things you should be. but other than that, don't. not on life and not on your studies of ANYTHING else important as a matter of fact. be focus girl! =D keep your mind on things you do.. stop letting it wander.
you'll get what you deserve (: if you deserve better my dear, you do. if you don't, so you don't. live with it =D don't let it kill you. gosh, don't yeah XD
i'll survive this. i'll walk to the end of this tunnel of darkness. i WILL find at least a ray of light. and i will find my way out. someway, somehow. i will make it through all this, i know i will. oh gosh, reassure me...
only 47 hours have passed and yet i'm almost dying. can you believe me? ohmygosh. minjun, when are you ever gonna ever learn to think before you do anything? when are you going to LOOK AHEAD? geez minjun. geez... stop crying for once. please. my eyes hurt so bad... haha. cheer up you little bitch! (:
you'll survive girl. you will you will you will! =X tsk. what happened to minjun? the one who'd survive against all odds? come on girl. show yourself. show the world what you're made of. show the world, and yourself, what you've got!
girl, don't give up on anything at all now... of course give up on the things you should be. but other than that, don't. not on life and not on your studies of ANYTHING else important as a matter of fact. be focus girl! =D keep your mind on things you do.. stop letting it wander.
you'll get what you deserve (: if you deserve better my dear, you do. if you don't, so you don't. live with it =D don't let it kill you. gosh, don't yeah XD
i'll survive this. i'll walk to the end of this tunnel of darkness. i WILL find at least a ray of light. and i will find my way out. someway, somehow. i will make it through all this, i know i will. oh gosh, reassure me...
'not as easy as said. not at all'.
i woke up rather early today! 6 actually. on time bah (: and my mum was supposed to fetch me to school but she had a horrid stomachache and so she gave me 8 bucks to take a cab. i went down at 6:40 am. i waited for a cab for half an hour. by then, i was already late for morning assembly. so anyway, a catholic high asshole walked 10metres in front of me and stole my taxi! i waited a total of 40 minutes before i got one cab for myself...
there was still a family of students behind me. but i'm sorry ): i was late too. sorry neighbours. i couldn't help it. i would have given you the taxi if it had been earlier (: really i would. sorry again =X
anyway, i got into the cab and the uncle asked if i was late. i said yes. he litterally STEPPED ON IT. i almost fell out of my seat. the normal 7minute drive became a 3minute drive. not only that, i had a horrible motion sickness when i stepped out of the taxi. by the time i reached, it was 7:25 am. mr chong saw me but he didn't take my name down. thank god (:
i got to school on time, yes. i was panting, yes. i was sweating, yes. i was agitated, yes. slightly. i was unhappy and down, no =D i felt happy. for once in a long while i stepped into class, smiling. at least from MY knowledge i was =X haha. but there was this horrible thought etched on my mind. i tried to sweep it away... it kept coming back. not really a thought but a distraction... argh. i don't know how to put it =X
so anyway, i tried to push it to the back of my mind. i couldn't. i just bloody damnit, i couldn't. the thought kept popping back at weird, strange moments. and god was it infuriating!i wanted to murder myself. like take a knife and stab stab stab at my head. maybe that way i would kill the thought...
haha. anyway, the class was made to change out sitting places thank to Mrs Ang ): i don't like. i was shifted to sit next to Bo Cheng who totally kept daoing me. he NEVER replied to ANYTHING i said. sheesh. i shifted next to Gabriel who is rather nice to talk to... at least better (: haha. don't worry Weishan =D i won't steal him =X i'm not that evil eh. ha.
okay. i have to go back to my work - art, history and math ):
get outta outta outta my head! =X
Beautiful by Christina Aguillera:
Everyday is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness,
The pieces gone,
Left the puzzle undone,
Ain't that the way it is?
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down, no, no
Cause you are beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring you down, oh, no
So don't you bring me down today
No matter what we do(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune(yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine(sun will always, always shine)
But tomorrow we might awake
On the other side
'Cause we are beautiful,
No matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down...
Mmm, today
haha. a song by Christina Aguilera. her name makes me laugh too =X haha. i have no idea but these songs just caught my attention. so to Mister Evil Fat, NO, no sacarsm meant here (: haha. i love the lyrics... haha. i think that these two artists are like my two most listened to...
i woke up rather early today! 6 actually. on time bah (: and my mum was supposed to fetch me to school but she had a horrid stomachache and so she gave me 8 bucks to take a cab. i went down at 6:40 am. i waited for a cab for half an hour. by then, i was already late for morning assembly. so anyway, a catholic high asshole walked 10metres in front of me and stole my taxi! i waited a total of 40 minutes before i got one cab for myself...
there was still a family of students behind me. but i'm sorry ): i was late too. sorry neighbours. i couldn't help it. i would have given you the taxi if it had been earlier (: really i would. sorry again =X
anyway, i got into the cab and the uncle asked if i was late. i said yes. he litterally STEPPED ON IT. i almost fell out of my seat. the normal 7minute drive became a 3minute drive. not only that, i had a horrible motion sickness when i stepped out of the taxi. by the time i reached, it was 7:25 am. mr chong saw me but he didn't take my name down. thank god (:
i got to school on time, yes. i was panting, yes. i was sweating, yes. i was agitated, yes. slightly. i was unhappy and down, no =D i felt happy. for once in a long while i stepped into class, smiling. at least from MY knowledge i was =X haha. but there was this horrible thought etched on my mind. i tried to sweep it away... it kept coming back. not really a thought but a distraction... argh. i don't know how to put it =X
so anyway, i tried to push it to the back of my mind. i couldn't. i just bloody damnit, i couldn't. the thought kept popping back at weird, strange moments. and god was it infuriating!i wanted to murder myself. like take a knife and stab stab stab at my head. maybe that way i would kill the thought...
haha. anyway, the class was made to change out sitting places thank to Mrs Ang ): i don't like. i was shifted to sit next to Bo Cheng who totally kept daoing me. he NEVER replied to ANYTHING i said. sheesh. i shifted next to Gabriel who is rather nice to talk to... at least better (: haha. don't worry Weishan =D i won't steal him =X i'm not that evil eh. ha.
okay. i have to go back to my work - art, history and math ):
get outta outta outta my head! =X
Beautiful by Christina Aguillera:
Everyday is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness,
The pieces gone,
Left the puzzle undone,
Ain't that the way it is?
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down, no, no
Cause you are beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring you down, oh, no
So don't you bring me down today
No matter what we do(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune(yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine(sun will always, always shine)
But tomorrow we might awake
On the other side
'Cause we are beautiful,
No matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down...
Mmm, today
haha. a song by Christina Aguilera. her name makes me laugh too =X haha. i have no idea but these songs just caught my attention. so to Mister Evil Fat, NO, no sacarsm meant here (: haha. i love the lyrics... haha. i think that these two artists are like my two most listened to...
Sunday, January 28, 2007
'something's making me smile'.
haha. i feeling rather in a pleasant mood now. at least decent enough compared to any day of the week (: and i have no idea why. might be the fact i managed to let go of things a bit... slightly. let things easy. yeah. maybe that =D and it's making me feel very good now really.
haha. jinjun, relax lah. your last post on your blog very... emo =X ha. jia you! (: you'll live =D don't make people worried bah. yay! jia you again then! (x
He Wasn't by Avril Lavigne:
There's not much going on today
I'm really bored, it's getting late
What happened to my Saturday? (Saturday)
Monday's coming, the day I hate, hate
Sit on the bed alone (Bed alone)
Staring at the phone
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He never made me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking for
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
This is when I start to bite my nails
And clean my room when all else fails
I think it's time for me to bail (Time to bail)
This point of view is getting stale-ale
Sit on the bed alone (Bed alone)
Staring at the phone (At the phone)
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He never made me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking for
Uh, uh (hey, hey)
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh (hey, hey)
Uh, uh, hey, hey
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh (hey, hey)
Na, na, na, na, na (we've all got choices)
Na, na, na ,na (we've all got voices)
Na, na, na, na, na (stand up make some noise)
Na, na, na, na (stand up make some noise)
Sit on the bed alone
Staring at the phone
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He never made me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking for
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He never made me feel like I was special
Like I was special, cuz I was special
Uh, uh
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh
Na, na, na, na, na
haha talk about Avril Lavigne. ha. thinking of her NAME just makes me laugh XD
haha. i feeling rather in a pleasant mood now. at least decent enough compared to any day of the week (: and i have no idea why. might be the fact i managed to let go of things a bit... slightly. let things easy. yeah. maybe that =D and it's making me feel very good now really.
haha. jinjun, relax lah. your last post on your blog very... emo =X ha. jia you! (: you'll live =D don't make people worried bah. yay! jia you again then! (x
He Wasn't by Avril Lavigne:
There's not much going on today
I'm really bored, it's getting late
What happened to my Saturday? (Saturday)
Monday's coming, the day I hate, hate
Sit on the bed alone (Bed alone)
Staring at the phone
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He never made me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking for
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
This is when I start to bite my nails
And clean my room when all else fails
I think it's time for me to bail (Time to bail)
This point of view is getting stale-ale
Sit on the bed alone (Bed alone)
Staring at the phone (At the phone)
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He never made me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking for
Uh, uh (hey, hey)
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh (hey, hey)
Uh, uh, hey, hey
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh (hey, hey)
Na, na, na, na, na (we've all got choices)
Na, na, na ,na (we've all got voices)
Na, na, na, na, na (stand up make some noise)
Na, na, na, na (stand up make some noise)
Sit on the bed alone
Staring at the phone
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He never made me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking for
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He never made me feel like I was special
Like I was special, cuz I was special
Uh, uh
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh
Na, na, na, na, na
haha talk about Avril Lavigne. ha. thinking of her NAME just makes me laugh XD
'dreaming ended'.
i finally found a right state of mind to, i hope, put everything down in words. words of my view of things. in a decent manner, for once. so here i go:
my dream had ended. finally. i knew it would, sooner or later. and yes, i always dreaded the day it would end but i didn't want to go on dreaming because i knew there will come a day when i'd have to wake up to reality. i didn't want to grow more attached to my dream and lose more touch of reality. i didn't want to wake up in a daze and so deep in sorrow, i lose the capability to go on living... so here i am. awake and almost hating living in reality.
there was a month of time when everything seemed almost, close to perfect. almost. everyday had something to look forward to. there was a reason for the smile i carried on my face, and everyone around me knew. and i was proud of the way my life was. i was proud of having someone to share it with. i was happy in, well, almost everyway... and i loved everytime i got off my bed and stood on my feet. i couldn't wait for morning. i looked forward every single bloody day! believe it or not... it was a once in a lifetime thing, for me, then. well, for a simple reason: i had you in my life.
i had a drive to do almost everything and anything. i looked to you as an inspiration, a motivation. well, whether i was kidding myself or not, i'd like to believe i wasn't, i always felt as thoughh you were behind me. you were there for me... were. and it felt so good to be loved. everything in my world was in full colours. bright colours. beautiful and sparkling. everything was bright and... amazing. and gosh would i kill to bring back the time and live it all over again. maybe if i was given a chance, i would, definitely, have appreciated everything so so much more...
but of course, my dream detoriated. slowly. everything slowly lost it's spark, it's colour. i'd like to believe i wasn't getting bored... i'd like to believe it was just the way things were supposed to be. i mean, all things do end don't they?... and so, everything slowly lost colour. everything became dark. lost its light, its brightness. everything was dull, in shades of black and white. i had tried getting used to it. i tried, really hard, my best. i tried. but it was like something so important was taken from me... it was like taking away the ability to hear from Beethoven. it was just like that, or worse...
so i had to let go of all the memories of colours. the beauty, the impact, the wonderment it still left behind on me... everytime i looked into my mind hard enough, i could almost still remember how colour was before black and white. but how long can one go on kidding oneself? not very. it wouldn't be right anyway, living in a lie...
so i lost my grip. i loosened it. and the last bit of colour slipped out of my clenched fist. it vanished into the dullness around me. that was it - the end. i couldn't help but let a little tear crawl down my cheek. the pain in me was trobbing at my dead heart. it had died together with everything around me... well, there was nothing else i could do. living in this dull world, i know, i just know, that one day there will be someone, who would come and turn my whole world around. add colour into everything again. maybe not as bright again, maybe not as beautiful, or maybe better... i wouldn't know. i wouldn't even know when the person might arrive again.
till then, i'll try everyway, of my own to set this world of mine on flame again, with colours. it'll shine. i know there's a way... i just need time to find it. and i will. i know i will... at least i hope i will.
still, no matter how positive i try to look at life, i miss the way everything used to shine. i still do. very much indeed.
i finally found a right state of mind to, i hope, put everything down in words. words of my view of things. in a decent manner, for once. so here i go:
my dream had ended. finally. i knew it would, sooner or later. and yes, i always dreaded the day it would end but i didn't want to go on dreaming because i knew there will come a day when i'd have to wake up to reality. i didn't want to grow more attached to my dream and lose more touch of reality. i didn't want to wake up in a daze and so deep in sorrow, i lose the capability to go on living... so here i am. awake and almost hating living in reality.
there was a month of time when everything seemed almost, close to perfect. almost. everyday had something to look forward to. there was a reason for the smile i carried on my face, and everyone around me knew. and i was proud of the way my life was. i was proud of having someone to share it with. i was happy in, well, almost everyway... and i loved everytime i got off my bed and stood on my feet. i couldn't wait for morning. i looked forward every single bloody day! believe it or not... it was a once in a lifetime thing, for me, then. well, for a simple reason: i had you in my life.
i had a drive to do almost everything and anything. i looked to you as an inspiration, a motivation. well, whether i was kidding myself or not, i'd like to believe i wasn't, i always felt as thoughh you were behind me. you were there for me... were. and it felt so good to be loved. everything in my world was in full colours. bright colours. beautiful and sparkling. everything was bright and... amazing. and gosh would i kill to bring back the time and live it all over again. maybe if i was given a chance, i would, definitely, have appreciated everything so so much more...
but of course, my dream detoriated. slowly. everything slowly lost it's spark, it's colour. i'd like to believe i wasn't getting bored... i'd like to believe it was just the way things were supposed to be. i mean, all things do end don't they?... and so, everything slowly lost colour. everything became dark. lost its light, its brightness. everything was dull, in shades of black and white. i had tried getting used to it. i tried, really hard, my best. i tried. but it was like something so important was taken from me... it was like taking away the ability to hear from Beethoven. it was just like that, or worse...
so i had to let go of all the memories of colours. the beauty, the impact, the wonderment it still left behind on me... everytime i looked into my mind hard enough, i could almost still remember how colour was before black and white. but how long can one go on kidding oneself? not very. it wouldn't be right anyway, living in a lie...
so i lost my grip. i loosened it. and the last bit of colour slipped out of my clenched fist. it vanished into the dullness around me. that was it - the end. i couldn't help but let a little tear crawl down my cheek. the pain in me was trobbing at my dead heart. it had died together with everything around me... well, there was nothing else i could do. living in this dull world, i know, i just know, that one day there will be someone, who would come and turn my whole world around. add colour into everything again. maybe not as bright again, maybe not as beautiful, or maybe better... i wouldn't know. i wouldn't even know when the person might arrive again.
till then, i'll try everyway, of my own to set this world of mine on flame again, with colours. it'll shine. i know there's a way... i just need time to find it. and i will. i know i will... at least i hope i will.
still, no matter how positive i try to look at life, i miss the way everything used to shine. i still do. very much indeed.
'you could have listened'.
i didn't sleep well again. well, you could say i brought it on myself because, for one, i stayed up till 2 to call joshua. i don't like sleeping. i hate having to wake up from a dream and know it's not reality. know it wouldn't ever be... i learn my lesson, i learnt that dream and reality will never ever merge. i learnt that most of the time, you'll lose what you gain... well, after a while.
yes, so i stayed up. because i felt like shit. i hate sleeping. and i needed to think. something about that current situation i was in, didn't seem anything right. there was a way, there was a door somewhere. i just couldn't find it. i had a feeling i was the only affected one... i didn't trust my feelings anymore. so i just sat and cried.
i told you, i clearly did: do not open the letter. i told you to bloody shread it up. maybe i should have listened to my feelings because they screamed to me 'go there and camp at the mailbox and make sure your letter doesn't go in!' i should have shouldn't i?...
i wish you could forget all the words you read. pretend it never crossed your mind... you won't will you?
i love you.
i didn't sleep well again. well, you could say i brought it on myself because, for one, i stayed up till 2 to call joshua. i don't like sleeping. i hate having to wake up from a dream and know it's not reality. know it wouldn't ever be... i learn my lesson, i learnt that dream and reality will never ever merge. i learnt that most of the time, you'll lose what you gain... well, after a while.
yes, so i stayed up. because i felt like shit. i hate sleeping. and i needed to think. something about that current situation i was in, didn't seem anything right. there was a way, there was a door somewhere. i just couldn't find it. i had a feeling i was the only affected one... i didn't trust my feelings anymore. so i just sat and cried.
i told you, i clearly did: do not open the letter. i told you to bloody shread it up. maybe i should have listened to my feelings because they screamed to me 'go there and camp at the mailbox and make sure your letter doesn't go in!' i should have shouldn't i?...
i wish you could forget all the words you read. pretend it never crossed your mind... you won't will you?
i love you.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
'postman, postman, come back'.
i've been stuck dead at home since morning. and i feel hopelessly stone because i fell asleep at 3 last night. i lay on my bed for about 45 minutes and decided to get up to join my mum in her korean bloody dramas. i watched till 1+ and my mum went to sleep. i laid on my bed for about half an hour then i got up and turned on the comp hoping for people to talk to online. fat hope... 0 poeple online.
so i went to the kitchen, raided the fridge. found nothing appealing than a bottle of beer. but... i made a promise to someone, no many people, that i wouldn't turn alcholic (: so i closed the fridge door and went back to my bed. turned on my mp3 and lay there with music blasting into my ears for what seemed like eternity, before i fell asleep... ha. it was 3++ actually. oh yeah. i messaged like gerrad, jinjun and yan, hoping they were awake and so i could like call them. nah. they were like... fast asleep. from what i know...
boo. so i've been grounded by my mum for not doing weiqin's homework. tuition home work ): ha. whatever. she always say i'm grounded and all i have to do is leave the house with a flat battery and she won't be able to do nothing (: ha. oh well =D
i watched Wedding Date for the don't know how manyth time today (: and Win A Date With Ted Hamilton! aha. i think i can almost write out the scripts for the shows already...
postman, come back. for me, do me a favour: get fired for all i care, but please don't do your job.
i've been stuck dead at home since morning. and i feel hopelessly stone because i fell asleep at 3 last night. i lay on my bed for about 45 minutes and decided to get up to join my mum in her korean bloody dramas. i watched till 1+ and my mum went to sleep. i laid on my bed for about half an hour then i got up and turned on the comp hoping for people to talk to online. fat hope... 0 poeple online.
so i went to the kitchen, raided the fridge. found nothing appealing than a bottle of beer. but... i made a promise to someone, no many people, that i wouldn't turn alcholic (: so i closed the fridge door and went back to my bed. turned on my mp3 and lay there with music blasting into my ears for what seemed like eternity, before i fell asleep... ha. it was 3++ actually. oh yeah. i messaged like gerrad, jinjun and yan, hoping they were awake and so i could like call them. nah. they were like... fast asleep. from what i know...
boo. so i've been grounded by my mum for not doing weiqin's homework. tuition home work ): ha. whatever. she always say i'm grounded and all i have to do is leave the house with a flat battery and she won't be able to do nothing (: ha. oh well =D
i watched Wedding Date for the don't know how manyth time today (: and Win A Date With Ted Hamilton! aha. i think i can almost write out the scripts for the shows already...
postman, come back. for me, do me a favour: get fired for all i care, but please don't do your job.
'stop dreaming minjun'.
what the hell am i doing? why do i wish for something i can't get? it was my choice, my decision, why can't i just bloody accept it the way i was supposed to? why am i clinging on to an intangible matter? why am i holding on to memories?
these memories, yes, beautiful and unforgettable. but i have to let them go, i know. why can't i? i don't wanna wait forever to let go... it's nothing new by right. i should have gotten used to it after about 2 years. why did get so accustomed, so fast, to that one month's of living? nothing's new for me now really. it's just same old same old... what that was new was that one month. that blast of fresh air after a long while.
i feel like a little deprived kid on the street who has had her first feel and taste of chocolate on her tongue. chocolate, warm and milky. a drink in fact. after she finishes the glass, she stares before her, at the kind gentleman who had handed the beautiful heavenly drink to her, in hope. she begs him. but he smiles and walks of... thats all. she has gotten what she deserves. no more.
she cries for more. but that's it... past.
what the hell am i doing? why do i wish for something i can't get? it was my choice, my decision, why can't i just bloody accept it the way i was supposed to? why am i clinging on to an intangible matter? why am i holding on to memories?
these memories, yes, beautiful and unforgettable. but i have to let them go, i know. why can't i? i don't wanna wait forever to let go... it's nothing new by right. i should have gotten used to it after about 2 years. why did get so accustomed, so fast, to that one month's of living? nothing's new for me now really. it's just same old same old... what that was new was that one month. that blast of fresh air after a long while.
i feel like a little deprived kid on the street who has had her first feel and taste of chocolate on her tongue. chocolate, warm and milky. a drink in fact. after she finishes the glass, she stares before her, at the kind gentleman who had handed the beautiful heavenly drink to her, in hope. she begs him. but he smiles and walks of... thats all. she has gotten what she deserves. no more.
she cries for more. but that's it... past.
Friday, January 26, 2007
'minjun the headless sucker'.
haha. i was looking at the things i've said. i'm such a sucker! sucker big time ): oh well. i won't be anymore.. i realised that, well, i lost my own pride. for a moment. no, for a long time...
oh yes. Peiling so told my sis i drank at the art exhibition. my sis is gonna tell my mum. i'm gonna die. let's all celebrate. i'll lose my head... and i can save the money of my haircut.
haha. i was looking at the things i've said. i'm such a sucker! sucker big time ): oh well. i won't be anymore.. i realised that, well, i lost my own pride. for a moment. no, for a long time...
oh yes. Peiling so told my sis i drank at the art exhibition. my sis is gonna tell my mum. i'm gonna die. let's all celebrate. i'll lose my head... and i can save the money of my haircut.
'about time to let go minjun'.
yeah. tell me. oh well i just did what... 40+ push-ups? yeah. so i feel almost broken, inside and out. ha.
Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt:
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.(x2)
yeah. tell me. oh well i just did what... 40+ push-ups? yeah. so i feel almost broken, inside and out. ha.
Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt:
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.(x2)
'i can't believe it'.
i just sent a letter. one of which, ihaven't decided if i'm relieved, sad or happy of sending it. i know it's on the way to be mailed though. and shit, do i feel empty.
this is how it looks like, minjun. since you've been wondering for so very long. here you go. this is how it looks like for you. tada. you like it? i wish too it isn't this way. but too bad, you don't have a choice.
i'll stop with the monologue. i end here.
i just sent a letter. one of which, ihaven't decided if i'm relieved, sad or happy of sending it. i know it's on the way to be mailed though. and shit, do i feel empty.
this is how it looks like, minjun. since you've been wondering for so very long. here you go. this is how it looks like for you. tada. you like it? i wish too it isn't this way. but too bad, you don't have a choice.
i'll stop with the monologue. i end here.
'sicker than before'.
i managed to re-load my ipod with nicer songs. at least now i don't have to scroll through my ipod frantically, wondering why i even put the song in... so half way through loading, i went to bath, in cold water. i feel better that way. and put on my pe t-shirt. i've began to realised i don't have any home clothes anymore. other than my anderson yeah and pe tshirts. ha. pathetic? yeah. i would think.
oh well. so after taking about an hour's plus of my time, i finally finished loading the songs. i closed itunes, disconnected my ipod and grabbed my book to my room. turned on the lights, jabbed my earpiece into my ears and turned up the volume of my newly-loaded ipod. i flipped flipped flipped the last few pages of my book and i was done. i finished a book.
i went back out to my study, got another one and sat down on my bed to start over again. i read through the first 10 pages and put it down. my ipod was playing Goodbye My Lover. i felt sick. but i refused to change the song. something about it made me go on listening... i felt sicker just listening to it. i lied on my comfortor on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. the song changed to Through With You.
the dampness of my hair that hadn't dried suddenly felt more damp. it was wetting the quilt/comfortor under my head. i didn't like the thought... the lyrics of the song was piercing into my ears. i could have changed the music, my finger was already on the 'forward' button. i didn't press down on it. i just closed my eyes and tried to get the feeling out of my stomach. the squeeze was gettin' on my nerves...
i felt like i could kneel in front of the toilet and puke for a 1000 whole days... i feel sicker now. now tha,t suddenly, my mind has suddenly cleared and these hurting thoughts come rushing in. shit. what are these? why haven't i seen them before? these thoughts.
i wanna puke. i can't.
the thought of you just makes me feel sick now. can you believe it? as much as i want to, i can't.
i managed to re-load my ipod with nicer songs. at least now i don't have to scroll through my ipod frantically, wondering why i even put the song in... so half way through loading, i went to bath, in cold water. i feel better that way. and put on my pe t-shirt. i've began to realised i don't have any home clothes anymore. other than my anderson yeah and pe tshirts. ha. pathetic? yeah. i would think.
oh well. so after taking about an hour's plus of my time, i finally finished loading the songs. i closed itunes, disconnected my ipod and grabbed my book to my room. turned on the lights, jabbed my earpiece into my ears and turned up the volume of my newly-loaded ipod. i flipped flipped flipped the last few pages of my book and i was done. i finished a book.
i went back out to my study, got another one and sat down on my bed to start over again. i read through the first 10 pages and put it down. my ipod was playing Goodbye My Lover. i felt sick. but i refused to change the song. something about it made me go on listening... i felt sicker just listening to it. i lied on my comfortor on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. the song changed to Through With You.
the dampness of my hair that hadn't dried suddenly felt more damp. it was wetting the quilt/comfortor under my head. i didn't like the thought... the lyrics of the song was piercing into my ears. i could have changed the music, my finger was already on the 'forward' button. i didn't press down on it. i just closed my eyes and tried to get the feeling out of my stomach. the squeeze was gettin' on my nerves...
i felt like i could kneel in front of the toilet and puke for a 1000 whole days... i feel sicker now. now tha,t suddenly, my mind has suddenly cleared and these hurting thoughts come rushing in. shit. what are these? why haven't i seen them before? these thoughts.
i wanna puke. i can't.
the thought of you just makes me feel sick now. can you believe it? as much as i want to, i can't.
'supposedly sick'.
look at the time. it's 11+ and i'm home. yes, i'm sick. i'm absent from school... i woke up a minute late this morning. and i felt cold and my head felt heavy. my eyes hurt damn bad. they were probably swollen. and i was sweating. cold sweat actually. i wished i didn't have to wake up from my dream. if only i could go on living in that dimension where everything, then, was perfect... then.
oh yes, this post is gonna be all about self-pity. me, wallowing in self-pity actually. so yeah, you can like close this window now if you like...
i was watching The Wedding Date again. it was only a few weeks ago that i last did. but the feeling i'm getting from watching it again is... somehow, different. i couldn't go on watching. i felt deprived of everything, including my life. i reached out and turned of the tv screen when it came to the sex scene. i felt nauseous. no, not because of the sex scene. but i just did... have been. like full-time. gosh. i'm sick of this.
joshua called me last night. i kinda missed his call though. so i called him back. he spare me around 11 minutes on the phone. i felt a whole lot better after putting down... i felt cared for. okay, i always feel like that when i put down the phone on nice people (: but the fact that i hadn't talked to this army senior/friend/shrink properly for a rather long time. and the fact he still seemed to genuinely care, i felt blessed. slightly. in a long time, yes, i did.
and then i also felt sorry. he seemed worried. and angry and... i don't know. i started thinking about Yan and how angry she was. i don't know lah. they make it sound so easy and it makes me wonder if they're true about all the things they say. maybe i'm just a sucker. one big fat bloody sucker who can't do anything right for nuts... yeah. maybe.
i can't eat. i feel sick just putting something into my mouth. i can't breathe. i have to keep forcing myself to gasp for air every now and then. i don't want to, honestly, but i don't want to let anyone down anymore. i can't think. i keep pressing myself to look at something and concentrate on it instead of dazing in my blank mind. i can't sleep. i lay awake on my bed, staring at the ceiling. my minds full of thoughts, i just can't read them. so it appears like a totally mass blank to me, at least that's the way i'd like to think it of... it feels better that way. i can't talk. the only thing that comes out of my mouth is something i probably repeated a thousand times: a lie.
yes, so i lie. i bloody lied. and still do. to myself and to people around me, even those i love and care about. even those who mean the world to me. i lie to. cause i can't put my words out right anymore... this is my confession. and sometimes, due to the countless lies i spill everyday, i start lying to myself to. i live a lie. because i figure to that, i'm probably not the only human lying in this world. and i wouldn't know if everyone i know is lying. well, i know some people i know do. so i could might as well be just living a whole lie my whole life and not know it...
at least it's good to know that the past few weeks have been a lie...
i never knew i could be so affected. i never knew i could cry so hard... cause suddenly, i feel so lost. even with everyone standing by me. or trying to. i reach out and feel a thousand hands grab for me, and i follow them. but yet, i still can't see. i just follow blindly. i wait for someone to take of this blindfold, to turn on the lights. i wait wait wait. sheesh. everything's still dark. why? god, nevermind, i'll jsut go on waiting... afterall, what can i do?
even just one god damned picture could... kill me. someone, yes, kill me. i'd rather it that way.
my head hurts now, again. worse than this morning. argh.
i lied. and thats why i'm this way. i lied about it. what i told you was a lie so now i say: give me back my life please. you took it away, so don't make anymore excuses. i want it back. and then right after giving me back everything, i beg for you to disappear from my memory. take every goddamned memory out of my head. every sighting of you out of my head. i don't want to know you anymore. just disappear away away away. i don't have to know you... life, i'm convinced, would have been better that way. i'm actually sure that it was meant to BE that way. and you just, just had to make a fool out of me. my life. and distrupt everything else...
How Can I Not Love You by Joy Enriquez:
Cannot touch, cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
Must be strong
And we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know
[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
Cannot dream
Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel
Must pretend it's over
Must be brave
And we must go on
Must not say what we've known all along
[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you
Must be brave
And we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along
[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How do I not love you...
When you are gone
look at the time. it's 11+ and i'm home. yes, i'm sick. i'm absent from school... i woke up a minute late this morning. and i felt cold and my head felt heavy. my eyes hurt damn bad. they were probably swollen. and i was sweating. cold sweat actually. i wished i didn't have to wake up from my dream. if only i could go on living in that dimension where everything, then, was perfect... then.
oh yes, this post is gonna be all about self-pity. me, wallowing in self-pity actually. so yeah, you can like close this window now if you like...
i was watching The Wedding Date again. it was only a few weeks ago that i last did. but the feeling i'm getting from watching it again is... somehow, different. i couldn't go on watching. i felt deprived of everything, including my life. i reached out and turned of the tv screen when it came to the sex scene. i felt nauseous. no, not because of the sex scene. but i just did... have been. like full-time. gosh. i'm sick of this.
joshua called me last night. i kinda missed his call though. so i called him back. he spare me around 11 minutes on the phone. i felt a whole lot better after putting down... i felt cared for. okay, i always feel like that when i put down the phone on nice people (: but the fact that i hadn't talked to this army senior/friend/shrink properly for a rather long time. and the fact he still seemed to genuinely care, i felt blessed. slightly. in a long time, yes, i did.
and then i also felt sorry. he seemed worried. and angry and... i don't know. i started thinking about Yan and how angry she was. i don't know lah. they make it sound so easy and it makes me wonder if they're true about all the things they say. maybe i'm just a sucker. one big fat bloody sucker who can't do anything right for nuts... yeah. maybe.
i can't eat. i feel sick just putting something into my mouth. i can't breathe. i have to keep forcing myself to gasp for air every now and then. i don't want to, honestly, but i don't want to let anyone down anymore. i can't think. i keep pressing myself to look at something and concentrate on it instead of dazing in my blank mind. i can't sleep. i lay awake on my bed, staring at the ceiling. my minds full of thoughts, i just can't read them. so it appears like a totally mass blank to me, at least that's the way i'd like to think it of... it feels better that way. i can't talk. the only thing that comes out of my mouth is something i probably repeated a thousand times: a lie.
yes, so i lie. i bloody lied. and still do. to myself and to people around me, even those i love and care about. even those who mean the world to me. i lie to. cause i can't put my words out right anymore... this is my confession. and sometimes, due to the countless lies i spill everyday, i start lying to myself to. i live a lie. because i figure to that, i'm probably not the only human lying in this world. and i wouldn't know if everyone i know is lying. well, i know some people i know do. so i could might as well be just living a whole lie my whole life and not know it...
at least it's good to know that the past few weeks have been a lie...
i never knew i could be so affected. i never knew i could cry so hard... cause suddenly, i feel so lost. even with everyone standing by me. or trying to. i reach out and feel a thousand hands grab for me, and i follow them. but yet, i still can't see. i just follow blindly. i wait for someone to take of this blindfold, to turn on the lights. i wait wait wait. sheesh. everything's still dark. why? god, nevermind, i'll jsut go on waiting... afterall, what can i do?
even just one god damned picture could... kill me. someone, yes, kill me. i'd rather it that way.
my head hurts now, again. worse than this morning. argh.
i lied. and thats why i'm this way. i lied about it. what i told you was a lie so now i say: give me back my life please. you took it away, so don't make anymore excuses. i want it back. and then right after giving me back everything, i beg for you to disappear from my memory. take every goddamned memory out of my head. every sighting of you out of my head. i don't want to know you anymore. just disappear away away away. i don't have to know you... life, i'm convinced, would have been better that way. i'm actually sure that it was meant to BE that way. and you just, just had to make a fool out of me. my life. and distrupt everything else...
How Can I Not Love You by Joy Enriquez:
Cannot touch, cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
Must be strong
And we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know
[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
Cannot dream
Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel
Must pretend it's over
Must be brave
And we must go on
Must not say what we've known all along
[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you
Must be brave
And we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along
[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How do I not love you...
When you are gone
Thursday, January 25, 2007
'so much for ten layers of bubblewrap'.
i never thought this would happen. at least not the way it is. i never thought i'd feel this way. at least not the way i'm feeling. i never thought i could say and feel so much. at least not the things i'm saying and have said. i never thought i would hate you. at least not the way i currently do. i never thought i'd still love you after everything you've said. at least not the way i still, very very much, do.
i might be dramatising it, as i always do. i might be overrreacting like i always do. i might be getting 'sad' and 'depressed' -as my friends put it- for no reasons at all... but somehow this feeling in me is nagging at me. and i hate it. so i figured ways to get it to go away... and it works. sometimes. but i'm sorry people for making you all worry! (: i'm fine really.
i can't go on posting. i'm feeling... shitty. ha. oh well =D thanks Rachel, Joshua, Yan Tze, Michelle, Alvin, Erica, Sarah... and everyone who... worried. haha. i'm sorry eh ): oh well. thanks again people! and THANKS GERRAD! i love you =D gosh do i love you. yes, i do i do! (:
oh anyway, Gerrad, thanks for the treat (: you're sweet. thanks eh. you made me feel a whole lot better. and THANK GOD TOMORROW IS FRIDAY =X haha. thanks. sorry for making you liek send $16.80 though xP bleah.
i never thought this would happen. at least not the way it is. i never thought i'd feel this way. at least not the way i'm feeling. i never thought i could say and feel so much. at least not the things i'm saying and have said. i never thought i would hate you. at least not the way i currently do. i never thought i'd still love you after everything you've said. at least not the way i still, very very much, do.
i might be dramatising it, as i always do. i might be overrreacting like i always do. i might be getting 'sad' and 'depressed' -as my friends put it- for no reasons at all... but somehow this feeling in me is nagging at me. and i hate it. so i figured ways to get it to go away... and it works. sometimes. but i'm sorry people for making you all worry! (: i'm fine really.
i can't go on posting. i'm feeling... shitty. ha. oh well =D thanks Rachel, Joshua, Yan Tze, Michelle, Alvin, Erica, Sarah... and everyone who... worried. haha. i'm sorry eh ): oh well. thanks again people! and THANKS GERRAD! i love you =D gosh do i love you. yes, i do i do! (:
oh anyway, Gerrad, thanks for the treat (: you're sweet. thanks eh. you made me feel a whole lot better. and THANK GOD TOMORROW IS FRIDAY =X haha. thanks. sorry for making you liek send $16.80 though xP bleah.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
'i can't go on'.
i'm utterly exhausted. my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my stomach hurt... i have a migraine. i can't think right. i can't focus. i can't breathe! i'm breaking down. i'm wallowing in self pity... sheesh. i don't know if i have it to go on, i know i might kill myself just doing so but... i don't wanna give up.
wanting and needing? which?
i'm utterly exhausted. my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my stomach hurt... i have a migraine. i can't think right. i can't focus. i can't breathe! i'm breaking down. i'm wallowing in self pity... sheesh. i don't know if i have it to go on, i know i might kill myself just doing so but... i don't wanna give up.
wanting and needing? which?
Monday, January 22, 2007
'the champagne bottle has potential energy within'.
i did my work! okay. fine fine. so i didn't do EVERYTHING. but i tried alright! i tried really hard to do my work... but the factorisation was not easy. only managed to complete 4 or 6 out of 21 questions. and i gave up right after. so i moved on to lit... oh gosh. ironies aren't all that easy. okay fine. maybe i ain't the lit student, i hope i was to be, anymore...
ahh. i feel so horrible. like i didn't do any work! geez. oh well (: at least i BOUGHT my science practical book and AT LEAST i tried to do my work. okay. so i'm self-consoling. but i'm feeling really horrid. so i need the consoling. doesn't matter who it's coming from now really...
i feel like i'm missing something important out of my homework list... sheesh. when was i so flustered over daily homework ever before? argh. turning into a damn nerd =X oh yes. we were told by Mrs Dan that one of the skeletons in the science labs is real. accordingly, the female one. urghs. it's quite freaky thinking that there's a corpse of a dead person IN our school... plus Mrs Dan said no one collected the body, so we used the skeleton instead. 'don't let it go to any waste'... may the spirit rest in peace.
i'm feeling much better now than before. no idea how or why. but whatever it is, i miss my shrink who i can WHINE and WHINE WHINE WHINE to (: ha. shrink on leave for 2 years though. sad enough. haha. whatever it is, i can sort of handle my own emotions better now i hope... though bottling up isn't the best way out, it's the only thing i am capable of doing. for now.
i did my work! okay. fine fine. so i didn't do EVERYTHING. but i tried alright! i tried really hard to do my work... but the factorisation was not easy. only managed to complete 4 or 6 out of 21 questions. and i gave up right after. so i moved on to lit... oh gosh. ironies aren't all that easy. okay fine. maybe i ain't the lit student, i hope i was to be, anymore...
ahh. i feel so horrible. like i didn't do any work! geez. oh well (: at least i BOUGHT my science practical book and AT LEAST i tried to do my work. okay. so i'm self-consoling. but i'm feeling really horrid. so i need the consoling. doesn't matter who it's coming from now really...
i feel like i'm missing something important out of my homework list... sheesh. when was i so flustered over daily homework ever before? argh. turning into a damn nerd =X oh yes. we were told by Mrs Dan that one of the skeletons in the science labs is real. accordingly, the female one. urghs. it's quite freaky thinking that there's a corpse of a dead person IN our school... plus Mrs Dan said no one collected the body, so we used the skeleton instead. 'don't let it go to any waste'... may the spirit rest in peace.
i'm feeling much better now than before. no idea how or why. but whatever it is, i miss my shrink who i can WHINE and WHINE WHINE WHINE to (: ha. shrink on leave for 2 years though. sad enough. haha. whatever it is, i can sort of handle my own emotions better now i hope... though bottling up isn't the best way out, it's the only thing i am capable of doing. for now.
'don't worry, Jessica, you have my shoulder' she said.
had band today. sectionals actually. secones finally came into band. ha. quiet batch. but they always start out that way don't they? one junior to my section. female. haven't got to talk to her yet. Dawn and Prav say we look very much alike from the back. oh well...
i need to work on my playing. horrible lah.
have so much more. but i feel like shit. damn tired. i can't walk properly anymore. can't think. i need a break. i need one bloody break, won't i just be spared, for once. FOR one f*cking once!
How ya feelin?
When the day has had its way with both of us
And oh! I've gone out of my way but im not free
From this pain im reelin
I was a fool to think someday you would come around
But no no no, I'm not thinkin that way
Cause now i see
You are not what you seem
You are a mystery to me
Sometimes I just want to scream
I think you should just go away cause
There's no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
forget it baby you're not comin in
hows your day been, yeah
cause mine has taken straight and ugly turns
but no no no, i feel better today
cause im off my knees
you are not what you seem
you are a mystery to me
sometimes I just want to scream
I think you should just go away cause
theres no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
forget it baby you're not comin in
a hot minute for a life of sorrow
no you cant come back tomorrow
shut my windows lock my doors
cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore
yeah
I think you should just go away cause
theres no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
forget it baby you're not comin in
a hot minute for a life of sorrow
no you cant come back tomorrow
shut my windows lock my doors
cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore!
oh, yeah!
yeah!
(etc.)
cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore!
almost all i have to say is here.
had band today. sectionals actually. secones finally came into band. ha. quiet batch. but they always start out that way don't they? one junior to my section. female. haven't got to talk to her yet. Dawn and Prav say we look very much alike from the back. oh well...
i need to work on my playing. horrible lah.
have so much more. but i feel like shit. damn tired. i can't walk properly anymore. can't think. i need a break. i need one bloody break, won't i just be spared, for once. FOR one f*cking once!
How ya feelin?
When the day has had its way with both of us
And oh! I've gone out of my way but im not free
From this pain im reelin
I was a fool to think someday you would come around
But no no no, I'm not thinkin that way
Cause now i see
You are not what you seem
You are a mystery to me
Sometimes I just want to scream
I think you should just go away cause
There's no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
forget it baby you're not comin in
hows your day been, yeah
cause mine has taken straight and ugly turns
but no no no, i feel better today
cause im off my knees
you are not what you seem
you are a mystery to me
sometimes I just want to scream
I think you should just go away cause
theres no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
forget it baby you're not comin in
a hot minute for a life of sorrow
no you cant come back tomorrow
shut my windows lock my doors
cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore
yeah
I think you should just go away cause
theres no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
forget it baby you're not comin in
a hot minute for a life of sorrow
no you cant come back tomorrow
shut my windows lock my doors
cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore!
oh, yeah!
yeah!
(etc.)
cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore!
almost all i have to say is here.
'you drive me nuts'.
ahh. it's late. i shouldn't be blogging. but i am (: so here goes:
i did ALL my homework. okay. not ALL but those i know of and those that are to be handed in tomorrow. which are Math and Science. chem is BORING! =X i almost went M-A-D! omg. i could bang my head against the wall till i died if not for Wei Qin's help lah! sheesh xP ha. thanks Wei Qin! (:
so i finished around ten plus. did all type of S-T-U-P-I-D looking workouts to work my abdominal muscles and legs and arms and butt =D haha. Wei Qin was teaching me all types of funny exercises. i think i worked my muscles more by laughing than the exercise itself lah! =X ha. very funny. then, Tigger stood by the door staring at us like we were the greatest imbiciles on earth +D blah. haha!
okay. i feels super high just thinking of how we laughed. ha. but i'm tired. and it's late. AND there's morning assembly. AND dawn insist me being ON TIME. so oh well =D better sleep soon.
oh yes. there are these itchy red spots on my legs and hip.my mum claims it's heat rash. i have this ultra strong feeling it's chicken pox. haha. fine. i wanna skip school real bad (: thats why. god do i wish it was chicken pox. ha. that way, i have so many things to look forward to. or evaluate from the incident =X hehe.
OKAY OKAY! it's late ): Dawn's gonna kill me if i'm late again! and i don't think my mum will drop me off tomorrow... it'll be too early for her. PLUS she has this don't-sleep-before-eleven-and-i-won't-fetch-you policy =X LOL yeah. oh well (: ahhh. a thousand things to look forward to tomorrow =D anticipations killing me. OH. my HiCard ran out of money... sheesh. i can't send anymore smses. blah =X OH WELL. sleep sleep sleep!
good night minjun! GOOD NIGHT people (: SWEET DREAMS everyone! =D
ahh. it's late. i shouldn't be blogging. but i am (: so here goes:
i did ALL my homework. okay. not ALL but those i know of and those that are to be handed in tomorrow. which are Math and Science. chem is BORING! =X i almost went M-A-D! omg. i could bang my head against the wall till i died if not for Wei Qin's help lah! sheesh xP ha. thanks Wei Qin! (:
so i finished around ten plus. did all type of S-T-U-P-I-D looking workouts to work my abdominal muscles and legs and arms and butt =D haha. Wei Qin was teaching me all types of funny exercises. i think i worked my muscles more by laughing than the exercise itself lah! =X ha. very funny. then, Tigger stood by the door staring at us like we were the greatest imbiciles on earth +D blah. haha!
okay. i feels super high just thinking of how we laughed. ha. but i'm tired. and it's late. AND there's morning assembly. AND dawn insist me being ON TIME. so oh well =D better sleep soon.
oh yes. there are these itchy red spots on my legs and hip.my mum claims it's heat rash. i have this ultra strong feeling it's chicken pox. haha. fine. i wanna skip school real bad (: thats why. god do i wish it was chicken pox. ha. that way, i have so many things to look forward to. or evaluate from the incident =X hehe.
OKAY OKAY! it's late ): Dawn's gonna kill me if i'm late again! and i don't think my mum will drop me off tomorrow... it'll be too early for her. PLUS she has this don't-sleep-before-eleven-and-i-won't-fetch-you policy =X LOL yeah. oh well (: ahhh. a thousand things to look forward to tomorrow =D anticipations killing me. OH. my HiCard ran out of money... sheesh. i can't send anymore smses. blah =X OH WELL. sleep sleep sleep!
good night minjun! GOOD NIGHT people (: SWEET DREAMS everyone! =D
Sunday, January 21, 2007
'lies of the deranged girl'.
i figured Jessica lies. sinfully. she lies lies lies. she just plots lies after another. and it's only today that i realised she's been lying to me, and of course herself, as expected. i truly hate her for the way she has kept me in the dark about so many things, but i can't seem to do anything... one day, i just know, one day, i'll get back at her for all this. for now, i'll let it go. i'll try to let it go at least.
Happy Birthday Erica! (: she's 14. single. happy. and adorably weird =D you go girl! haha. yes, you're my senior. i kinda hate you for that, for being older... but nvm (: i'll TRY to love you all the same xP ha. sorry i couldn't make it to spend your birthday with you guys =X but i hope you had fun! haha. okay i know you did +D love you girl! have a good 14th year... -.- eh. yarrh...
okay. i went out to vivo. finally, got a bag to replace the broken Desiel imitation bag (: but it's not exactly nice. but oh well. it's alright lah. a bag's a bag. it's presentable... you know what? i went to the shop with my mum and she was TOTALLY embarrassing with her 'i think you should get a waterproof bag... excuse me sir, do you have a waterproof one?' and her 'i think a backpack is better for your posture... no, not slings' and her 'i think this is fine... no, it doesn't look awful... so what if it's shiny?' urghs. she was totally... sheesh. i so wanted to hide my face. i needed a hole. couldn't find one anywhere near.... i should have just used the bags.
oh well. i got a grey one. i just hope it doesn't break on me again. oh yeah. it's canvas. and YES, it's not waterproof and nylon. oh god. THANK GOD.
aha. so so so much homework undone. i'll choing later! DON'T DISTURB =X oh gosh. i hope i'll finish everything i need to =D oh well. so what if i don't? i mean, it'll be my first time in THIS YEAR. but nothing new about me.. ha. okay bye! off to eat dinner and then i'll start with work right after (:
oh well. freaking tired after walking so much.
here's a nice song. but i'm not sure if i have put it up before. OH WELL (: Wherever You Will Go by The Calling -i just love them-:
So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
CHORUS
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
CHORUS
Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
CHORUS
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go
yes, i, or Jessica, lied.
i figured Jessica lies. sinfully. she lies lies lies. she just plots lies after another. and it's only today that i realised she's been lying to me, and of course herself, as expected. i truly hate her for the way she has kept me in the dark about so many things, but i can't seem to do anything... one day, i just know, one day, i'll get back at her for all this. for now, i'll let it go. i'll try to let it go at least.
Happy Birthday Erica! (: she's 14. single. happy. and adorably weird =D you go girl! haha. yes, you're my senior. i kinda hate you for that, for being older... but nvm (: i'll TRY to love you all the same xP ha. sorry i couldn't make it to spend your birthday with you guys =X but i hope you had fun! haha. okay i know you did +D love you girl! have a good 14th year... -.- eh. yarrh...
okay. i went out to vivo. finally, got a bag to replace the broken Desiel imitation bag (: but it's not exactly nice. but oh well. it's alright lah. a bag's a bag. it's presentable... you know what? i went to the shop with my mum and she was TOTALLY embarrassing with her 'i think you should get a waterproof bag... excuse me sir, do you have a waterproof one?' and her 'i think a backpack is better for your posture... no, not slings' and her 'i think this is fine... no, it doesn't look awful... so what if it's shiny?' urghs. she was totally... sheesh. i so wanted to hide my face. i needed a hole. couldn't find one anywhere near.... i should have just used the bags.
oh well. i got a grey one. i just hope it doesn't break on me again. oh yeah. it's canvas. and YES, it's not waterproof and nylon. oh god. THANK GOD.
aha. so so so much homework undone. i'll choing later! DON'T DISTURB =X oh gosh. i hope i'll finish everything i need to =D oh well. so what if i don't? i mean, it'll be my first time in THIS YEAR. but nothing new about me.. ha. okay bye! off to eat dinner and then i'll start with work right after (:
oh well. freaking tired after walking so much.
here's a nice song. but i'm not sure if i have put it up before. OH WELL (: Wherever You Will Go by The Calling -i just love them-:
So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
CHORUS
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
CHORUS
Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
CHORUS
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go
yes, i, or Jessica, lied.
'what a small world'.
ha. erica was telling me how her friend from another school likes this amb member she sees on the bus often. and she finds him funny -no idea why or how- and cute. aha. but it's so amusing. cause, i mean... a guy in amb, cute? haha. maybe sikai. i mean, he looks the most PRESENTABLE and appealing. and funny, maybe. haha. noffence meant here boys. and no sikai, don't be flattered =X
haha. small world. small world... haha. funny and so very amusing. oh well (:
ahh. i feel so much happier now. i managed to calm myself down somehow. oh well =D i just hope things are the way they seem and that i ain't kidding no one, especially NOT myself. ha. and somehow, just somehow, i suddenly feel as though i have lifted all dependant-behaviour off people and be a little more independant. i hope i stay this way =D it feels good you know (: haha. god. i'm such a sucker. ha.
but oh well (: whatever it is. i still feel good.
independence does not take no love away...
ha. erica was telling me how her friend from another school likes this amb member she sees on the bus often. and she finds him funny -no idea why or how- and cute. aha. but it's so amusing. cause, i mean... a guy in amb, cute? haha. maybe sikai. i mean, he looks the most PRESENTABLE and appealing. and funny, maybe. haha. noffence meant here boys. and no sikai, don't be flattered =X
haha. small world. small world... haha. funny and so very amusing. oh well (:
ahh. i feel so much happier now. i managed to calm myself down somehow. oh well =D i just hope things are the way they seem and that i ain't kidding no one, especially NOT myself. ha. and somehow, just somehow, i suddenly feel as though i have lifted all dependant-behaviour off people and be a little more independant. i hope i stay this way =D it feels good you know (: haha. god. i'm such a sucker. ha.
but oh well (: whatever it is. i still feel good.
independence does not take no love away...
Saturday, January 20, 2007
'oh, yes, you'.
ahh. i was talking to Erica. and she said she got a bloody crumpler! =X oh gosh. i want lah. afterall, my bag broke. but argh. it's 95 bloody bucks. where the hell will i every get such a sum? oh well. and she sent me a few songs. one of which i hate the song, but i love the lyrics.
so here it goes, to all the jerks out there, READ THIS. Irreplaceable by Beyonce Knowles:
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
Mmmm to the left, to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet, thats my stuff
Yes, if I bought it, baby please don't touch (don't touch)
And keep talking that mess, thats fine
Could you walk and talk, at the same time?
And its my name thats on that jag
So go move your bags, let me call you a cab
Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable
So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick, and see if shes home
Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for?
Because you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby, drop them keys
Hurry up, before your taxi leaves
Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable
So since I'm not your everything
How about I'll be nothing?
nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing)
Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you)
I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep)
Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is)
Replacing you is so easy
To the left, to the left
To the left, to the left
Mmmmm
To the left, to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
To the left, to the left
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' (baby! hey yea)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You can pack all your bags we're finished
Cause you made your bed now i can lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable
b-e-a-utiful lyrics. i mean. the message it sends out. the lyrics repeat to much. but whatever, jerks, read it. ha. okay. now i feel better (: shall start talking to people on msn now...
ahh. i was talking to Erica. and she said she got a bloody crumpler! =X oh gosh. i want lah. afterall, my bag broke. but argh. it's 95 bloody bucks. where the hell will i every get such a sum? oh well. and she sent me a few songs. one of which i hate the song, but i love the lyrics.
so here it goes, to all the jerks out there, READ THIS. Irreplaceable by Beyonce Knowles:
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
Mmmm to the left, to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet, thats my stuff
Yes, if I bought it, baby please don't touch (don't touch)
And keep talking that mess, thats fine
Could you walk and talk, at the same time?
And its my name thats on that jag
So go move your bags, let me call you a cab
Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable
So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick, and see if shes home
Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for?
Because you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby, drop them keys
Hurry up, before your taxi leaves
Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable
So since I'm not your everything
How about I'll be nothing?
nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing)
Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you)
I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep)
Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is)
Replacing you is so easy
To the left, to the left
To the left, to the left
Mmmmm
To the left, to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
To the left, to the left
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' (baby! hey yea)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You can pack all your bags we're finished
Cause you made your bed now i can lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable
b-e-a-utiful lyrics. i mean. the message it sends out. the lyrics repeat to much. but whatever, jerks, read it. ha. okay. now i feel better (: shall start talking to people on msn now...
'just go'.
i had pizza for dinner! (: hehe. i feel so full though. like stuffed. my tummy is grossly BIG! huge. disgustingly huge. haha. i feel sick thinking of the amount of weight i'm gonna gain! =X urghs. i feel guilty. oh god. i might just turn out bullemic soon. ha.
okay okay (: wait. gimme awhile. i need to erm entertain the people talking to me on msn.
okay. back. oh. and i drank beer. again. but not much. i'm at home. my mum refuses to pour more for me or take anymore in fact... so i stuck with the amount given. which can be almost described as bloody frugal. argh. and i need more. i NEED the alchohol. makes me lighten up. slightly. gets my mind off things. no, gets my mind off.
but the only thing the little frugal amount of beer did to me was make me really really agitated. i feel like shit now. and i'm getting so bloody pissed off at things i shouldn't even be unhappy with. okay fine. not shouldn't. but i don't want to... and if you want me to put me honestly, i have always been slightly unhappy. and somehow i always always manage to push those feelings away, bottle them up. but somehow, something is making the bottle burst from all the pressure and i'm feeling horrible upset now. like pandora's box or something... the way she let the sins out onto the earth.
jeez. if i could just take a axe and hack at...
i had pizza for dinner! (: hehe. i feel so full though. like stuffed. my tummy is grossly BIG! huge. disgustingly huge. haha. i feel sick thinking of the amount of weight i'm gonna gain! =X urghs. i feel guilty. oh god. i might just turn out bullemic soon. ha.
okay okay (: wait. gimme awhile. i need to erm entertain the people talking to me on msn.
okay. back. oh. and i drank beer. again. but not much. i'm at home. my mum refuses to pour more for me or take anymore in fact... so i stuck with the amount given. which can be almost described as bloody frugal. argh. and i need more. i NEED the alchohol. makes me lighten up. slightly. gets my mind off things. no, gets my mind off.
but the only thing the little frugal amount of beer did to me was make me really really agitated. i feel like shit now. and i'm getting so bloody pissed off at things i shouldn't even be unhappy with. okay fine. not shouldn't. but i don't want to... and if you want me to put me honestly, i have always been slightly unhappy. and somehow i always always manage to push those feelings away, bottle them up. but somehow, something is making the bottle burst from all the pressure and i'm feeling horrible upset now. like pandora's box or something... the way she let the sins out onto the earth.
jeez. if i could just take a axe and hack at...
Friday, January 19, 2007
'i like this feeling'.
i feel so drugged and dazed and so bloody spaced-out. like i'm floating in this whole other space, dimension. at least my mind is. and i feel so good this way. like everything bad has disappear from the face of earth, no, from this world that i am in. there's no sins. clear out of them. i'm free and happy. i'm smiling.
in reality, i'm smiling to the monitor with a dazed expression on my face. in my world, i'm smiling and laughing in esctasy, alone in this dimension. i dream a house, white and secluded. away from people, miles and miles away. it's tiny. but simple, plain, square. one bedroom, huge white bed, soft and nice. simple straight fridge stuffed with food. white huge bean bag couches lie all over the ash-wood floors... the plants are hanging from the ceilings in white pots. i see a silhouette at the end of the room. he stares at me and smiles. he says he loves me. i smile. and for once, i feel more than blessed. i feel immortal.
whoever he is, whoever i wish him to be, he almost feels like God. he's like The One. he is all i need. who that matter the most in my life... in reality and in my dreams. and i love him.
i feel so drugged and dazed and so bloody spaced-out. like i'm floating in this whole other space, dimension. at least my mind is. and i feel so good this way. like everything bad has disappear from the face of earth, no, from this world that i am in. there's no sins. clear out of them. i'm free and happy. i'm smiling.
in reality, i'm smiling to the monitor with a dazed expression on my face. in my world, i'm smiling and laughing in esctasy, alone in this dimension. i dream a house, white and secluded. away from people, miles and miles away. it's tiny. but simple, plain, square. one bedroom, huge white bed, soft and nice. simple straight fridge stuffed with food. white huge bean bag couches lie all over the ash-wood floors... the plants are hanging from the ceilings in white pots. i see a silhouette at the end of the room. he stares at me and smiles. he says he loves me. i smile. and for once, i feel more than blessed. i feel immortal.
whoever he is, whoever i wish him to be, he almost feels like God. he's like The One. he is all i need. who that matter the most in my life... in reality and in my dreams. and i love him.
'i wait for you to kill me'.
yay! (: just came back from band. haha. had absolute fun playing Jubiloso! =D very tiring though but worth it all... honestly. we played Sunrise and Irish Rhapsody and Ride, but the conductor score was missing a 4th page so we only played like a third of the first page. and we moved on to Theresa Teng songs (: Good Bye My Love. haha. Pinru very lame! she claims that ai4 ren2 -chinese for lover- sounds like aaron --" ha. she win lah!
i think i need to work on my tonguing lah. i sound horrible. and i still have thise horrible dreaded tendency to like use air instead of my tongue. not very good actually. no, horrible. kinda like an absolute disaster =X if i'm not careful, i could cause the band a lot of lost during the syf. wouldn't like that really... blah.
ahh. piled with a whole huge ton of homework. i hope i remember to do them and i hope i finish them well or that i didn't miss anything out... i plan to be a good girl this year really (: i already am of course. but a better girl then =D i want to be -as joshua loves to say about himself- a girl with a visible halo above her head (: i can almost see it imerging already as i look into the mirror =D
oh talking about joshua. it's so sad how he's in army... and i like have no one to really POUR my heart out to anymore! or like be made fun of in such a way i end up laughing hysterically, with and at myself. haha. recently, i had tendencies of picking up the phone to make a call and i realise: there's not really anyone i can TALK to anymore. sadly. oh well (: i'm still alive. very alive actually... hehe xP
oh yes, Geraldine and i were crapping after band. talked about something that almost made me lose my jaw to the ground... thank god it didn't seem the way i thought it was to be. my world would have crumbled. i swear.
okay. dad screaming. i shall go eat dinner now =X bye!
yay! (: just came back from band. haha. had absolute fun playing Jubiloso! =D very tiring though but worth it all... honestly. we played Sunrise and Irish Rhapsody and Ride, but the conductor score was missing a 4th page so we only played like a third of the first page. and we moved on to Theresa Teng songs (: Good Bye My Love. haha. Pinru very lame! she claims that ai4 ren2 -chinese for lover- sounds like aaron --" ha. she win lah!
i think i need to work on my tonguing lah. i sound horrible. and i still have thise horrible dreaded tendency to like use air instead of my tongue. not very good actually. no, horrible. kinda like an absolute disaster =X if i'm not careful, i could cause the band a lot of lost during the syf. wouldn't like that really... blah.
ahh. piled with a whole huge ton of homework. i hope i remember to do them and i hope i finish them well or that i didn't miss anything out... i plan to be a good girl this year really (: i already am of course. but a better girl then =D i want to be -as joshua loves to say about himself- a girl with a visible halo above her head (: i can almost see it imerging already as i look into the mirror =D
oh talking about joshua. it's so sad how he's in army... and i like have no one to really POUR my heart out to anymore! or like be made fun of in such a way i end up laughing hysterically, with and at myself. haha. recently, i had tendencies of picking up the phone to make a call and i realise: there's not really anyone i can TALK to anymore. sadly. oh well (: i'm still alive. very alive actually... hehe xP
oh yes, Geraldine and i were crapping after band. talked about something that almost made me lose my jaw to the ground... thank god it didn't seem the way i thought it was to be. my world would have crumbled. i swear.
okay. dad screaming. i shall go eat dinner now =X bye!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
'please don't wake me when i'm asleep'.
i just finished watching The Wedding Date and recording it. spectacular show. i love it (: it's so sweet. geez... i hate movies. they're so unreal. so superficial. so fairytale. so untrue... such a lie. they're this huge big fat lie, slammed on a tv screen and sold in cinema. yeah. people actually pay for lies... watching them makes you so so so envious though. the burning in me, tells me i'm wanting.
haha. i promised my mum i'll come back from school everyday and spend two hours on my work and then use the computer. i've been on the computer since i came back =X and honestly, i don't really care... haha. but i need to do my homework soon! i have a lot to do. so i shall get off right after i post this...
oh yes, i was talking to Henry, my exclassmate, about Valentine's day. haha. and then i started to wonder what a girl would want for valentine's day. what I would want... ha. i realised i hadn't really thought about it. well, i know what i want... and as for that, it's for me to know and NOT to post about =X haha.
mood swings. they aren't a very pleasant thing... don't think they'll EVER be xP
Breathless by The Corrs:
Go on
Go on
Leave me breathless
Come on
Yeah
The daylight's fading slowly
But time with you is standing still
I'm waiting for you only
The slightest touch and I feel weak
I cannot lie
From you I cannot hide
And I'm losing the will to try
Can't hide it
Can't fight it
So go on, go on,
Come on leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me,
Until I can't deny this loving feeling
Make me long for your kiss
Go on, go on, yeah
Come on
And if there's no tomorrow
And all we have is here and now
I'm happy just to have you and
You're all the love I need somehow
It's like a dream
Although I'm not asleep
And I never want to wake up
Don't lose it
Don't leave it
So go on, go on,
Come on leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me,
Until I can't deny this loving feeling
Make me long for your kiss
Go on, go on, yeah
Come on
And I can't lie
From you I cannot hide
And I've lost my will to try
Can't hide it
Can't fight it
So go on, Go on,
Come on leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me,
Until I can't deny this lovin' feeling
Make me long for your kiss
Go on, go on, come on leave me breathless
Go on, go on, come on leave me breathless
Go on, go on, come on leave me breathless
Go on, go on
haha rather old song. nice to listen to bah. heard it in The Wedding Date. i think the lyrics are rather meaningful.. read them (:
i just finished watching The Wedding Date and recording it. spectacular show. i love it (: it's so sweet. geez... i hate movies. they're so unreal. so superficial. so fairytale. so untrue... such a lie. they're this huge big fat lie, slammed on a tv screen and sold in cinema. yeah. people actually pay for lies... watching them makes you so so so envious though. the burning in me, tells me i'm wanting.
haha. i promised my mum i'll come back from school everyday and spend two hours on my work and then use the computer. i've been on the computer since i came back =X and honestly, i don't really care... haha. but i need to do my homework soon! i have a lot to do. so i shall get off right after i post this...
oh yes, i was talking to Henry, my exclassmate, about Valentine's day. haha. and then i started to wonder what a girl would want for valentine's day. what I would want... ha. i realised i hadn't really thought about it. well, i know what i want... and as for that, it's for me to know and NOT to post about =X haha.
mood swings. they aren't a very pleasant thing... don't think they'll EVER be xP
Breathless by The Corrs:
Go on
Go on
Leave me breathless
Come on
Yeah
The daylight's fading slowly
But time with you is standing still
I'm waiting for you only
The slightest touch and I feel weak
I cannot lie
From you I cannot hide
And I'm losing the will to try
Can't hide it
Can't fight it
So go on, go on,
Come on leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me,
Until I can't deny this loving feeling
Make me long for your kiss
Go on, go on, yeah
Come on
And if there's no tomorrow
And all we have is here and now
I'm happy just to have you and
You're all the love I need somehow
It's like a dream
Although I'm not asleep
And I never want to wake up
Don't lose it
Don't leave it
So go on, go on,
Come on leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me,
Until I can't deny this loving feeling
Make me long for your kiss
Go on, go on, yeah
Come on
And I can't lie
From you I cannot hide
And I've lost my will to try
Can't hide it
Can't fight it
So go on, Go on,
Come on leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me,
Until I can't deny this lovin' feeling
Make me long for your kiss
Go on, go on, come on leave me breathless
Go on, go on, come on leave me breathless
Go on, go on, come on leave me breathless
Go on, go on
haha rather old song. nice to listen to bah. heard it in The Wedding Date. i think the lyrics are rather meaningful.. read them (:
'things aren't the way they seem'.
ahh. sweaty, tired, sticky. i feel gross. i'm so disgustingly sweaty that my shirt is like clinging to my back. urghs. and i don't wanna bathe either... haha. don't wanna waste clean clothes till night time. then i can change into baggy shirt that i'll wear to sleep or something (: hehe. conserving water it's called.
hm. school was... rather fun today =D haha. science especially. had a hell load of fun laughing at Mrs Dan's usage of words with Carmina! =X haha. she talks to us like lil' kids! first, she makes stories out of atoms then she goes on to say weird stuff like 'snagey snake' in a singsong voice that drives us mad! but other than, the weird things she does, she ain't that bad (: kinda like her as a teacher. haha.
haha then we had english. Ms Lee was playing Taboo with the class... haha. Erica's good. but i don't have that much understanding with her describtions as Carmina does. sadly. oh well (: we signed up! haha. Ms Lee, i got to know, can be nice to talk to... just needs some getting used to =X no offence meant here really! i mean, first impressions are very deceiving at times. hehe xP
okay okay. i have to go cook my lunch! (: bye people. blog later.
ahh. sweaty, tired, sticky. i feel gross. i'm so disgustingly sweaty that my shirt is like clinging to my back. urghs. and i don't wanna bathe either... haha. don't wanna waste clean clothes till night time. then i can change into baggy shirt that i'll wear to sleep or something (: hehe. conserving water it's called.
hm. school was... rather fun today =D haha. science especially. had a hell load of fun laughing at Mrs Dan's usage of words with Carmina! =X haha. she talks to us like lil' kids! first, she makes stories out of atoms then she goes on to say weird stuff like 'snagey snake' in a singsong voice that drives us mad! but other than, the weird things she does, she ain't that bad (: kinda like her as a teacher. haha.
haha then we had english. Ms Lee was playing Taboo with the class... haha. Erica's good. but i don't have that much understanding with her describtions as Carmina does. sadly. oh well (: we signed up! haha. Ms Lee, i got to know, can be nice to talk to... just needs some getting used to =X no offence meant here really! i mean, first impressions are very deceiving at times. hehe xP
okay okay. i have to go cook my lunch! (: bye people. blog later.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
'why live life from dream to dream?'.
i'm craving craving craving for moulin rouge songs but the account i'm using now is my bro's and i can't find the songs here. crap... i want! (: come what may. one day i'll fly away. elephant love medley. omg. crave crave crave. i knew of food cravings, i never had such bad music cravings though... never before (x
oh. we had lit today! talked about abusive relationships ina marriage. or abusive spouses. and about the Women's Charter. and it only dawned on me now that women really put through so much just to stay in a relationship and to hopefully, not affect their children. i wonder what goes through their mind when they decide to stay... is it their once present love for their husbands? or just simply shame and fear of leaving the family behind and having to cope with financial problems? it beats me really...
oh then we had chinese -boring!- and then math. hehe. Mrs Ang didn't come. so we were given indices homework to do. haha. i'm beginning to like math you know (: once you've got a hang of it. at least slightly. haha. Erica and Steph kept complaining about how Mrs Ang doesn't teach much... but i kinda like the way she just gives us enough sufficient information and let's us explore ourselves. i have no idea why...
Ms Lee took my contact number and email today from me. some debate thing. me? debate? har har. kidding me man... oh well. even IF i got involved, i'd just pray some cute english guy would be our coach. like Tim Gan or something. is that how his name is spelt?
oh well. bored dead now... i think i've finished my work. i yet again forgot to being back color pencils AND popular didn't want to give me back my book. ha (x i don't blame them...but oh well, what can i do? ha. i didn't sneeze twice today. the person who missed me is getting too busy to think of me. i think... oh gosh. how sad ): ha.
why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?
i'm craving craving craving for moulin rouge songs but the account i'm using now is my bro's and i can't find the songs here. crap... i want! (: come what may. one day i'll fly away. elephant love medley. omg. crave crave crave. i knew of food cravings, i never had such bad music cravings though... never before (x
oh. we had lit today! talked about abusive relationships ina marriage. or abusive spouses. and about the Women's Charter. and it only dawned on me now that women really put through so much just to stay in a relationship and to hopefully, not affect their children. i wonder what goes through their mind when they decide to stay... is it their once present love for their husbands? or just simply shame and fear of leaving the family behind and having to cope with financial problems? it beats me really...
oh then we had chinese -boring!- and then math. hehe. Mrs Ang didn't come. so we were given indices homework to do. haha. i'm beginning to like math you know (: once you've got a hang of it. at least slightly. haha. Erica and Steph kept complaining about how Mrs Ang doesn't teach much... but i kinda like the way she just gives us enough sufficient information and let's us explore ourselves. i have no idea why...
Ms Lee took my contact number and email today from me. some debate thing. me? debate? har har. kidding me man... oh well. even IF i got involved, i'd just pray some cute english guy would be our coach. like Tim Gan or something. is that how his name is spelt?
oh well. bored dead now... i think i've finished my work. i yet again forgot to being back color pencils AND popular didn't want to give me back my book. ha (x i don't blame them...but oh well, what can i do? ha. i didn't sneeze twice today. the person who missed me is getting too busy to think of me. i think... oh gosh. how sad ): ha.
why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?
'minjun the stupid'.
omg. i feel like murdering myself. yesterday, i went to popular to change this Spectrum workbook which i purchased wrongly to the practical. they didn't have 2A -which Mrs Dan will kill me- so i took 2B. the counter told me i had $1.50 change more and i could get something else. i walked to the stationary area and got a pen, when i returned to the counter, they gave me a receipt. i took it, and walked off WITHOUT the book!
i'm so dead.
just now i wanted to do my math homework and realised i didn't know what questions to do. so i asked rae. okay... so i got the questions. then i realised i didn't have my timetable with me! i left it in school. so i asked rae again... then, i realised i didn't have my math textbook. i left it in school too! =X smart me. i called erica up and she kindly read out everything for me (:
so i got on to doing Weishan's birthday card. i outlined everything and realised i left my colorpencils in school! =X sheesh. i have to stop leaving everything there lah... argh. i hate this.
talking about timetable. i can't seem to recall what rae told me =X ARGH. crap. i better get off to sleep now... i might happen to dream about the timetable then bah xP
omg. i feel like murdering myself. yesterday, i went to popular to change this Spectrum workbook which i purchased wrongly to the practical. they didn't have 2A -which Mrs Dan will kill me- so i took 2B. the counter told me i had $1.50 change more and i could get something else. i walked to the stationary area and got a pen, when i returned to the counter, they gave me a receipt. i took it, and walked off WITHOUT the book!
i'm so dead.
just now i wanted to do my math homework and realised i didn't know what questions to do. so i asked rae. okay... so i got the questions. then i realised i didn't have my timetable with me! i left it in school. so i asked rae again... then, i realised i didn't have my math textbook. i left it in school too! =X smart me. i called erica up and she kindly read out everything for me (:
so i got on to doing Weishan's birthday card. i outlined everything and realised i left my colorpencils in school! =X sheesh. i have to stop leaving everything there lah... argh. i hate this.
talking about timetable. i can't seem to recall what rae told me =X ARGH. crap. i better get off to sleep now... i might happen to dream about the timetable then bah xP
Monday, January 15, 2007
'slap me awake'.
feeling rather lethargic and fat. utterly, grossly, fat. i reached home at 4pm today and had not eaten lunch. so i opened up the sour cream, salsa, avacado, lettuce, cheese, chicken and made myself three huge fat fajitas. urghs. i ate and ate and ate. so sick lah. i put so much fillings that the wrap broke on me =X
plus, after eating, i turned on Just Friends, watched it for the fifth time and fell asleep. i fell asleep right after eating! ew ew ew. i just feel so fat lah. i don't wanna have like a huge buldge, wearing my pe attire you know. not like i don't already ): sob. eeee. sob sob.
i had a really interesting dream. just can't recall its content. haha. oh well, felt real enough that when i woke up, i asked myself where i was. haha. i'm kinda weird thank you.
oh. i sneezed two times in a row twice today! (: someone's missing me =D haha. or so i hope xD i wonder who eh. haha. my once, supposedly, potential person to miss me is really busy and he probably has zero time to do that. so... haha. i have no idea who. i hope my shrink isn't worrying about me as usual. cause i think he has a hell lot more better things to do... hm. i wonder who (: haha. and the white patches on my nails have grown to a nice number of 8 =D
oh well. i'm gonna lug my fat self to the shower now and clean the gross salsa stain of my shirt. and then when i smell better, i'll go do my math homework. blah. don't wanna do! but i have no choice i suppose... haha. mrs ang came into class today and said she doesn't want to treat us like primary school kids. HUR HUR. ironic... and right after, mrs dan comes in and has set this way of making us put a finger on our lips and raise our hand to get our attention or else we have to give one buck to the bloody class fund.
tell me, i'm fourteen right? 1-4? fourteen? sec two? hm... i thought so too actually. till now.
feeling rather lethargic and fat. utterly, grossly, fat. i reached home at 4pm today and had not eaten lunch. so i opened up the sour cream, salsa, avacado, lettuce, cheese, chicken and made myself three huge fat fajitas. urghs. i ate and ate and ate. so sick lah. i put so much fillings that the wrap broke on me =X
plus, after eating, i turned on Just Friends, watched it for the fifth time and fell asleep. i fell asleep right after eating! ew ew ew. i just feel so fat lah. i don't wanna have like a huge buldge, wearing my pe attire you know. not like i don't already ): sob. eeee. sob sob.
i had a really interesting dream. just can't recall its content. haha. oh well, felt real enough that when i woke up, i asked myself where i was. haha. i'm kinda weird thank you.
oh. i sneezed two times in a row twice today! (: someone's missing me =D haha. or so i hope xD i wonder who eh. haha. my once, supposedly, potential person to miss me is really busy and he probably has zero time to do that. so... haha. i have no idea who. i hope my shrink isn't worrying about me as usual. cause i think he has a hell lot more better things to do... hm. i wonder who (: haha. and the white patches on my nails have grown to a nice number of 8 =D
oh well. i'm gonna lug my fat self to the shower now and clean the gross salsa stain of my shirt. and then when i smell better, i'll go do my math homework. blah. don't wanna do! but i have no choice i suppose... haha. mrs ang came into class today and said she doesn't want to treat us like primary school kids. HUR HUR. ironic... and right after, mrs dan comes in and has set this way of making us put a finger on our lips and raise our hand to get our attention or else we have to give one buck to the bloody class fund.
tell me, i'm fourteen right? 1-4? fourteen? sec two? hm... i thought so too actually. till now.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
'i hate you'.
had performance at cheng san cc today. performed a few songs then left le. and took a bus back to school which was quite lame because the two place -school and the cc- were barely 100m apart --" yeah. haha. quite a waste, having to shift up and down the bus and all. oh well. amb was fast today! yay! (:
mr lim very bad! jamie didn't do so well for her solo in eighties and mr lim was laughing and laughing at the back -he was beside prav- very bad! i think he is evil lah. super evil.
oh yay! having fajitas later (: hehe. i'm gonna stuff myself and stuff stuff stuff. haha. i'll grow fat though.
well, i know i hate myself for hating you and loving you, all the same.
Falling to Pieces by Avril Lavigne:
I looked away
Then I looked back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today is the day I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
You're the only one
I'd be with 'til the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything
Everything
I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
And I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
had performance at cheng san cc today. performed a few songs then left le. and took a bus back to school which was quite lame because the two place -school and the cc- were barely 100m apart --" yeah. haha. quite a waste, having to shift up and down the bus and all. oh well. amb was fast today! yay! (:
mr lim very bad! jamie didn't do so well for her solo in eighties and mr lim was laughing and laughing at the back -he was beside prav- very bad! i think he is evil lah. super evil.
oh yay! having fajitas later (: hehe. i'm gonna stuff myself and stuff stuff stuff. haha. i'll grow fat though.
well, i know i hate myself for hating you and loving you, all the same.
Falling to Pieces by Avril Lavigne:
I looked away
Then I looked back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today is the day I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
You're the only one
I'd be with 'til the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything
Everything
I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
And I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
'it's so godamned cold in here'.
i wanted to go for art classes this morning but i messaged Cynthia last night about the time and she didn't reply till a few minutes ago which was way too late.. oh well. so i guess i'll just go next week. i think i'll painting what i drew - girl tied up in strings and scissors stuck through her chest.
ahh. and it's freezing today. i hate the horrible wheathers in singapore. damn bloody irritating... sigh. it's so freaking cold. i need to soak myself in hot water. should feel better after.
oh yeah. yesterday i exclaimed that chinese new year was 4 days after valentine's during dinner and mr lim asked if i even celebrate valentine's. ha. do i? will i? i'm not very sure... i don't wanna be sure. i just hope and pray again i don't end up spending valentine's the way i did last year - with a dim house, my maid and my dog.
i wanted to go for art classes this morning but i messaged Cynthia last night about the time and she didn't reply till a few minutes ago which was way too late.. oh well. so i guess i'll just go next week. i think i'll painting what i drew - girl tied up in strings and scissors stuck through her chest.
ahh. and it's freezing today. i hate the horrible wheathers in singapore. damn bloody irritating... sigh. it's so freaking cold. i need to soak myself in hot water. should feel better after.
oh yeah. yesterday i exclaimed that chinese new year was 4 days after valentine's during dinner and mr lim asked if i even celebrate valentine's. ha. do i? will i? i'm not very sure... i don't wanna be sure. i just hope and pray again i don't end up spending valentine's the way i did last year - with a dim house, my maid and my dog.
'lovefool'.
yay! =D today very fun! ha. CCA open house. haha. did our formation and all. hoorays for amb! i think we did well and all so yeah xD haha. the running and shifting was utterly tiring lah.. but oh well (: fun nevertheless...
had band practice after that! (: finally, yes, finally went through jubiloso for the first time at 160 speed! haha. very shiok, but accordingly overlooked a lot of detailed marks or articulation. oh well, so we went back to 132 and played from that speed. i think the band sounded really really good today, when mr yea conducted. it sounded really nice! =D i like the slow movement part... damn shiok. so orgasmic lah xP
ha! and i volunteered to take the place of some person who backed out of the yu hua concert. so Michelle, who went too, and i went to city hall and then walked to esplanade, then through the underpass of anderson bridge, over to vch side then to mac. we had a mcflurry each, talked and talked and sat by the riverside. i bought gummies! (: hah. i'm gonna GROW FAT ): but whatever lah.. i couldn't help it xP
joined the rest of them, Swee Kee, Pinru, Dawn, Siling, Chiew Yee, Shimin, Joanne, Xin Yi, Rachel. yeah. then we went into the concert hall. bloooody good band! (: haha amazinglearning experience. beautiful eupho solos and stuff. haha. orgasmic saxaphone solos. yeah. i think it was worth the 12 bucks we paid! xD
oh and then we met Mr Lim, Mr Yea... Mr Yea still loves hitting my head as much as ever ): haha but he went home. so we ended up eating with Mr Lim at mac. a few of them went home... after which, i had past my curfew which was eleven, mr lim drove a few of us back. thank you mr lim! :D he very nice (: but my mum complained about me returning home late and she refuse to listen to my REASONS and took them as 'excuses'. there is a difference to those two words lah!
haha. oh well. mums will remain mums... hehe.
i wonder what will happen a few weeks down the road. i'm scared. Jessica can't wait. she's dancing with excitement. Jessica likes getting into trouble, i think she's sick in the head!... oh well.
will this last a month more?
yay! =D today very fun! ha. CCA open house. haha. did our formation and all. hoorays for amb! i think we did well and all so yeah xD haha. the running and shifting was utterly tiring lah.. but oh well (: fun nevertheless...
had band practice after that! (: finally, yes, finally went through jubiloso for the first time at 160 speed! haha. very shiok, but accordingly overlooked a lot of detailed marks or articulation. oh well, so we went back to 132 and played from that speed. i think the band sounded really really good today, when mr yea conducted. it sounded really nice! =D i like the slow movement part... damn shiok. so orgasmic lah xP
ha! and i volunteered to take the place of some person who backed out of the yu hua concert. so Michelle, who went too, and i went to city hall and then walked to esplanade, then through the underpass of anderson bridge, over to vch side then to mac. we had a mcflurry each, talked and talked and sat by the riverside. i bought gummies! (: hah. i'm gonna GROW FAT ): but whatever lah.. i couldn't help it xP
joined the rest of them, Swee Kee, Pinru, Dawn, Siling, Chiew Yee, Shimin, Joanne, Xin Yi, Rachel. yeah. then we went into the concert hall. bloooody good band! (: haha amazinglearning experience. beautiful eupho solos and stuff. haha. orgasmic saxaphone solos. yeah. i think it was worth the 12 bucks we paid! xD
oh and then we met Mr Lim, Mr Yea... Mr Yea still loves hitting my head as much as ever ): haha but he went home. so we ended up eating with Mr Lim at mac. a few of them went home... after which, i had past my curfew which was eleven, mr lim drove a few of us back. thank you mr lim! :D he very nice (: but my mum complained about me returning home late and she refuse to listen to my REASONS and took them as 'excuses'. there is a difference to those two words lah!
haha. oh well. mums will remain mums... hehe.
i wonder what will happen a few weeks down the road. i'm scared. Jessica can't wait. she's dancing with excitement. Jessica likes getting into trouble, i think she's sick in the head!... oh well.
will this last a month more?
Thursday, January 11, 2007
'if i couldn't put it in chinese'.
for chinese we were made to write about 5 or 10 things in our daily lives that made up happy. i had it all in my mind. in english of course... translation was the pure problem. that's where my tuition teacher came in to help (: oh well, here's what i'd say in english:
happiness is to sit in the dim-litted band room, eupho in hand. playing music so beautiful, throwing every bit of myself into it almost doesn't seem a problem at...
happiness is to listen to relieving, stoothing classical music, paintbrush in hand. and as each stroke of paint goes onto the canvas, a painting of emotions and feelings imerge, slowly, onto the once blank-white canvas, giving me a feeling so wonderful. a feeling of esctasy and wonderment...
happiness is to ride a bike in the middle of the night. one of which the air is still and cold, riding through it feels as though you're breakng through the stillness and the strain on your tighs burn and burn but yet the feeling you get in return is unimaginable...
happiness is to lie on a secluded beach, staring up into the sky, watching the clouds go by, feeling the sun on your skin, heating you with so much warmth. making you feel as though you're invincible, as though you've disappeared from the face of earth and into this whole new world. a world of your own.
happiness is to work on something so hard. having to plan it out for days and month, and watching it come together like pieces of a puzzles forming a picture so beautiful, something of which people appreciate and enjoy.
happiness is to have someone you can talk to, spill your heart out to. laugh and cry, all the same. someone you can say anything and everything to and know that you'll be accepted for who you are. know that you are cared for and loved...
happiness is to return home after a tired day and to lie down, relaxed and gazing into the ceiling recalling the day. the memories, good and bad alike...
happiness is to celebrate and occasion of joy with extended family. to see everyone come together as though we've just seen each other the day before... drinking, eating and laughing all together. the joy that overwhelmes you is just worth to wonder...
happiness is to be alone at times, to turn the music up, and listen to the songs that you relate to, out down into words so beautiful, words that make sense.
happiness is to be with you. just to look into your eyes and tell you how much i love you, to hold you so tight and wish for time to pause forever. to see you smile, is so much more than enough...
these are things that bring me happiness. things i might not be able to live without. things i love and things i care about...
for chinese we were made to write about 5 or 10 things in our daily lives that made up happy. i had it all in my mind. in english of course... translation was the pure problem. that's where my tuition teacher came in to help (: oh well, here's what i'd say in english:
happiness is to sit in the dim-litted band room, eupho in hand. playing music so beautiful, throwing every bit of myself into it almost doesn't seem a problem at...
happiness is to listen to relieving, stoothing classical music, paintbrush in hand. and as each stroke of paint goes onto the canvas, a painting of emotions and feelings imerge, slowly, onto the once blank-white canvas, giving me a feeling so wonderful. a feeling of esctasy and wonderment...
happiness is to ride a bike in the middle of the night. one of which the air is still and cold, riding through it feels as though you're breakng through the stillness and the strain on your tighs burn and burn but yet the feeling you get in return is unimaginable...
happiness is to lie on a secluded beach, staring up into the sky, watching the clouds go by, feeling the sun on your skin, heating you with so much warmth. making you feel as though you're invincible, as though you've disappeared from the face of earth and into this whole new world. a world of your own.
happiness is to work on something so hard. having to plan it out for days and month, and watching it come together like pieces of a puzzles forming a picture so beautiful, something of which people appreciate and enjoy.
happiness is to have someone you can talk to, spill your heart out to. laugh and cry, all the same. someone you can say anything and everything to and know that you'll be accepted for who you are. know that you are cared for and loved...
happiness is to return home after a tired day and to lie down, relaxed and gazing into the ceiling recalling the day. the memories, good and bad alike...
happiness is to celebrate and occasion of joy with extended family. to see everyone come together as though we've just seen each other the day before... drinking, eating and laughing all together. the joy that overwhelmes you is just worth to wonder...
happiness is to be alone at times, to turn the music up, and listen to the songs that you relate to, out down into words so beautiful, words that make sense.
happiness is to be with you. just to look into your eyes and tell you how much i love you, to hold you so tight and wish for time to pause forever. to see you smile, is so much more than enough...
these are things that bring me happiness. things i might not be able to live without. things i love and things i care about...
'i love the rain'.
i managed to drag my fat ass to ang mo kio library to drop of my 7 books that i have not done reading. nto all 7 but 4 of them were not read. anyway, i bumped into Yong Chun on the bus 851. haha. i don't recall him looking the way he does... i was surprised i even realised it was him and waved.
oh well, talked to him just a bit. nice guy. never talked to him in person much actually... haha. i always only smile and wave, say a bit of a hello, everytime i see him. ha. tell me about being anti-social...
i'm having horrid tuition later at 7pm. -something about the number 7 in this post =X- chinese tuition. urghs. just a horrid nightmare. i swear. and my homework isn't very finished, or not at all. shall roll my fat ass across the room to my table to do the work right after this... talk about homework. i can't figure what homework there is from school i've gotta finish. i've been cracking my brains, doesn't seem to have any, but it ain't right that way... argh.
oh and i spent this long time browsing for books. i realised ang mo kio has horrible stock of it. should go to bishan next time. has better books actually. a lot better... and it rained so i ran in the rain to the bus stop. i love the rain. something about it makes me feel relaxed and safe. maybe not happy, but different in a way... something about the rain changes me, or how i feel.
maybe Jessica is the rain Princess. wouldn't know huh?
i managed to drag my fat ass to ang mo kio library to drop of my 7 books that i have not done reading. nto all 7 but 4 of them were not read. anyway, i bumped into Yong Chun on the bus 851. haha. i don't recall him looking the way he does... i was surprised i even realised it was him and waved.
oh well, talked to him just a bit. nice guy. never talked to him in person much actually... haha. i always only smile and wave, say a bit of a hello, everytime i see him. ha. tell me about being anti-social...
i'm having horrid tuition later at 7pm. -something about the number 7 in this post =X- chinese tuition. urghs. just a horrid nightmare. i swear. and my homework isn't very finished, or not at all. shall roll my fat ass across the room to my table to do the work right after this... talk about homework. i can't figure what homework there is from school i've gotta finish. i've been cracking my brains, doesn't seem to have any, but it ain't right that way... argh.
oh and i spent this long time browsing for books. i realised ang mo kio has horrible stock of it. should go to bishan next time. has better books actually. a lot better... and it rained so i ran in the rain to the bus stop. i love the rain. something about it makes me feel relaxed and safe. maybe not happy, but different in a way... something about the rain changes me, or how i feel.
maybe Jessica is the rain Princess. wouldn't know huh?
'sometimes i wonder...'
sometimes, i wonder i why i blog. maybe to release all these bottled up emotions in me, to bitch about things, hoping no one would realise who i really am or what i think. foolish but still... but how ironic it is when i open my archives and re-read everything i once wrote. posts of such childishness and insensitivity. amusing how something that was suppose to do good, or thought to have, just did the otherwise. just made me despise myself more than i already do...
sometimes, i wonder why i do what i do. i wonder why i let myself do the stupid... the foolish. the things one would not do if put under thought. i wonder why i let myself lose control of who i am, and let myself go astray. i wonder why i can't just hang on like everyone else... i do things i regret. things of bad consequences. countless things. some play a huge role in life, my life. some don't... but adding everything together still gravely affects the world i live in doesn't it?
sometimes, i wonder why things happen. good and bad. why do they happen? is someone out there depicting everything that happens? depicting what we are supposed to learn from our wrong doings. the lessons. of lies, deception and oh gosh, so many more... is there a right lesson to learn? i wonder if there are things that seemingly turn out bad but would actually be the best of the best if turned over and looked at in another perspective...
okay. shall stop there about what i wonder about... i finished Cranked. a book. about a girl who discovers someone different in her. her name is Kristina. the girl in her is Bree. Bree is the exact opposite of Kristina... and because of Bree, Kristina has to succum to drugs and sex. Bree then gets raped, loses her virginity to a guy who she flirted with. she runs to her boyfriend, Chase, and falls deeper into love with him. six weeks after the rape though, she realises she's pregnant. with a child, not Chase's. she keeps strong and gives birth to the child at the age of 17 and tries to get over her drug addictions...
something about the way Bree acts and behaves, thinks and talks, reminds me exact of myself. reading the book made me nauseous a lot... but couldn't put it down. i had to go on reading. i had to see if Bree ended up good... of course, though, my life ain't as screwed up as Bree. thank god for that... or at least i think it ain't as screwed up.
oh yeah. i finished the book in a day! (:
"My Name's Jessica", written today by your's truly:
she whispers my name,
i shake with fear
she wants to play her game,
i know so clear
and as i watch her do her sins,
i tremble, shake and start to cringe
she laughs and screams in so much joy
what is this, another ploy?
she thinks of this as just a game,
i'm asked to join, i don't wanna play
i look, then stare with utmost shame
she shrugs, and sighs, then turns away
she's tired and has had her fun
now, she turns and starts to run
she leaves me here to stand up for her crime,
the fear and disgust goes up my spine
i want to stare at her work in awe,
but the squeeze in my stomach is far too strong
the hatred in me just wants to saw
at her, piece by piece, thick and long
from behind, she returns
i can feel my whole face burn
i turn around, she makes no sound
and as i look, there were things i found:
her face, her face, is so so queer
her eyes, her eyes are oh so green
there is something so familiar,
and when realised, i can't help but scream
oh yes, it is myself i am looking at
am i sure? not just yet
who is she? i had to ask
i want and needed an answer fast
"Jessica", she claims to be
i find it difficult to believe,
"Why exactly do you look like me?"
she laughs and grins as though relieved
her reply, i need to hear
this feeling, i wonder, if it is fear
i dread her words, but what can i do?---
"My dear, i live in you."
i think i'm almost infatuated with Jessica. this girl i just got to know in me...
sometimes, i wonder i why i blog. maybe to release all these bottled up emotions in me, to bitch about things, hoping no one would realise who i really am or what i think. foolish but still... but how ironic it is when i open my archives and re-read everything i once wrote. posts of such childishness and insensitivity. amusing how something that was suppose to do good, or thought to have, just did the otherwise. just made me despise myself more than i already do...
sometimes, i wonder why i do what i do. i wonder why i let myself do the stupid... the foolish. the things one would not do if put under thought. i wonder why i let myself lose control of who i am, and let myself go astray. i wonder why i can't just hang on like everyone else... i do things i regret. things of bad consequences. countless things. some play a huge role in life, my life. some don't... but adding everything together still gravely affects the world i live in doesn't it?
sometimes, i wonder why things happen. good and bad. why do they happen? is someone out there depicting everything that happens? depicting what we are supposed to learn from our wrong doings. the lessons. of lies, deception and oh gosh, so many more... is there a right lesson to learn? i wonder if there are things that seemingly turn out bad but would actually be the best of the best if turned over and looked at in another perspective...
okay. shall stop there about what i wonder about... i finished Cranked. a book. about a girl who discovers someone different in her. her name is Kristina. the girl in her is Bree. Bree is the exact opposite of Kristina... and because of Bree, Kristina has to succum to drugs and sex. Bree then gets raped, loses her virginity to a guy who she flirted with. she runs to her boyfriend, Chase, and falls deeper into love with him. six weeks after the rape though, she realises she's pregnant. with a child, not Chase's. she keeps strong and gives birth to the child at the age of 17 and tries to get over her drug addictions...
something about the way Bree acts and behaves, thinks and talks, reminds me exact of myself. reading the book made me nauseous a lot... but couldn't put it down. i had to go on reading. i had to see if Bree ended up good... of course, though, my life ain't as screwed up as Bree. thank god for that... or at least i think it ain't as screwed up.
oh yeah. i finished the book in a day! (:
"My Name's Jessica", written today by your's truly:
she whispers my name,
i shake with fear
she wants to play her game,
i know so clear
and as i watch her do her sins,
i tremble, shake and start to cringe
she laughs and screams in so much joy
what is this, another ploy?
she thinks of this as just a game,
i'm asked to join, i don't wanna play
i look, then stare with utmost shame
she shrugs, and sighs, then turns away
she's tired and has had her fun
now, she turns and starts to run
she leaves me here to stand up for her crime,
the fear and disgust goes up my spine
i want to stare at her work in awe,
but the squeeze in my stomach is far too strong
the hatred in me just wants to saw
at her, piece by piece, thick and long
from behind, she returns
i can feel my whole face burn
i turn around, she makes no sound
and as i look, there were things i found:
her face, her face, is so so queer
her eyes, her eyes are oh so green
there is something so familiar,
and when realised, i can't help but scream
oh yes, it is myself i am looking at
am i sure? not just yet
who is she? i had to ask
i want and needed an answer fast
"Jessica", she claims to be
i find it difficult to believe,
"Why exactly do you look like me?"
she laughs and grins as though relieved
her reply, i need to hear
this feeling, i wonder, if it is fear
i dread her words, but what can i do?---
"My dear, i live in you."
i think i'm almost infatuated with Jessica. this girl i just got to know in me...
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
'i found out her name'.
her name is Jessica. she's horribly bold, sinful. she's lost her sanity, totally. she's insane. the risk taker, fearless and has no self-boundaries. she'll explore every edge of danger on the face of earth if she could. she'd do every sin too, if she could. she rides with the devil through the burning flames of hell. she chuckles with him at the face of a challenge. she is his best friend... she lives in me.
i used to call her Inner Bitch. i never knew her name. i only knew her for what she did. for the times she pushed Min Jun aside and demanded for the control of this body, to commit her crimes and sins. i knew her for how she would appear in the face of danger. she would console me when i felt uncapable. she would show me the way things should be done, her way. she would do them for me, and i'd watch. well, but most of the time, it was her watching me live...
and although i admire her at times for the courage and confidence she carries, those of which i at times lack, i know she's dangerous. i always knew, and i dislike that of her. she does too much, and never listens, in the least, to me. she does what she wants, pushes me aside, and then expects me to admire her work after everything, when everything becomes reverssivle, and all i can afford to do is gasp in horror.
Jessica had her fun again yesterday. 9th of January 2007. won't forget the day and what happened. Jessica did the unbelievable... she did her sin, while i stood by the side watching, protesting. she couldn't care less. she did her job and then pushed me back into the world to play my role of living. i could hear her laughing inside me with content. while i cried in regret and guilt for the sin she did...
i was angry at her. i almost had enough when she whispered 'it ain't all that bad eh'. and i looked back and thought, maybe not... Jessica may be influencing me. slowly. but i made a promise to myself. i made Jessica promise me too. and now, she isn't going to break that. she isn't going to go back on her words she gave me. i know she won't. i trust she won't. i'll make sure she won't. i hope she won't. i won't let her...
Jessica may really be livin' in me. or maybe, just maybe, a simple excuse for my sins...
her name is Jessica. she's horribly bold, sinful. she's lost her sanity, totally. she's insane. the risk taker, fearless and has no self-boundaries. she'll explore every edge of danger on the face of earth if she could. she'd do every sin too, if she could. she rides with the devil through the burning flames of hell. she chuckles with him at the face of a challenge. she is his best friend... she lives in me.
i used to call her Inner Bitch. i never knew her name. i only knew her for what she did. for the times she pushed Min Jun aside and demanded for the control of this body, to commit her crimes and sins. i knew her for how she would appear in the face of danger. she would console me when i felt uncapable. she would show me the way things should be done, her way. she would do them for me, and i'd watch. well, but most of the time, it was her watching me live...
and although i admire her at times for the courage and confidence she carries, those of which i at times lack, i know she's dangerous. i always knew, and i dislike that of her. she does too much, and never listens, in the least, to me. she does what she wants, pushes me aside, and then expects me to admire her work after everything, when everything becomes reverssivle, and all i can afford to do is gasp in horror.
Jessica had her fun again yesterday. 9th of January 2007. won't forget the day and what happened. Jessica did the unbelievable... she did her sin, while i stood by the side watching, protesting. she couldn't care less. she did her job and then pushed me back into the world to play my role of living. i could hear her laughing inside me with content. while i cried in regret and guilt for the sin she did...
i was angry at her. i almost had enough when she whispered 'it ain't all that bad eh'. and i looked back and thought, maybe not... Jessica may be influencing me. slowly. but i made a promise to myself. i made Jessica promise me too. and now, she isn't going to break that. she isn't going to go back on her words she gave me. i know she won't. i trust she won't. i'll make sure she won't. i hope she won't. i won't let her...
Jessica may really be livin' in me. or maybe, just maybe, a simple excuse for my sins...
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
'i want to scream scream scream'.
i have no idea how to describe how i feel now. i want to scream and scream and scream till i drop dead on the floor. yes, i'd like that. but thinking of screaming now, i don't even know if the scream will come out a scream of happiness or frustration or mere agony =X i need a friend i can trust. i need her/him by my side now... the problem is: i don't have one i trust enough ): i'm horrible. tell me.
i've got math homework to do ): boo hoo. i don't want! but no choice... blah =X i'm starting to really despise school. i just dread leaving the house in the morning and knowing that school is the place i'm leaving for. and the best part is that it has only been 5 days now. i don't know how i'm gonna last anymore... argh. i'm going mad. Yan Tze was right the other day when she warned me to not 'lose it' =X she's right. i can't help it but say that.
my heart, in the least my mind, can't figure out the expression i should be carrying on my face now. i feel lost in sheer confusion... my emotions are so dead they haven't figured what to do.
blah. i know this is getting more depressing... but i need a channel for these thoughts. so excuse me.
oh yes, i read this book called Crank. if only i could write just like the author. she writes so well... it's amazing she's even human. i'm amazed. stunned. whatever =X she write so beautifully, you wonder if her plan was to make you go crazy and immerse yourself so deeply into the book you become someone else totally. ha.
i guess it wasn't just my thoughts...
i still need to scream scream scream.
i have no idea how to describe how i feel now. i want to scream and scream and scream till i drop dead on the floor. yes, i'd like that. but thinking of screaming now, i don't even know if the scream will come out a scream of happiness or frustration or mere agony =X i need a friend i can trust. i need her/him by my side now... the problem is: i don't have one i trust enough ): i'm horrible. tell me.
i've got math homework to do ): boo hoo. i don't want! but no choice... blah =X i'm starting to really despise school. i just dread leaving the house in the morning and knowing that school is the place i'm leaving for. and the best part is that it has only been 5 days now. i don't know how i'm gonna last anymore... argh. i'm going mad. Yan Tze was right the other day when she warned me to not 'lose it' =X she's right. i can't help it but say that.
my heart, in the least my mind, can't figure out the expression i should be carrying on my face now. i feel lost in sheer confusion... my emotions are so dead they haven't figured what to do.
blah. i know this is getting more depressing... but i need a channel for these thoughts. so excuse me.
oh yes, i read this book called Crank. if only i could write just like the author. she writes so well... it's amazing she's even human. i'm amazed. stunned. whatever =X she write so beautifully, you wonder if her plan was to make you go crazy and immerse yourself so deeply into the book you become someone else totally. ha.
i guess it wasn't just my thoughts...
i still need to scream scream scream.
Monday, January 08, 2007
'1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8'.
oh gosh. March Beyond The Critical Point cannot get out off my head! blah =X it's stuck stuck stuck in my mind. and it repeats and repeats. so irritating. haha. my legs hurt too! from the formation and all the marching and stuff... and my left arm and my left hip. ha. the eupho is damn heavy when you march with is ): gosh. i don't like the eupho so much no more (x hehe... no way. i take back my words! eupho, i love (:
haha. we had history today! Mr Yong is so erm... metrosexual =X nicest way i could find to put it. haha! he's humourous and all but lessons was still boring. boo ): oh and we had english after. geez. -shudders- Carmina and i weren't paying attention right. blah. but you can't really blame us really, things were distracting =X haha. we were bored okay. don't give me that look! hehe xD
oh. chinese was, as usual, boring. but... haha. what's new? (x and then, math! OMG. i so miss Mdm Hee SO MUCH! aha. Mrs Ang is... different, let's just say. she's so... i have no word for it! eeyer. i think she's still suffering from post natal blues =X haha. heard she gave birth to triplets... LOL. when dawn was telling me that alvin exclaimed: "wah! her *toot* so big ar?". Alvin... tsk tsk (x damn obscene lah.
haha. yeah. that's about all. oh yeah! Mrs Dan wasn't here today! haha. Science and CME period free free free! =D haha. had so much fun reading. i LOVE reading! (: makes me feel so invisible and alone in my own private space, my own world. makes me feel good, at time =D
ahhh. i'm having tuition on wednesday. math tuition ): after band and formation and all! sob sob. i hate sec2 life and all the busy thingies xP haha. nvm nvm! =D i'll work hard for the people who love me and of course MYSELF! xD
ooh. rather long post here. haha. whatever it is, here's the lyrics to a nice song (:
Adrienne by The Calling:
I've been thinking about you, my love
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming around, throwing it back to you
Were you thinking of me, when you kissed him
Could you taste me when you licked his skin
And all the while I showered you with trust and promises
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you
CHORUS
Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up
You spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh, when I see you walking with some other guy
'Cause I know you are gonna end up all alone
So take these words, some good advice
All you've done's gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt, I really need to tell you
CHORUS
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all that I had to give, but I could never reach you
CHORUS
blah. the small font isn't working! so i shall use italics (: haha. i like that song =D nice nice. but very sad (x hehe. oh yeah! have the english thing to do! i'm supposed to do a 'soundtrack of my life'. put my windows media of itunes to shuffle and play it at random to answer the categories. haha. in my life, unlike other's, i added the categories 'affair' and 'divorce' (: haha. and i re-arranged it so that 'life's good' came after 'falling in love' but 'breaking up' follows to ): haha =D oh well. it's been a long post! (: bye.
i love the way you tend to slip into my thoughts every now and then (:
oh gosh. March Beyond The Critical Point cannot get out off my head! blah =X it's stuck stuck stuck in my mind. and it repeats and repeats. so irritating. haha. my legs hurt too! from the formation and all the marching and stuff... and my left arm and my left hip. ha. the eupho is damn heavy when you march with is ): gosh. i don't like the eupho so much no more (x hehe... no way. i take back my words! eupho, i love (:
haha. we had history today! Mr Yong is so erm... metrosexual =X nicest way i could find to put it. haha! he's humourous and all but lessons was still boring. boo ): oh and we had english after. geez. -shudders- Carmina and i weren't paying attention right. blah. but you can't really blame us really, things were distracting =X haha. we were bored okay. don't give me that look! hehe xD
oh. chinese was, as usual, boring. but... haha. what's new? (x and then, math! OMG. i so miss Mdm Hee SO MUCH! aha. Mrs Ang is... different, let's just say. she's so... i have no word for it! eeyer. i think she's still suffering from post natal blues =X haha. heard she gave birth to triplets... LOL. when dawn was telling me that alvin exclaimed: "wah! her *toot* so big ar?". Alvin... tsk tsk (x damn obscene lah.
haha. yeah. that's about all. oh yeah! Mrs Dan wasn't here today! haha. Science and CME period free free free! =D haha. had so much fun reading. i LOVE reading! (: makes me feel so invisible and alone in my own private space, my own world. makes me feel good, at time =D
ahhh. i'm having tuition on wednesday. math tuition ): after band and formation and all! sob sob. i hate sec2 life and all the busy thingies xP haha. nvm nvm! =D i'll work hard for the people who love me and of course MYSELF! xD
ooh. rather long post here. haha. whatever it is, here's the lyrics to a nice song (:
Adrienne by The Calling:
I've been thinking about you, my love
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming around, throwing it back to you
Were you thinking of me, when you kissed him
Could you taste me when you licked his skin
And all the while I showered you with trust and promises
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you
CHORUS
Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up
You spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh, when I see you walking with some other guy
'Cause I know you are gonna end up all alone
So take these words, some good advice
All you've done's gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt, I really need to tell you
CHORUS
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all that I had to give, but I could never reach you
CHORUS
blah. the small font isn't working! so i shall use italics (: haha. i like that song =D nice nice. but very sad (x hehe. oh yeah! have the english thing to do! i'm supposed to do a 'soundtrack of my life'. put my windows media of itunes to shuffle and play it at random to answer the categories. haha. in my life, unlike other's, i added the categories 'affair' and 'divorce' (: haha. and i re-arranged it so that 'life's good' came after 'falling in love' but 'breaking up' follows to ): haha =D oh well. it's been a long post! (: bye.
i love the way you tend to slip into my thoughts every now and then (:
Saturday, January 06, 2007
'only now'.
haha. my family came back from the movies and brought Muthu's Curry back for dinner. fish head curry (: haha. it tastes different from the last time i ate it. it taste like less spices added and more watery and all. i don't like =X i prefer it last time. oh well =D ain't that bad though...
oh! and i'm growing fat! i lost 1.5kg already from two days ago. but still fat! the ponch is still in existence xD haha. my gross tummy. i hate it -poke poke- hehe =X even Geraldine agreed i'm growing fat! and joshua, and yan tze and... oh and jinjun. ahhh.
hehe. what'd you say if you saw how fat i've grown into? =P i should lose weight soon. i know it. i hear the voices in my head telling me too! haha. anyway, just a few minutes ago, i had an urge to call him -hey! i was bored. spare me.- i did. and i obviously disturbed him : i feel so so so sorry. SORRY! =X i didn't know you were busy. hehe. i feel awful but i guess there's nothing i can do. sorry again anyway (:
Missing You by Backstreet Boys:
Chorus
Oh baby Im missing you
We used the love so strong
Tell me where do we go
Oh baby Im missing you
They said I'd to forget but it sure ain't happen yet
Been checkin' all the places that we used to go
Been lookin' for your face inside the crowd
I've been talkin' to the people what we used to know
Nobody wants to say where you're right now
And when I call your phone
Seems like you're never ever home
And you dont return my calls
It tears me apart
This is breakin' up my heart
Chorus
I still have your pictures hung around my home
That's the only thing that is left of you with me
Girl what can I do to make you come back soon
And make it just the way it used to be
Oh, this is someone new
Can never go on without you
Girl I don't want to think about it
I can't sleep at night I know that can't be right
Come back into my life
(Come back baby come back)
Chorus
I know there's a chance for you and I
And I believe there's no way our love could die
So no matter how long it takes I'll wait for you
And what ever it takes I'll be there for you
I'll be there, I'll be there
Chorus ( 2X )
i think the song is so nice! but on the other hand, i think the guy is slightly obsessed. haha. the way he hangs photos of her around his house. URGH.... EEE! the more i think about it. the more it seems to me like he is a POTENTIAL STALKER! =D haha.
haha. my family came back from the movies and brought Muthu's Curry back for dinner. fish head curry (: haha. it tastes different from the last time i ate it. it taste like less spices added and more watery and all. i don't like =X i prefer it last time. oh well =D ain't that bad though...
oh! and i'm growing fat! i lost 1.5kg already from two days ago. but still fat! the ponch is still in existence xD haha. my gross tummy. i hate it -poke poke- hehe =X even Geraldine agreed i'm growing fat! and joshua, and yan tze and... oh and jinjun. ahhh.
hehe. what'd you say if you saw how fat i've grown into? =P i should lose weight soon. i know it. i hear the voices in my head telling me too! haha. anyway, just a few minutes ago, i had an urge to call him -hey! i was bored. spare me.- i did. and i obviously disturbed him : i feel so so so sorry. SORRY! =X i didn't know you were busy. hehe. i feel awful but i guess there's nothing i can do. sorry again anyway (:
Missing You by Backstreet Boys:
Chorus
Oh baby Im missing you
We used the love so strong
Tell me where do we go
Oh baby Im missing you
They said I'd to forget but it sure ain't happen yet
Been checkin' all the places that we used to go
Been lookin' for your face inside the crowd
I've been talkin' to the people what we used to know
Nobody wants to say where you're right now
And when I call your phone
Seems like you're never ever home
And you dont return my calls
It tears me apart
This is breakin' up my heart
Chorus
I still have your pictures hung around my home
That's the only thing that is left of you with me
Girl what can I do to make you come back soon
And make it just the way it used to be
Oh, this is someone new
Can never go on without you
Girl I don't want to think about it
I can't sleep at night I know that can't be right
Come back into my life
(Come back baby come back)
Chorus
I know there's a chance for you and I
And I believe there's no way our love could die
So no matter how long it takes I'll wait for you
And what ever it takes I'll be there for you
I'll be there, I'll be there
Chorus ( 2X )
i think the song is so nice! but on the other hand, i think the guy is slightly obsessed. haha. the way he hangs photos of her around his house. URGH.... EEE! the more i think about it. the more it seems to me like he is a POTENTIAL STALKER! =D haha.
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