'supposedly sick'.

look at the time. it's 11+ and i'm home. yes, i'm sick. i'm absent from school... i woke up a minute late this morning. and i felt cold and my head felt heavy. my eyes hurt damn bad. they were probably swollen. and i was sweating. cold sweat actually. i wished i didn't have to wake up from my dream. if only i could go on living in that dimension where everything, then, was perfect... then.

oh yes, this post is gonna be all about self-pity. me, wallowing in self-pity actually. so yeah, you can like close this window now if you like...

i was watching The Wedding Date again. it was only a few weeks ago that i last did. but the feeling i'm getting from watching it again is... somehow, different. i couldn't go on watching. i felt deprived of everything, including my life. i reached out and turned of the tv screen when it came to the sex scene. i felt nauseous. no, not because of the sex scene. but i just did... have been. like full-time. gosh. i'm sick of this.

joshua called me last night. i kinda missed his call though. so i called him back. he spare me around 11 minutes on the phone. i felt a whole lot better after putting down... i felt cared for. okay, i always feel like that when i put down the phone on nice people (: but the fact that i hadn't talked to this army senior/friend/shrink properly for a rather long time. and the fact he still seemed to genuinely care, i felt blessed. slightly. in a long time, yes, i did.

and then i also felt sorry. he seemed worried. and angry and... i don't know. i started thinking about Yan and how angry she was. i don't know lah. they make it sound so easy and it makes me wonder if they're true about all the things they say. maybe i'm just a sucker. one big fat bloody sucker who can't do anything right for nuts... yeah. maybe.

i can't eat. i feel sick just putting something into my mouth. i can't breathe. i have to keep forcing myself to gasp for air every now and then. i don't want to, honestly, but i don't want to let anyone down anymore. i can't think. i keep pressing myself to look at something and concentrate on it instead of dazing in my blank mind. i can't sleep. i lay awake on my bed, staring at the ceiling. my minds full of thoughts, i just can't read them. so it appears like a totally mass blank to me, at least that's the way i'd like to think it of... it feels better that way. i can't talk. the only thing that comes out of my mouth is something i probably repeated a thousand times: a lie.

yes, so i lie. i bloody lied. and still do. to myself and to people around me, even those i love and care about. even those who mean the world to me. i lie to. cause i can't put my words out right anymore... this is my confession. and sometimes, due to the countless lies i spill everyday, i start lying to myself to. i live a lie. because i figure to that, i'm probably not the only human lying in this world. and i wouldn't know if everyone i know is lying. well, i know some people i know do. so i could might as well be just living a whole lie my whole life and not know it...

at least it's good to know that the past few weeks have been a lie...

i never knew i could be so affected. i never knew i could cry so hard... cause suddenly, i feel so lost. even with everyone standing by me. or trying to. i reach out and feel a thousand hands grab for me, and i follow them. but yet, i still can't see. i just follow blindly. i wait for someone to take of this blindfold, to turn on the lights. i wait wait wait. sheesh. everything's still dark. why? god, nevermind, i'll jsut go on waiting... afterall, what can i do?

even just one god damned picture could... kill me. someone, yes, kill me. i'd rather it that way.

my head hurts now, again. worse than this morning. argh.

i lied. and thats why i'm this way. i lied about it. what i told you was a lie so now i say: give me back my life please. you took it away, so don't make anymore excuses. i want it back. and then right after giving me back everything, i beg for you to disappear from my memory. take every goddamned memory out of my head. every sighting of you out of my head. i don't want to know you anymore. just disappear away away away. i don't have to know you... life, i'm convinced, would have been better that way. i'm actually sure that it was meant to BE that way. and you just, just had to make a fool out of me. my life. and distrupt everything else...

How Can I Not Love You by Joy Enriquez:

Cannot touch, cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
Must be strong
And we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel
Must pretend it's over
Must be brave
And we must go on
Must not say what we've known all along

[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you

Must be brave
And we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along

[chorus]
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How do I not love you...
When you are gone