'sometimes i wonder...'

sometimes, i wonder i why i blog. maybe to release all these bottled up emotions in me, to bitch about things, hoping no one would realise who i really am or what i think. foolish but still... but how ironic it is when i open my archives and re-read everything i once wrote. posts of such childishness and insensitivity. amusing how something that was suppose to do good, or thought to have, just did the otherwise. just made me despise myself more than i already do...

sometimes, i wonder why i do what i do. i wonder why i let myself do the stupid... the foolish. the things one would not do if put under thought. i wonder why i let myself lose control of who i am, and let myself go astray. i wonder why i can't just hang on like everyone else... i do things i regret. things of bad consequences. countless things. some play a huge role in life, my life. some don't... but adding everything together still gravely affects the world i live in doesn't it?

sometimes, i wonder why things happen. good and bad. why do they happen? is someone out there depicting everything that happens? depicting what we are supposed to learn from our wrong doings. the lessons. of lies, deception and oh gosh, so many more... is there a right lesson to learn? i wonder if there are things that seemingly turn out bad but would actually be the best of the best if turned over and looked at in another perspective...

okay. shall stop there about what i wonder about... i finished Cranked. a book. about a girl who discovers someone different in her. her name is Kristina. the girl in her is Bree. Bree is the exact opposite of Kristina... and because of Bree, Kristina has to succum to drugs and sex. Bree then gets raped, loses her virginity to a guy who she flirted with. she runs to her boyfriend, Chase, and falls deeper into love with him. six weeks after the rape though, she realises she's pregnant. with a child, not Chase's. she keeps strong and gives birth to the child at the age of 17 and tries to get over her drug addictions...

something about the way Bree acts and behaves, thinks and talks, reminds me exact of myself. reading the book made me nauseous a lot... but couldn't put it down. i had to go on reading. i had to see if Bree ended up good... of course, though, my life ain't as screwed up as Bree. thank god for that... or at least i think it ain't as screwed up.

oh yeah. i finished the book in a day! (:

"My Name's Jessica", written today by your's truly:

she whispers my name,
i shake with fear
she wants to play her game,
i know so clear

and as i watch her do her sins,
i tremble, shake and start to cringe
she laughs and screams in so much joy
what is this, another ploy?

she thinks of this as just a game,
i'm asked to join, i don't wanna play
i look, then stare with utmost shame
she shrugs, and sighs, then turns away

she's tired and has had her fun
now, she turns and starts to run
she leaves me here to stand up for her crime,
the fear and disgust goes up my spine

i want to stare at her work in awe,
but the squeeze in my stomach is far too strong
the hatred in me just wants to saw
at her, piece by piece, thick and long

from behind, she returns
i can feel my whole face burn
i turn around, she makes no sound
and as i look, there were things i found:

her face, her face, is so so queer
her eyes, her eyes are oh so green
there is something so familiar,
and when realised, i can't help but scream

oh yes, it is myself i am looking at
am i sure? not just yet
who is she? i had to ask
i want and needed an answer fast

"Jessica", she claims to be
i find it difficult to believe,
"Why exactly do you look like me?"
she laughs and grins as though relieved

her reply, i need to hear
this feeling, i wonder, if it is fear
i dread her words, but what can i do?---
"My dear, i live in you."

i think i'm almost infatuated with Jessica. this girl i just got to know in me...