'dreaming ended'.

i finally found a right state of mind to, i hope, put everything down in words. words of my view of things. in a decent manner, for once. so here i go:

my dream had ended. finally. i knew it would, sooner or later. and yes, i always dreaded the day it would end but i didn't want to go on dreaming because i knew there will come a day when i'd have to wake up to reality. i didn't want to grow more attached to my dream and lose more touch of reality. i didn't want to wake up in a daze and so deep in sorrow, i lose the capability to go on living... so here i am. awake and almost hating living in reality.

there was a month of time when everything seemed almost, close to perfect. almost. everyday had something to look forward to. there was a reason for the smile i carried on my face, and everyone around me knew. and i was proud of the way my life was. i was proud of having someone to share it with. i was happy in, well, almost everyway... and i loved everytime i got off my bed and stood on my feet. i couldn't wait for morning. i looked forward every single bloody day! believe it or not... it was a once in a lifetime thing, for me, then. well, for a simple reason: i had you in my life.

i had a drive to do almost everything and anything. i looked to you as an inspiration, a motivation. well, whether i was kidding myself or not, i'd like to believe i wasn't, i always felt as thoughh you were behind me. you were there for me... were. and it felt so good to be loved. everything in my world was in full colours. bright colours. beautiful and sparkling. everything was bright and... amazing. and gosh would i kill to bring back the time and live it all over again. maybe if i was given a chance, i would, definitely, have appreciated everything so so much more...

but of course, my dream detoriated. slowly. everything slowly lost it's spark, it's colour. i'd like to believe i wasn't getting bored... i'd like to believe it was just the way things were supposed to be. i mean, all things do end don't they?... and so, everything slowly lost colour. everything became dark. lost its light, its brightness. everything was dull, in shades of black and white. i had tried getting used to it. i tried, really hard, my best. i tried. but it was like something so important was taken from me... it was like taking away the ability to hear from Beethoven. it was just like that, or worse...

so i had to let go of all the memories of colours. the beauty, the impact, the wonderment it still left behind on me... everytime i looked into my mind hard enough, i could almost still remember how colour was before black and white. but how long can one go on kidding oneself? not very. it wouldn't be right anyway, living in a lie...

so i lost my grip. i loosened it. and the last bit of colour slipped out of my clenched fist. it vanished into the dullness around me. that was it - the end. i couldn't help but let a little tear crawl down my cheek. the pain in me was trobbing at my dead heart. it had died together with everything around me... well, there was nothing else i could do. living in this dull world, i know, i just know, that one day there will be someone, who would come and turn my whole world around. add colour into everything again. maybe not as bright again, maybe not as beautiful, or maybe better... i wouldn't know. i wouldn't even know when the person might arrive again.

till then, i'll try everyway, of my own to set this world of mine on flame again, with colours. it'll shine. i know there's a way... i just need time to find it. and i will. i know i will... at least i hope i will.

still, no matter how positive i try to look at life, i miss the way everything used to shine. i still do. very much indeed.