'i'm sorry i ran away, it was all i could do'.

you might think i was just being a bitch, and you might think that i'm insensitive and ungrateful. perhaps i am, perhaps i am the bitch you think i am, and perhaps i'm a horrid person, incapable of appreciating all you have done. well, there's more to that. there's my side...

i do appreciate all you have done. or all the good you have done for me, being there as a friend in times when i was really upset, helping me get up on my feet again. and i'm thankful, i am. but i have been hurt by your insensitivity, a countless number of times. and i guess, i've recently realised - it's about time i walk away, and stop putting myself through more.

i was afraid, i was scared. and that's my reason, whether you believe it or not. i was so tempted to throw my arms around you, smile and say that i've missed you. hello! it's been such a long time, how are you? but i didn't want to, because i shouldn't, it's something i know. so, just as a way of stopping myself from doing so, i had to turn away, pretending you weren't worth my acknowledgement.

well, you probably wouldn't be reading this, but just so you do - i'm sorry, it's something i had to do. i hope you'll forgive me, soon enough...


i complete White Oleander today. wonderful book, but quite disturbing. it just tears you down from the inside, the pity that you feel for each characters. gosh, it can kill. it's quite emotionally bearing to read the book, so be prepared when you do. here's something i found interesting:

'You ask me about regret? Let me tell you a few things about regret, my darling. There is no end to it. You cannot find the beginning of the chain that brought us from there to here. Should you regret the whole chain, and the air in between, or each link separately, as if you would uncouple them? Do you regret the beginning which ended so badly, or the ending itself? I've given more thought to this question than you can begin to imagine.'

i liked it because it's so sick, it's so sad. it's sad, but yet true. and it really isn't anything else but the truth.