'today's the forth'.

just give me that one chance. that one little bit of capability. that one little bit of freedom. gosh, someone, help me. i'm clinging on to something intangible. i can't see it, no one can, but i feel it and i remember how it felt when i still held it here, in my hands, like no one else can comprehend. my grip is on an invisible nothing. please, someone, anyone, pry my fingers open. i need the help. bad.

i want to leave. i want to just forget and let go, leaving everything behind. but i feel stuck. frozen. i almost feel as though i had given have of myself to something that has left, and might never return. half of me gone, just like that. so i stand here and wait to be refilled. why?

i'm feel empty. i feeling different. i feel disgusted at myself for wallowing in bloody self pity everyday. but why do i not find a way to get out of it? why can't i find a way?... why do i let myself break, everyday? why do i fall everyday? why does my insides turn out and why do i ache from within? where does this horrid stinging pain come from? i want to know. i want everything to disappear... i want to be the me i used to be. the me i was three years ago... even the me i was three months ago would be good enough.

today's the 4th of february. something about the date isn't making me all that happy either...