'tell me why'.

gosh. feeling really down, really depressed and really easily irritated. i've been like locked home the whole damned day. and it kinda gets me all cranky. i'm purely irritated now and only my closer friends seem to be able to cheer me up.

i wanna go back to east coast to cycle... it's like became a craving of some sort.

gosh. mister shrink, why are you stuck in camp?

'not only minjun, but everyone else'.

i'd kill anyone who'd walk my path now. i'm really irritated. and i'm missing a whole huge list of people...

something's missing. and i don't know what.

'i killed minjun'.

debate! (: we won won won won won marist stella! -i have no idea if i spelt their school name right- anyhow, we won! congrats erica babe for winning best speaker too yeah =D minyi you did well nevertheless! ahh. i totally screwed up but i'll try harder the next round... thanks everyone for support. and teacher, thanks for all the teachings (x


if my memory can fail me so well, does it only make me? am i alone in this state? why won't you just do the same?

erase every evidence, erase every memory, erase every thought and every word i've once said. do me that little favour, and i'll do just the same, i'll erase every tear thats running down my face.

god, i killed minjun.

'work's keeping me filled up'.

for once i see the pros in homework. it's keeping my mind really really occupied, leaving me very little time to think of any redundant things. saves me in almost every way, yes, emotionally mostly... but gosh does it too leave me horribly dead, fatigue, tired, shagged.

i'm just done with my debating script, first speaker script. it's like the first time i've written my own script though, most of the time i adapt from someone else's script. now, it's like purely mine, adapted from jonathan's teachings thats all. hope he doesn't kill me for 'just copying and pasting his words'. oh well (:

part of the lyrics from Don't Love You No More by Craig David:

That’s when you turned and said to me
I don’t care babe who’s right or wrong
I just don’t love you no more

oh god. i'm supposed to be 'filled up' with work, yes. but still, i can't seem to push your words out of my head. the words that broke me, or that small little bit of me...

That’s when you turned and said to me
I don't know if i really love you
or if it was infatuation all along

how can i forgive you?

'when it all falls apart. when it all fell apart actually'.

everything has gone so wrong. not the way i planned, not the way i would ever plan. everything seemed right for a moment. a moment. nothing in my world that looks right, stays right. nothing. ever. sadly... it just makes me wonder why i'm not yet familiar with the feeling of disappointment. occurring yet again and again.

got to love this song by Avril Lavigne, Girlfriend. really catchy. you guys should check out the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ25-glGRzI

sorry. the code for the embed didn't work. oh well. have fun watching the video people. Avril Lavigne's new single is amusingly entertaining... ha.

oh yeah. and a one more nice lyrics of the recent song that played on my mp3. those of which i might have posted before...

Collide by Howie Day:

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

oh yeah. and Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson:

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I’m barely hanging on

[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, yet so broken up inside

Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore
Anymore

[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

When It All Falls Apart by The Veronicas:

I'm having the day from hell
It was all going so well
Before you came
And you told me you needed space
With a kiss on the side my face
Not again

And not to mention
The tears I shed
I shoulda kicked your
Ass instead

I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream
Cause baby

(Chorus)
Everything is f'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me, what do you do when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up, where do I start
Cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
No, ohh

Don't know where I parked my car
Don't know who my real friends are
Anymore
I put my faith in you
What a stupid thing to do
When it rains it pours

And not to mention
I drank too much
I'm feelin' hungover
Out of touch
I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream

Cause baby

Chorus

Can't it be easier?
Can't I just change my life?
Cause it just seems to go bad every time
Will I be mending
Another one ending once again

Chorus x2

Gotta pick myself up
Cuz baby I'm f'ed up

Chorus

love these songs... kinda, i don't know, relate perhaps. and yeah, i definitely have to pick myself up. ha. since it's already all fallen apart.

'self denial'.

if there was a biggest mistake i've commited this year it would have been returning to east coast the other day.

i need to get out of this shit.

'we got into the quaterfinals'.

YES! =D Anderson debate team got into the quaterfinals. ha. yay us! we did anderson proud (: the top 8 schools in a total number of 48 - biggest division in the Julia Gabriel's Singapore Schools Debating Championships! and we may not have been The Best but we still got in and we're 7th place! (:

yes, the competition's on friday. yes, the motion's out tomorrow. yes, we're beginner's. but no, we're not giving up. and no, we're definitely not going to work hard. we are going to work our asses out and we are gonna try our best to get through this round and proceed to the semi-finals! jia you people XD

anyway, i went out with Yan Tze and Yan Tin - my cousins, yesterday, to east coast. had fun alright. haha. we cycled all the way to the end of the stretch of beach and went to my favourite spot, still - 28. ha. so maybe it wasn't as deserted as it is on weekdays but still it was nice and quiet...

haha. thanks, you sweet people for inviting me anyway (: hope you guys enjoyed yourselves too. love ya!

'we won the debate!'.

we won won won again! (: Minyi, Erica and i trashed ngee ann! ha. minyi rocked as the best speaker. she totally brought the house down in laughter. the judges were totally entertained by her from what i could see... the male judge had a totally smitten expression on his face and everytime minyi would stand to speak his face turned red. why so? beats me too eh. lol.

oh well. well done my fellow debators! (: thanks carmina, eugene and ryofred for the support =D and of course to our ever so lovely teachers! without you guys we wouldn't even be in the competition. and for all the encouraging words, thank you so so much! ha.

for now, all we can do is anticipate the results...

'thank you'.

it's been three days. i've never felt so great in a long while... everything has just fallen so beautifully into place. everything has begun to make sense to me. everything happening around me that is. and i am absolute thankful for those who have stood by me all these days, months, years... haha. forever. thank you everyone (:

for once i feel lighter. i once again can walk with a slight skip in my steps. i breathe, i live. i feel different... in almost everyway. and i'm thankful, once again, i repeat.

I've been thinking about you, my love
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming around, throwing it back to you
Were you thinking of me, when you kissed him
Could you taste me when you licked his skin
And all the while I showered you with trust and promises
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you

CHORUS
Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up
You spent my money, drove my car

I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh, when I see you walking with some other guy
'Cause I know you are gonna end up all alone
So take these words, some good advice
All you've done's gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt, I really need to tell you

CHORUS

What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all that I had to give, but I could never reach you

CHORUS

what goes around, comes around my dear. it'll come your day when you'll live the nightmare you created for me.

'so much to do, so little time'.

okay. maybe not so much but pretty much an amount. let's see, i have math trail to complete for my group, math worksheet assignment 11, the fractional worksheet thing, chinese file, busstop research, install iTunes... ahh. should be about all. sounds convincing enough an amount? well, try to do consider that it's the first day of school too eh.

still damn shagged. school's the last place i want to go...

the one place i long so much to run to and seek solace in is close, out of bounds, unpermitted to me. i've been locked out, thrown out. whatever the describtion of word, it still is the same. i have no way to get there...

'i so need a break'.

my minds tired out. my head hurts, practically full-time. i have to force myself to keep awake every damned day. i'm feeling utterly shagged. gosh, give me a break. please. let me fly away. just let me fly away, far far away, to the moon, if it takes.

i'd kill myself anytime now. really.

someday we'll know why i wasn't mean for you... so they say.

'all over again'.

i've never felt this way for such a long time. but now, the familiarity is flooding all back again. the darkness, the fear, the pain and yes, the hurt... it's stabbing me like a psychotic killer. it's killing me like i'm a chicken for the table. the nauseating knot in my stomach is making me sick, the sharp and throbbing hurt in my chest is making me cry, with no tears but on the inside...

everything looked alright. i felt myself move one foot in front of the other. even if it only meant an inch, still, i almost moved. and like a bullet shooting straight through me, letting me fall back a few steps, your words killed me from the inside. it made me fall all over again like i was a non-living object, a doll without feelings or a soul. well, as unfortunate as it may seem, i do have a soul and i do have feelings too... and they just happen to be the reasons why my knees feel bruised and my chest feels empty. it's the same vertical ruote down i've been travelling... i'm tired, i swear i am.

a lot of people maybe not understand but its a feeling of something so dear being taken away so suddenly that i just find difficultly living with, that bitter aftertaste. like this gust of happiness was thrown to me, i caught it, i enjoyed it. and some sick person came along, and in a snap of his fingers, everyting poof was taken away. even the one thing that brought me so much happiness itself, was taken away. not one bit of joy left for me to keep, not one bit of tangible memory. just that of which i guard so dear in me, that of which i keep in my heart and pray will never be taken...

i just wonder if falling from great heights would give me as much pain as i feel now i doubt it would if i don't manage to live...

'could i just stay, please'.

it was right before me, there. i know it wasn't real, it was a bloody dream for god's sake. but i could wish, i mean it ain't a crime wishing is it? but well, i couldn't go on denying what seemed and probably is reality. it's like a kid clinging on to my arm, begging me for a lollipop... it's just there and i face to face it. i know it.

Yan Tze came over just now (: haha. it was utterly amusing because she took about 2 hours to get here, due to the sad fact that she couldn't tell bishan and toa payoh apart. ha. yeah, long story short, she got lost (x oh well, we went jogging. and i love her being here =D yes, i love her too!

no, i didn't forget mr lim's words. i just feel it doesn't apply at all... or maybe jsut slightly.

'recover from nothing at all'.

the escalator went up. so did they.
i like dark and
empty places.

what?

twisted words. repeated lies.
oh, okay
actually, i like anywhere where there's you.

why?

never learnt. continuing to deceive.
no, really
i love you.

who?


empty words that held no meaning, held no sincerity. nil, zero, dead. they repeat though, over and over, in my head. god knows why.

like i've said, maybe if i kept myself away, shut all these thoughts and memories into a small small box and hid it far from anyone's touch, maybe it'll stay the same for ever, maybe they wouldn't change... it'll just stay my little secret, my own little bit of joy. my only own little bit of joy actually

'not yet asleep'.

it's late. i know, and yes, to think we had a talk about sleeping early with our dear ex-recruit officers and mr leow. haha. but whatever -.- i can't sleep. not now. i'm not in the mood to... though my eyes hurt.

i know if i just close my eyes, a lot of things i don't wanna recall will just come back, flooding into my head. and somehow, as usual, they always have a way of keeping my eye lids glued to each other, shut. despite... my existent objections.

i like random words. they help me express things i don't have the guts to write out in whole thick blocked sentences. and i just freely use random words and put them together, somehow letting them come together and make sense... and well, maybe, just maybe, only those who really know me would understand. or at least have a higher possibility of doing so.

'linked'.

stripes.
brown.
addidas.
jacket.
blue.
bra.
black.
shirt.
belt.
esplanade.
sunset.
eastcoast.
pasir ris.
beach.
cycling.
chalet.
alumni.
piggy-back.
subway.
sandwich.
words.
slippers.
bare-footed.
carl's jr.
burger.
fat.
poke.
finger.
avril lavigne.
christina aguilera.
mistaken.
miss.
stockings.
art class.
exhibition.
blank.
bimbo.
laughter.
fun.
taxi.
melt.
smile.
time.
yearn.
denial.
joshua.
army.
shrink.
emotions.
sadness.
phonecalls.
tears.
realisation.
hurt.
painting.
knife.
splash.
blotches.
drip.
paint.
red.
love.
you.
missing.
gone.
want.
long.
unforgettable.

random words that pop into my mind. words that activate the memories and emotions in me like little time bombs, lined up next to each other. bom bom bom! they explode, the effect so fatal and the damage, it causes so much pain.

let the smoke past...

'just let go off me'.

everything happens so suddenly. like wham! reality just comes and surprises you by whacking your face flat all over again. letting me relive the stinging pain on my cheek. letting me relive the throbbing head. letting me feel my stomach knot up all over again, my chest stiffening, leaving me to just gasp for air...

these are reasons that keep me awake every night. reasons that leave the dark buldges under my dreary eyes. reasons to my unenergetic face and dead reactions... reasons that i wish would just go away, leave me to live. for once.

oh yes. thanks miss lee =D thanks Rae and Yan Tze too (x somehow, not to my knowing why, the things that a few particular people say just brighten up my day. and yes, they never fail to be horribly sweet to me... so yes, thank you people.

i want to sleep. i need to. i need the rest, the time to let myself recuperate from the day, or try to... but i'm afraid. for when my eyes are closed, sometimes, the darkest and scariest things that live in me come out to play. they hold me in so tight, and no matter how i scream or struggle they wouldn't budge, in this world known as - dreams.

Here With Me by Dido:

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory

Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

I don't want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been

alright, i shall try again and face up to what i have to: i'm going to sleep.

'missed it'.

alarm clocks. they were made for one purpose - to awaken those in deep sleep, to avoid them from going out of their planned times and being late in any way.

almost everyone, before they fall into deep sleep, would reach out and adjust their alarm clocks, be it of handphone or manual. assuming a manual clock, one would reach out and turn a few screws, get the needle moving right so that it reaches the right line, the right dot, the right point. so that the time in which the alarm would ring, would be precisely correct, so as to avoid any lateness.

well, many a time, not to our wanting, these clocks somehow go out of plan and choose not to ring. and well, we don't really predict these happenings when they do happen. so, not to our wanting too, we spring out of bed, possibly late, and well, try to rush to our activities that we are probably late too... and if not everyone of us, at least i, would say, 'i was sure i set it right.'


today i was sitting in the passenger seat in the car as my mum drove from vivocity towards town. she was asking me how to get there and i took some time to consider the different routes before i replied, 'can go through henderson eh.' and well, by the time i did, my mum drove past the turning into henderson by 1 metre. i swear we could have made an illegal act by swerving and somehow cutting across the white line on the road and turning into henderson... but of course, we weren't the only vehicles, and vehicles, one after another, were turning in too. we didn't stand a chance but move on and find another way to reach town...

yes, we missed the turning. we really did- 'missed it,' she said.


only today when i neared takashimaya did i realise, well, i hadn't been there for a really really long time. and i tried my best to recall when or what the last time was when i was there. i thought and i thought and finally it came to me, i last went to taka to by a box or two of brownies, after band. i had my eupho in hand, my bag around me, my band tee on. and i went to town.

i recall not being alone, physically. i mean, i had company... but somehow, no matter how i really try to convince myself i did really have company, i can't help but recalling being there alone. as always have been...

'heaven has shown a little mercy, for once'.

we won won won the debate against Orchid Park! (: yes, i think our team did well. oh at least we tried our best bah... ha. i was honestly REALLY nervous but i didn't screw up all that bad at least =D i felt a lot better with all the wonderful fellow debators and supportors support. lol. thanks for all the hugs, people, which came from Carmina, MinYi, Ms Lee and Byran. yup, i just love you all. haha. and thank you abraham for lending me your hand to squeeze squeeze squeeze...

haha. i really enjoyed tonight though the nervousness has sucked the energy dry out of me... Ms Lee has a point - don't ever be dependant on another person. yup, i've learnt =D

if there was one thing that would tear me up now and tonight it would be that one figure in my life that is supposed to provide an unlimited amount of love and support in every and any case or situation. and as usual though, nothing in my life turns out the way its supposed to be... thanks mummy, you never fail to dampen my mood every day.

'lost a friend'.

i watched In Her Shoes. again. i love that show. there's this poem that is really really nice, which is used in the movie. it's about lost... it's everything i can relate to. it's about love, not just the family, relationship lost, it's more of a very important friend. it's beautiful.

i lost my title to you, i'm sure it was only a title and nothing else. you didn't spare me, or give me that little bit of face that anyone could spare. you didn't let me keep just half my title. sure could have taken away four letters, i wouldn't have been as hurt, but couldn't you just let me keep the last word, 'friend'?... i guess, i just have to stop falling and accept it once and for all huh? if that's the way you're gonna make things.

i'd expected a lot more from you. definitely... you make me feel like a phaedophile despite the fact of my age being a few years younger.

the debate is tomorrow (: may i wish luck to everyone! =D heh. teachers say i'm too monotone. ha. i'll do my best for the team, i'll really try. my sis taught me a method that i think makes me slightly more engaging - think of my mum screaming at me and respond as i normally would and should. ha (x

yup. jia you everyone! wish us luck =D

Excerpt from Bruned by Ellen Hopkins:

'The Old Pattyn
Might have seen
the events of that week
for what they were.
An Omen.
The gut-wrenching stab
of seperation, with Ethan
away for five days, was
a sign
of things to come.
But the improved Pattyn
couldn't intuit even
a whisper
of impending implosion.
Happiness, you see,
is just an illusion
of Fate,
a heavenly sleight of hand
designed to make you believe
in fairytales. But there's
no happily ever after.
You'll only find happy
endings in books.
Some books.'

ha. wonderful (: off to debate with my immaginary screaming mother and audience. bye =D

'everything'.

yes, they mean everything to me. without a doubt... and without any more doubt, i will try. i will definite work my guts or even my life out for it if it requires.

i'm tired. i have to go...

'je t'aime'.

debate. again. Abraham has a ear infection. eh mister get well soon yeah? (: and due to the unforseen circumstances, i therefore have too rehearse for first speaker. and as usual, i am freakin' out. but well, thank god it's ELC week and i have a lot more time than i would have weeks ago...

Miss Lee reads my blog and well, she happened to have questioned me about it. haha. you know what, she asked for explanations to my posts and well, really, i DO NOT KNOW, i realised.

i have so much more to write, i really do. but i decided that well, since my brother sits behind me, pressuring me to get of the computer than i only laid my hands on for the past 2 minutes, i'd rather blog later on livejournal, which isn't under the threatening eyes of my dear english teacher =D

'unnoticable amount'.

i finished readin the book Burned by Ellen Hopkins. okay, so Rae was right... i was rather unrealistic but it was horribly heartbreaking. the sumary on it was almost p-e-r-f-e-c-t: 'Ellen Hopkins takes readers on a emotional roller-coaster ride. From the highs of true love to the lows of abuse, Pattyn's story will have reasers engrossed until the very last word.'

damn. i don't deny the accuracy of the sumary man. it was damn good content and very well written. haha. i like (: and i highly recommend this book although Crank is another damn good novel by Ellen Hopkins too =D if you love reading, try both books. ha.

i ran three rounds around my neighbourhood today. i hope that meant i lost a little weight because my tummy is HUGE! =X and i'm growing really fat, and put on a horrid amount of weight. sheesh. i have to stop binging, but how? it's the only thing that makes me feel good when i'm down... but it is burning a hole in my damned pocket =X ha. okay. binging HAS TO STOP. soon. hehs.

okay i'm off. i NEED to sleep. my eyes hurrttt.

'suffocating'.

i created another blog on livejournal. hey, i was bored. haha.

okay. so yup. won't be blogging much a here anymore. i HAVE to go. i'm illegally using my dad's com. ha.

i realised there's only one thing killing me- myself.

'hello, just calling to tell you how much i miss you'.

Jessica, come back, i need your guts.
God, please, i want a miracle.

not a fabulous day. hate to elaborate. not in a great mood either...

closed shut windows
pad locked doors
tell me
what am i waiting for?

my memory is failing me.

i put down the phone on rachel last night and then put my finger on the 9-button and realised that i was going to dial a long-gone friend's number. one of which i haven't spoken to for ages... i forgot i lost that trust and friendship. i really did. and i just sat there with the phone in my hand for a really long time before i put it down... i didn't know if to laugh or cry. though i did choose one in the end...

if my memory were to disappear, please let every bit do...

'it's supposed to be easy'.

i was walking with Sharil after band yesterday. spoke to him a little bit about a lot. he makes sense, but it's easier said than done. really.

it took me one and a half weeks to accept and attempt to stand on my feet again. it took me 2 seconds to fall back to the ground. literally, two seconds. one sentence, two seconds.

i'm weak, i know it. i want to try not to be, i can't. i haven't succeeded. i just keep falling over and over again... and with everytime i do, my confidence of standing up again just lowers again by another notch. it drops drops drops. and i just break every single bloody time.

if only i could live for just 12 years and 117 days. if only so, it'll be my last day tomorrow.

god, let me have a lifespan of 12 years and 117 days. please. it's my only wish.


he said, 'so should you.'