'can i ask you a question please?'

happy teachers' day! i hope the teachers actually enjoy this day. oh and i hope you all liked our presents and cards too! (: love.


on this day, they should lock up the gates and not let alumni in. at least only let those who vow to acknowledge their juniors as they trample the school grounds. they really should, then there'd be less chaos and less people everywhere. and of course, it'd make us all happier.

'i cannot lie'.

had dinner with amb, to celebrate teacher's day for our conductors and teachers-in-charge. no, not anything grand. in fact, it was opposite our school, but it was fun, nevertheless. food wasn't bad, and well, my table had enjoyed each others company. it was awfully amusing, everything was.

yup, nothing can beat my batchmates' company. love! (:


I welcomed you inside my life
For what you did
Oh you made me happy
So very happy
Once again

yes, you did. you did, indeed. no doubt about it.

'let's just think of it this way'.

debate was a screw up, despite it being jon's last time. prashan left for npcc, leaving me with nothing. i tried to create a script out of nothin'. sorry though, everyone, for the crap speech i made. oh well, jon's last time with us for training. goodbye then.


soma, you're bloody humourous. however, you're totally wrong about a few things. for one, i'm far from an evil bitch. those words were totally hurting and absolutely condescending.


screw you. the next time you want to cry your eyes out, don't come running to me. the next time you want to whining your gay ass out, don't come calling me. the next time you want to murder yourself, don't come to me, because i've got enough of caring, and enough of worrying. you're bloody gay, go screw yourself dead.


i'd wish to think you didn't see it. or perhaps there was a change of number. that way, it's a lot more assuring and a lot less upsetting. yeah, i'll keep to that way.

'i'm not a kid no more'.

a few adorable things i wanna upload!



i think it's so cute. it's a little metal ball on the face which rolls around. and it only stops rolling and tells you the time when you stop flapping your arms and rest it horizontally. some magnetic force thingy that it works on. but horribly cute!



oh. i just thought the design is so so so adorable. and it somehow, don't ask me why, reminds me of how the world should be more environmental friendly.

'i don't know what to think no more'.

the feel of esctasy when a geog mindmap is finally completed, is totally undescriable. it lifts you off the face of earth, like you're floating and like you're high. ahhh, heaven.


i wish i could say i have no regrets and i wish i could said i enjoyed carrying out such a spiteful act too. but i can't say neither one and it makes me sick. sick that i don't know what you mean to me anymore. and sick because i'm becoming horribly disgusting, in a way, or possibly, every way.

'this isn't fair'.

bad people should be kicked off the face of the earth. they should be destroyed, they should not exist.

'my hand is in the air'.

i was supposed to go for art classes today, again. but, once again, i overslept. and i really really wanted to paint. i couldn't wait. cause i can't wait to be done with the painting i'm doing. it was something i was really looking forward to complete, cause i really like the idea of it. but i keep oversleeping these days, sadly.

nevermind. i'll find a day which i have time and i'll paint the day through, if i can. hopefully, i'll have a day or two to paint during the holidays. ahh, i'll just have to wait and see. and pray that band practice schedule wouldn't be too tight.

when you're looking for someone who'll always be there by your side, i just hope you'll spot me with my hand in the air.

'back to you, it always comes around'.

Miss Potter is a nice show. light-hearted and really sweet. easy to watch and generally enjoyable, awfully tragic though. should catch it when you can, i would suggest.

When You Taught Me How To Dance by Katie Melua:

When you taught me how to dance
Years ago with misty eyes
Every step and silent glance
Every move a sweet surprise

Someone must have taught you well
To beguile and to entrance
For that night you cast your spell
And you taught me how to dance

Light reflections in a lake
I recall what went before
As I give, I'll learn to take
And to be alone no more

Other lights may light my way
I may even find romance
But I won't forget that night
When you taught me how to dance

Cold winds blow
But on those hills you’ll find me
And I know
You’re walking right behind me

When you taught me how to dance
Years ago with misty eyes
Every step and silent glance
Every move a sweet surprise

Someone must have taught you well
To beguile and to entrance
For that night you cast your spell
And you taught me how to dance
And you taught me how to dance.

'i don't want to, but yet'.

maybe it's not wonderful, or not even close to it, in fact. but it's an acheivement, nevertheless, and it makes me pleased. i'll just have to keep going at this speed, and not die down in determination. i'm gonna make it, if not for myself, at least for everyone else.


i want to hear your voice and cry into the phone, tell you what a great friend you were and how much i've missed you. i want to tell you that i'd take back all i've said and we can start all over again. i haven't heard from you in ages, and i'm almost dying to. tell me why.

it breaks my heart to know that we are so far apart. even though i love you so. i guess i should have said it all in person. words, well, they never do their job right. or perhaps, they're just never interpretated right, or too different.

'i must have been stupid'.

i expected this to happen. but i never thought it would kill me so much, i never expected it to be so bad. i thought i would recover within an instant. i thought it'd be all over before i knew it, i thought i'd be fine and able to play perfectly sooner or later. but it's killing me to realise that something i've done for six, seven years is suddenly something i cannot perform at all, at least not anymore.

i want to play my eupho, i really do. i don't want to let anyone down, i really don't, not in forever. but i don't know how i'm going to do this. not anymore, i don't.

'once upon a time, i made a vow'.

i'm sorry babes, that i let you down. i'm sorry, weishan, that i'm leaving you to stand on your own and that i can't be there for you anymore. and that i can't support you. but i'll try. i wouldn't want to, ever, let you down. and because i love you so, i'm gonna try my best. (:

but i'm sorry anyhow...


i made a vow that blue tac would never land on my teeth. never ever, i told myself. who was i kidding?

'sometimes, nothingness is a blessing'.

silly, how we trust, those who deserve nothing, a bit too much more than we should have. silly, how we lean on those who were never planning to stand around, but instead watch afar as you crash to the ground. silly, silly things we do. and such horrid things people do in return. digusting, actually. so disgusting, it's impossible to erase or forget.

i'm heerrrreeeeeeeeeeeee.

you bloody liar. you digusting, horrid liar. turned out just like everyone else, or anyone else, despite the amount of faith i had in you.

'my sister from an african mother'.

it's only now that i have braces do i realise how horrid it is to brush and floss. so i shall now dedicate a post to my sister:

i am so sorry for all the times i said hurry up you loser. i really am, so so sorry. i love you, with all due respect.


goodnight, world!

'if we could all fly'.

had fajitas for dinner. it was suppose to be nice. and i'm sure they were, it's just that i couldn't really chew on most of the food that was on the table, and so i ate fajitas without meat in them. for the first time, in ever, i lived a whole day without eating any meat, other than fish.


many of us dream of flying. some want to feel the wind on their faces, others to look at everything from above. some want to touch the clouds, others want to play in the rain, high above the ground. well, all i want is to fly away, away from everything. to fly back, back to the past. to fly into, into safe arms that will keep me warm, once again. once again.


i did want to be there with you. i was just scared, very very afraid. just like i still am. because the last time i was there, i gave up everything, for you, to you. i thought you'd have kept me safe from all evil in the world, thought you'd have fought all my fears away. but, instead, i gave everything, for everything, and to everything that i was running from.

'okay. forget it, be that way'.

what's that supposed to f*cking mean? you don't go around doing that to people! it's sick, it's just sick. you don't go around getting to know people and later, start ignoring them. especially not when you begin to mean a lot to them. you don't go to them and make one pathetic statement and pretend that, that everything's fine, that you're treating them all fine.

you can't do that to people who care. you can't do that to people who would do anthing for you. you, basically, can't do that at all. it's just digusting.

'spare a little acknowledgement, it wouldn't kill'.

i've finally got my braces on. yesterday actually. and it hurt so so bad, in fact, it still does. so i'm on a sick porridge diet, for god know's how long. and i'm unable to play my eupho. it's upsetting. and really, really depressing.


how do you just forget something that has happened before? how do you leave it all behind and pretend like it doesn't matter? do you feel no guilt, no more? do you feel no pain, no more? all, gone, just like that? how? of course, though, it probably has never mattered too much to you. of course, you probably never cared. of course, you've never felt any guilt because you've never realised all that you did wrong.

it's sick, the way you think the world revolves around you. it's even sicker, the way nothing about everything really matters to you. it's like you only live for yourself, and nothing or no one else. it's like you've never been given a life, and it ashames me to know you.


ever waited for something, for so long, you thought you'd die? ever wanted something, so badly, you thought you're crazy? ever prayed for a miracle, so hard, you thought you'd burst? and when everything happens, and everything comes true, nothing's ever as beautiful as the way you wish it would.

'i've replaced you'.

i've replaced karakiri's with tigger's. probably taken when he was 4 and half weeks old. (: he's so cute, at times. that it really makes me smile, even when in my worst of moods.

I Learned From You by Miley Cyrus:

I didn't want to listen to what you where saying
I thought that I knew all I need to know
I didn't realize that somewhere inside me
I knew you were right but i couldn't say so
I can take care of myself
You taught me well

I learned from you
That I do not crumble
I learned that strength is something you choose
All of the reasons to keep on believing
There's no question that's a lesson
I learned from you

We always don't agree on what is the best way
To get to the place that we're going from here
But I can really trust you and give you the distance
To make your decisions with out any fear
I'm grateful for all of the times
You opened my eyes

I learned from you
That I do not crumble
I learned that strength is something you choose
All of the reasons to keep on believing
There's no question that's a lesson
I learned from you

You taught me to stand on my own
And i thank you for that, it saved me, it made me
And now that I'm looking back I can say

I learned from you
That I do not crumble
I learned that strength is something you choose
All of the reasons to keep on beliveing
There's no question that's a lesson
I learned from you

I learned that strength is something you choose
All of the reasone to keep on believing
There's no question that's a lesson
I learned from you
I learned from you...

'so much to say, but far too little guts'.

i wish i could simply say it was all a matter of uncontrollable jealousy. i wish i could leave it at such simplicity, ignoring everything else. it wasn't just that simple, and there was really so much more to it. it wasn't just some silly perspective of a situation. yes, those may have made up a fraction of the reasons, but not entirely.

so much to say, so much to express. but i hadn't found the courage, anywhere in me, to do so. i haven't been able to do or say anything i've wanted to. and i hate myself so much for that. everyday, i wake up telling myself that it's going to be different today. that i'd finally do something about everything. and yet, everytime i close my eyes to sleep, i know that nothing had changed. and that i failed. once again.


i really don't know how to put this but it's definitely not what you think it is. if you think i'm being a total hypocritical bitch, well, that's one area in which you're wrong. i only do what i do, because i take it as a responsibility that i bear. one of which, i'm asked to care.

if i had a choice, i wouldn't want to be this way. i wouldn't want to seem the way i seem. i'm not putting on an act, and i simply hope you know that. it's just that i've vowed to draw a line between responsibilities and personal affairs. if it's my responsibility to care, i will. but if wasn't, well, i simply wouldn't have. but because it is, i live up to it and i do what i'm expected to do.

i don't wish to make this anymore difficult than it already is. i would have dismissed all hatred for you, if i could. that way, both you and i know, everything would be a hell lot easier. but because i've failed myself in doing so, i've decided to at least do the least that is expected of me- to carry out my responsibilities well.

and yes, i am truly sorry. but, it's not going to change anything tomorrow. still.


oh yes, you were right about yourself. and this time, i really haven't any other choice to agree with you- you truly are a bastard.

'what this life anyway?'

i've done all the heymath that i currently owe mrs ang, so that i'll be able to hand it all in tomorow.

These Days by Chantal Kreviazuk:

What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
Make me a storybook
Write me away from here
I need a different now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll len you my tears if I could borrow a smile
I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days

There's four roads to anywhere
Four ways to everything
We were unbreakable
We spoke our destiny
Let's take a moment out
Go were we never go
Let's make a new world now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days

Then one day we'll find
when we're looking back at this time
Wondering how we've come so far from this
When we close our eyes

What's this life anyway
What's it to you and me
What are we doing here
Who are we supposed to be
I'll take a better world
I'll take anything
I'll take our little world now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days

'you never used to say that'.

got my right pre-molars extracted late last night. there's definitely something with the nerves around there because it hurt a thousand times more than before. and it bled for 12 hours straight. all the way into the morning actually. like my mouth's a second vagina or something. it's gross. and it's still throbbing and my head's aching.

oh, yes. i hope that explains why i'm not in school then.


they don't concern me, much. but why do i still feel this stinging jealousy biting at me? why do i feel my face flush when i hear of it? it shouldn't matter, and i thought it wouldn't. i'm wrong, again, as usual. it's becoming too typical.


you liar, you never used to say that. you told me different, and now you tell her a whole other story. i swear that you should stay single for the rest of your life. that way, you might have less people hating you and more people appreciating you for a friend.


how amazing that one person can bring you such happiness. apparently, your thousand other friends, most of which who can't care less, aren't enough for you? you just have to keep adding one person after another to fill in something you think is empty. you have no idea who genuinely cares, do you? you're really silly, i hope you know that. you're the only one who's responsible for all the pain inflicted on you. about time you see that.

'always forgotten'.

it's been one hell of a week. and i'm happy that it's almost over. and i'm starting a new week. and i'm praying so so hard that it'll be better. that it wouldn't come down so hard on me this time. oh well, let's see if heaven finally answers my prayers huh.


it's getting typical.

'it's like i threw it out'.

so many friendships lost. one of which was something i always needed there. one of which was what kept me smiling and living for the next day. one of which killed me when it was gone. and i miss it now, so much, just so much.

i feel like i threw it out of the window. like i've brought it upon myself when i said those three words. like i lost something so treasured, to myself. as ironic as it seems though, it still will always be that way to me. like i brought so much loneliness upon myself. like i made a sacrifice of eternal friendship to two months of happiness. like i threw my friend away.


this is what alchohol does to a person. drinking is bad.

'feels like a sin'.

belgian dinner. pork knuckles, saugsages, mussels in white wine, fries, soup, chocolate and waffle and of course, beer. the beer was absolutely wonderful. but i think i drank a little too much. i'm feeling a little high, but yet, slightly down.

a lot of things become different when you're drunk actually. in your mind, somehow, people tend to seem more distant. your losses seem to increase by every passing moment. and those who haven't really seemed to care, almost disappear.

i'm praying that it's just the alchohol

'something about you'.

finally, something i was looking forward to. and i couldn't stop wishing that time would go by me so fast so that i'd need not wait. that voice, that few words that i had been wishing to hear. a hint of hope. a step closer to making dreams possible. a step closer to retrieving what had been taken away from me before.

finally, something i was looking forward to. and i couldn't stop wishing that i could finally keep it. wishes don't come true.

Fly Away by Corrinne May:


When will you be home?" she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer
to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as I crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
Silver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

'if i've just realised, i guess you probably never would'.

old myths are silly, really silly. i mean, they're nice to believe at times. sometimes, a little comforting to believe in. but really, if one were to look into them, they're just a whole pile of lies. sneezing twice when someone thinks of you? well, i think myths are just there to make sad souls happy, once in a while.


i didn't know how much i cared till my tears started to shed.

'unreasonable'.

if there was one thing i wanted right now, it wouldn't be someone who isn't worth my time. if there was one thing to be jealous about, it wouldn't be the person who almost screwed up my life. if there was one person to love, it wouldn't be the biggest bastard of the century.

i can't believe you could say something like that. the person i trusted most! it just hit me, and really, my skin's still red and it's tingling. i can't believe something so despicable could escape from your lips. it's sick, you know, really.

but yet, somehow, nothing's gonna change the friend that i'll always be towards you. nothing's gonna kill the girl who's made a vow to always be by your side. because you're important, very important...


how oblivious.

'not something i'll easily forget'.

band outing was rather fun. but really tiring, with all the running and running and running. really exhausting but i liked the people in my group. great people to be running around singapore with! aha.


something about it is still worth missing. the dependable figure to lean on, to be there for you, anytime of the day, no matter what. it's worth missing really, somehow. the arms that keep you warm in all weathers, rain or shine. the face that assured you when you were of worst moods, the one that kept that smile on your face, all the time.

yes, it's worth missing. so much of it.

but no, you aren't worth missing at all, actually. as pretence isn't either.

'why would you care?'

i'll close my eyes and i'll rest my head. i'll close my eyes, and i'll let everything turn black around me. i'll let myself slip away from consciousness for a moment or two, and perhaps, just maybe, i'll bump into you. not for any reason, of course. maybe, it's because i want to. or just because.

'oh no. i made a mistake'.

oh no. there was a post when i decribed my list which i owned. no, there aren't any changes. i mean, not really. thought i did make a typo error with a word. here's what it should have been:

i have a list. it's short. there's are a few letters on it, and a few words. okay, 34 letters and 8 words to be exact. the list has three rows- three words on the first row, two on the second, and three long words on the last row. well, i can't decide whether i should cancel the last three words. no, not because i want to. but because, well, maybe because i've reached the stage of not being able to turn around. the stage where i can't do much anymore, i don't have a choice.

ahh. horrid mistake there.

'what a waste'.

national day parade is overrated, really. all the it's a once in a year thing, it's crap.


what a waste of an opportunity.

'once again'.

everything is feeling so dead today. despite it being national day, of course. but everything's so still and all. i might have got up from the wrong side of my bed. or, perhaps, it's just me missing a few little important things that i don't have right now.

oh well, i have a song to put up:



I welcome you inside my life
For what you do
Oh you make me happy
So very happy
Once again

Here I stand
So inspired
To take your hand
And never take for granted
What I was granted
Once again

Chorus:
I never thought I could love again
I never thought I'd let somebody else in
I never thought I could trust and then
Here I am in love once again
(Once again)

You touched my heart
Now I can breathe
You saved my life
And still I can't believe you made it happen
Made it happen
Once again

Chorus:
I never thought I could love again
I never thought I'd let somebody else in
I never thought I could trust and then
Here I am in love once again
(Once again)

Bridge:
And when see you baby this is when
I want to scream it at the top of my lungs
I love you baby!
I know I'll never have this chance again

Chorus:
I never thought I could love again
I never thought I'd let somebody else in
I never thought I could trust and then
Here I am in love once again
(Once again)

I welcome you inside my life
For what you do
Oh you make me happy
So very happy
Once again...

'i've decided'.

for now, i'll keep my list the way it is. no cancellations, no changes at all. for now, that is. i'll keep those treasured three words there and hope that they'll stay that way for as long as forever can possibly mean. i like it that way anyway. but it'll come a day that i'll just have to remove it, i just know it. i don't look forward to that day, at all though.

oh gosh. i'll just pray pray pray that the heavens will let everything stay fine, if not better.


stay by my side, please?


how could three specific people mean so much? i think it's almost amazing. but i like it the way it is, too. well, partly, that is.

'i am not attached'.

my gums really hurt. and i feel like i've grown a second heart in my mouth.

i'm sorry babes, weishan and vivian especially. i'm sorry that i might not be playing tomorrow. yes, i really am. but i'll try, i really will. i'll just have to see how it goes tomorrow morning. i don't wanna sit around, either. so, for you guys, i'll live with the pain. (: love, babes!


oh yes. i wanted to clear up a misconception regarding my single status. so here's the facts for the confused souls out there- i am single and am quite contented with my status. ahaha. i do not wish to be matchmade off to some imaginary thing, thank you.


doubtful is the word.

'ouch, it really does hurt'.

i extracted my teeth today. two pre-molars. and ouch ouch ouch, do they hurt. i can't speak and i can't drink. it's awfully uncomfortable, and awfully painful. ouch.

i'm off to wallowing in self-pity. ahaha.

'you could have told me'.

family gathering was interesting. ha, great food and disturbing displays of vocals from my relatives. amusing. but was great anyway. wonderful people, still (: and hon teng, well, we'll miss you. goodbye, my dear cousin.


i didn't think i would hear it from someone else. i thought i would hear it from you. but of course, the unexpected happened. and i never prepared myself for something so hurting. at least, not in time for it. and well, i can't believe it. you could have told me.

'i do, don't you know?'.

you know, if i could take my words back, i would. and if i could rewind time, i would. i'd stopped myself from saying all those things that might have hurt you, which in turn, hurt myself. but you wouldn't know how much i regret, and you wouldn't know how sorry i am. perhaps, you've other more important matters. or perhaps, more possibly- i don't matter.

if there was no one left, i'd always be here waiting for you, hoping you'd notice how much i care. no matter what you say, or what you do, i swear that there'll be a million people behind you. because i don't matter and because you don't really seem to care, i can do nothing but only pray that one day, you'll always be there.

it's a promise unsaid, but it's a promise i've made. to you. to you, who i someday hope will realise that i'm one who cares.

though it seems like years ago
the importance of those memories will always grow
as promised and as i've once said
well, there were reasons why they were made

so, instead, i'll hold them close
though i'd doubt you'll ever know
how much you mean to me
and how you'll never ever see

my friend, i miss you.

'i didn't mean it that way'.

the Chung Ching Concert Band was fantastic! it was amazingly good. the taiwanese were jaw-droppingly good. really. i'm happy i watched them, they made me happy. well, kinda.


i have a list. it's short. there's are a few letters on it, and a few words. okay, 34 letters and 8 words to be exact. the list has three rows- three words on the first row, three on the second, and three long words on the last row. well, i can't decide whether i should cancel the last three words. no, not because i want to. but because, well, maybe because i've reached the stage of not being able to turn around. the stage where i can't do much anymore, i don't have a choice.

and, it'll kill me if i do draw a line across. because, really, i never planned to and i'll never want to. not in ever. because i like the words being there. they put a smile on my face, well, they did. now, i don't even know how to describe the feelings that it brings to me.


don't let me.

'people grow up, people learn. i don't wanna be hurt, again'.

sometimes, we learn from mistakes, i guess. and we learn that there are things that just can't stay the way they are. that things have to be changed or else mistakes will just repeat. and it's really silly. it's really silly to carry on with pretence ignorance, ignoring all past mistakes and livin' as though they never happened.

well, i know they did. and i'm just tyring to do something to avoid things happening again. to avoid being hurt again. to avoid killing myself again. because i don't wanna go through the same thing over and over again. it's really really silly. an the pain can kill.

it's not easy. and it won't be. i'm sorry if i'm hurting anyone, but it's something i've got to do for myself. for once. i can't keep killing myself, i've been too silly.