'so much to say, but far too little guts'.

i wish i could simply say it was all a matter of uncontrollable jealousy. i wish i could leave it at such simplicity, ignoring everything else. it wasn't just that simple, and there was really so much more to it. it wasn't just some silly perspective of a situation. yes, those may have made up a fraction of the reasons, but not entirely.

so much to say, so much to express. but i hadn't found the courage, anywhere in me, to do so. i haven't been able to do or say anything i've wanted to. and i hate myself so much for that. everyday, i wake up telling myself that it's going to be different today. that i'd finally do something about everything. and yet, everytime i close my eyes to sleep, i know that nothing had changed. and that i failed. once again.


i really don't know how to put this but it's definitely not what you think it is. if you think i'm being a total hypocritical bitch, well, that's one area in which you're wrong. i only do what i do, because i take it as a responsibility that i bear. one of which, i'm asked to care.

if i had a choice, i wouldn't want to be this way. i wouldn't want to seem the way i seem. i'm not putting on an act, and i simply hope you know that. it's just that i've vowed to draw a line between responsibilities and personal affairs. if it's my responsibility to care, i will. but if wasn't, well, i simply wouldn't have. but because it is, i live up to it and i do what i'm expected to do.

i don't wish to make this anymore difficult than it already is. i would have dismissed all hatred for you, if i could. that way, both you and i know, everything would be a hell lot easier. but because i've failed myself in doing so, i've decided to at least do the least that is expected of me- to carry out my responsibilities well.

and yes, i am truly sorry. but, it's not going to change anything tomorrow. still.


oh yes, you were right about yourself. and this time, i really haven't any other choice to agree with you- you truly are a bastard.