'today's the 28th'.

resting my hand on the mouse, gently adjusting my palm so that it fit to the contures of it. i slowly nudged it to the right, watching as the little white arrow, oulined in black, slowly moved towards the right bottom corner of the screen. over the numbers '12.28 am', i stopped the mouse. a bedge box popped up, the words 'Wednesday, February 28, 2007' written in it.

it probably doesn't seem a deal to many. at least, well, those who understand the significance of this day to me. yes, it probably seems a little silly for me to be in the least excited about this day. but really, i almost feel like i've accomplished something huge. something really great, something i thought i wouldn't have ever acheived, something i thought i couldn't never have done: i lived to this date.

i survived. yes, i did. and i'm proud of myself for it. not only have i survived, i'm living. i'm not crumbling with ever breath i take. i'm surviving, living and building myself up again. i'm doing what i thought i couldn't do... i love it.

i failed four tests so far - science, chinese, history and math. okay, so i didn't study or pay attention. i know i know. but really as i think back, i can't remember why or what i did in these two months. i can remember what i've been doing at all. other than the usual - cca, debate, tuition tuition tuition, art classes. i can't recall anymore. why hadn't i planned my time right? sheesh. i better do something like soon. like now.

suddenly everything seems to have been shaken into place. everything is surprisingly almost near right. and i know very well i should actually be happy about how things are going but i'm scared... i'm really scared. everytime something gets right, it only lasts so short a time and before i know it, my whole world comes crumbling down on me all over again. it has happened over and over again. so as i have taught myself to not be happy for things that seem perfect, afterall they don't last. why lie to myself?

i realised i adapt too fast to things i shouldn't be adapting to. i get used to it too fast that well, i don't really take things well after changes happen. and somehow, though i want to know everything's going to be better soon and that everything's going to be all good again, i know that i can't deny that i miss how things used to be. i miss the important things or the people i've lost. i know i want them back but well, i figured there's almost nothing i can do already... but accept.


i've started on the painting. all over again. i think the other one was plain ugly and zero effort. i have to deliver it to Mrs Kamal by thursday evening if she's at home... i hope it'll be done. oh yes, the painting is in the color scheme of green. well, i am afterall a very jealous person, always have been... haha. so yup. i hope it turns out okay. but from the look of it, despite a lot of helpless tries of technique and despite all effort put into it, i still think it looks crappy...


is it a crime to miss something that i threw out the window?

when somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour spent together
lives within my heart

take it take it take it all away....

'a thousand lies'.

i'm tired. i am so tired. i want to raise my arms into the air and scream to the heavens that i've had had enough. i want to drop to the ground and give everything all up... can i afford to go on? i know i need to. i know i don't want to too...

i didn't do the art assignment. i don't have the time. and i don't have the mindset to sit down and throw all my emotions into a piece of work that isn't even my style. i don't believe in doing art without emotions either... that's why the only thing i have now is a blank, white, rough, plain canvas. scratch.

everytime i have tuition, i leave my phone aside. everytime i end, i run to check it. everytime i do, it has no messages no calls. everytime i walk away, it rings. and everytime it has to be someone i want to hear from, someone who'd make me smile. well almost everytime, it's Joshua. didn't always used to be though... but things change. every second. sometimes even too fast for me...

i don't believe the heavens looks down upon all of us every moment. it's only my belief though. no really, if they did, why don't they hear our pain, our screams, our agony? are they as great as told to be? do they share the same feeling of sympathy a human can? if they did watch upon us, why do i still walk this earth?

my reason for living is the very same reason i don't want to be.

Someday We'll Know by Mandy Moore feat. Jonathan Foreman:

[Mandy Moore]
Ninety miles outside Chicago,
Can't stop driving, I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind

[Jonathan Foreman]
Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
[Both] Did the captain of the titanic cry?

[Chorus]
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Mandy] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Both] Why I wasn't meant for you

[Mandy] Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
[Jonathan] Or what the wind says when she cries?
[Mandy] I'm speeding by the place that I met you
[Both] For the ninety-seventh time tonight

[Chorus]
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Mandy] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Both] Why I wasn't meant for you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why Samson loved Delilah
[Both] One day I'll go
[Mandy] Dancing on the moon
[Both] Someday you'll know
[Both] That I was the one for you

[Mandy] I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
[Jonathan] Watch the stars crash in the sea
[Mandy] If I could ask God just one question
[Both] Why aren't you here with me tonight?

[Chorus]
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Mandy] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Both] Why I wasn't meant for you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Both]Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why Samson loved Delilah
[Both] One day I'll go
[Mandy] Dancing on the moon
[Both] Someday you'll know
[Both] That I was the one for you

perfect lyrics, i feel. will that someday come though? will we really know? when is that someday going to come? a hundred years from now? i can't wait that long... i don't know if i want to.

so many questions, i need an answer.

yes, i do. why won't you start with telling me the reason for each one of the thousand lies?

'if there was one thing i could do'.

i can't paint. getting too impatient with the bloody canvas, paint, brush and everything to even create anything asthetic in any way. and shit do i still bloody pissed off... i don't know if my damned reason is actually reasonable but i am frustrated, like it or not. you bastard.

i don't know why i'm letting you tear me to pieces. it's only gonna last these few days only... trust me. right after this, you're gonna be meaningless to me. i'll look at you and laugh, thinking what an ass you are. well, right now too actually...

Adrienne by The Calling:

I've been thinking about you, my love
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming around, throwing it back to you
Were you thinking of me, when you kissed him
Could you taste me when you licked his skin
And all the while I showered you with trust and promises
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you

CHORUS
Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up

You spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh, when I see you walking with some other guy
'Cause I know you are gonna end up all alone
So take these words, some good advice
All you've done's gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt, I really need to tell you

CHORUS

What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all that I had to give, but I could never reach you

CHORUS

i'm not needing just some sweet revenge. what i'm needing is some good revenge, involving torture and peeling of this asshole's skin, inch my bloody inch. everything single bit... and watching him scream.

'i held on to such junk for much too long'.

i can't believe i held on to such... shit. geez. i'm feeling so damn pissed off. i don't think i have an entire reason to. halfly pissed off at the way or who i've been manipulated by. and halfly by my pure stupidity... i'm supposed to be painting for art in school. my whole painting is red red red. i'm freakin' pissed.

i read that shit. and i just realise that i've been so damn dumb. i've been so so so used! it's like i've been thrown around like a bloody toy and when that ass had enough fun, i was just thrown out. not like an sympathy was given, but instead, i was replaced in less than a second. fine. so i'm unhappy that i don't seem to matter a shit. but hell to you... you, bastard.

i don't wanna see you. i don't wanna hear you. just go the f*ckin' away! ARGH!

i hate you. without a damn doubt now!

Fighter by Christina Aguillera:

(After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end, I wanna thank you
'Cause you made me that much stronger)

Well I thought I knew you,
Thinking that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust,
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were there, by my side,
Always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mhm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know, just how capable
I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Ooh, yeah, oh

Never saw it coming,
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I'd realized your game
I heard you're going 'round
Playin' the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, mm

After all of the fights and the lies
Guess you're wanting to haunt me
But that won't work anymore
No more, uh uh, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel?
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies,
Disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
(I'm a fighter)
I ain't gonna stop
(I ain't gonna stop)
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget, but I
I remember
Yes, I remember
I remember

Thought I would forget
I remember
Yes, I remember
I'll remember

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

oh god. you damned bastard. the anger you ivoke in me just makes my hands tremble so so much. i don't know how i'm gonna paint. but the anger in me is gonna explode if i don't.

an ass like you deserves no one.

being with you felt like cow food: chewed on and then spat out almost immediately after.

'happy birthday Yan Tze!'

24 February! (: my dear cousin's birthday. oh shit -types out sms- ahh. yup. i always carelssly forget to send the Happy Birthday smses to people on time. anyway, back to the point. it's my darling cousin's birthday today! =D yup.

Yan Tze, i like love you so much i have almost nothing to say =X aha. even the message i wrote to you on your present ain't all that long )x which is awfully sad... but oh well (x nevertheless, my love, i love the guts in you! =D you're like My Sunshine... awww! haha.

yup. i am FINALLY done with illustrating or writing out your b-e-a-utiful present my dear. and yup. i like it =D lol. thank god i bought two of a kind because i made a mistake with the first 'motives'. so yup (x lucky lucky lucky me!

ahhh. feeling really tired. gotta get some sleep... having debate coaching with Johnathan Pflug later in the morning and then out for lunch with Joshua and Birthday girl (: and right after probably walking around and family dinner at night : long day it's gonna be XD

oh yeah! i'm going to Jia Wen's house on sunday (x which means like a total high possibility i'll get to go east coast! =D FINALLY. just love that place. ever single bit of that place, i love. haha. i can't wait wait wait for sunday. i just hope there'll be time for me to go over to East Coast. afterall i think it's only a 5minute walk from their house -gosh do i wish i lived there-

hehe. i'm gonna cycle and cycle cycle cycle if i can! XD all the way to the end beach, rock 28 (: i like that place. really peaceful. and i'll just like on the hot sand and let the sunlight pierce my skin -hehs. dream come true. one of my ten happy things (:-

yup yup yup. gotta sleep like NOW! (x it's late. hehs. goodnight.

'minjun, read this'.

gosh minjun. i've got enough of seeing you tear yourself down. i hate looking at you shred yourself into pieces every single day. and you do all these to yourself for one person. i just think it's absolutely not worth it. it's not like you're the only one. i wake up everyday to find my eyes hurting, find the same old sharp piercing pain in them like someone stabbed them with a spear, hard and deep.

the way you tear yourself down every damned day is too useless. you don't realise that it actually hurts everyone around you do you? at least those who really care...

girl, i'm not expecting you to shut away every single memory. i don't expect you to erase him from your mind and pretend he never existed. that's plain juvenile. but holding on to what memories there are less is no better my dear. sure, you were happy. but how happy? in that few days, tell me how many times would you lock yourself in the toilet and cry your lungs out? or how many times did you cry yourself to sleep? if you were to say, my dear minjun, that you were truly happy, i can put my hand on my ass and safely say you are definitely lying. without a bloody doubt.

and as i've said. i don't need you to throw away the memories and keep trying to convince yourself it never happened. cause that would be almost impossible and purely stupid. keep the memories for all i care, but accept it as past for heaven's sake. accept the fact that what's done is done and that you can't exactly turn the clock back. geez. it's not like you didn't have s ay in the whole big situation my dear. you made your choice... there's a once, maybe a second. i believe there shouldn't be a third. and so what if there is a third time? what if there isn't? are you gonna wait for something that might never come forever? i think not...

today i just watched the way you sat pathetically on the bus crying your bloody eyes out. i wanted to stand in front of you, point my finger into your damned face and laugh. the way you treat yourself is sad really... have some self-pride girl. yes, he may have taken away all he could have but he sure ain't gonna take away your life girl. your spirit. your soul. it's still all your's. and you're just chucking it out.

i don't expect you to bloody hate him. or pretend you never knew him. but look, he wasn't made for you and you do still know he can be one hell of a great friend... there are reasons for everything that has happened, i believe. and there is definitely a perfect reason for what has...

so girl, stop tearing yourself down and throwing your life away and being a loser. why can't you get a grip of yourself and have some self-pride for once. move on with your life. you know you can...

you weren't the only one who fell hard. i got up my girl, and i'm waiting for you. so if you'd just reach out for my hand and take it, i'd lead you out of this tunnel. it ain't that difficult because i've made it and i've walked back in just to get you out. so please, take my hand...


sometimes, schizophrenic talk does the best help to one.

'i need to get something spastic'.

i destroyed yan tze's present. totally. sigh. i want to go to ikea tomorrow, after band. but i will have to lug mister yea's painting together with me, plus i'm gonna have to go alone. which is boring. and i don't know how to get there fast without spending too much money. sigh.

i don't wanna go alone )x but who'll accompany my so far damnit?

sigh. it's late. i better get some sleep. i'm gonna die in class tomorrow...

moving on finally (: i hope it's not some randome phase and some random words. i mean it. i hope i pull through...

'what else can i say?'

i wasted my night away. was supposed to do the debate script. but i have NO IDEA what to do as the first speaker of the opposition team... yup.

my head's feeling heavy. i hope i fall sick by tomorrow morning. i don't want to go to school. i repeat: i don't want to go to school. i want to stay at home and sleep the day through...

i've lost enough of myself today. i better get some sleep before i do even more... but before i do, i'm gonna make sure this packet of gummies are done. i feel sick from the sugar but binging always works on me...

i'm sorry.

'nothing feels real'.

it's been so long but nothing feels real. i've been typing, i've been talking to people and yet every word that appears on the screen or slips off my tongue just doesn't seem right. well, at least everything i say about a certain someone doesn't seem right...

i know coping with lost isn't easy for anyone. but it's harder to think that the person's still living and walking and bloody hell kicking, but yet, almost seems as though the lost is so real that that one person doesn't seem existent anymore... like gone. forever. for good.

everything just seems so dreamy and so unreal that i would almost expect to feel a tap on my shoulder and find myself in his arms, staring into the sky, on a rooftop. still happy, alive and very much smiling. but as always, i wish too much... as though there's any possibility of it coming true.

'won't everything just return back to the way it used to be?'

i felt happy. felt. so i went to j8 and got myself a huge nice colourful packet of gummies from minitoons. i walked out of the shop, spent $3.05. but still, i was happy... i was almost bloody skipping as i walked to the bloody traffic light...

if only things like that didn't matter a shit to me. if only i could just shrug and pretend it didn't mean a thing. if only i was strong enough to do all these... if only i could bring back time... if only i could intervene with fate and make it so that i would never have met or meet you ever. but what the hell am i wishing about again? what the hell am i hoping for? a miracle? apparently so...

it's funny how something that once brought me the most happines can now bring me so much pain... so much that i can't even express. i can't say, i can't paint... i can't show this amount of emotion in anyway. so much is bottled up in me that i just wanna burst. but i can't let myself down, i can't give up... can i?

i wish i could shrug everything thats putting me down aside and make them not mean a thing... who's gonna care about what i wish though?

whatever it is. the next time i wish of something, i'm gonna be more specific. i'm not gonna kill and tear myself up again. i'm not gonna put myself in this horrid emotional state...

seems like distance and absence remains my only path... despite the change of the damned situation.

'give me an explanation please'.

playing mahjong. i'm not feeling on top of the world and so much for feative season and the fun of chinese new year. ha. god, save me for once. take away all my angpao but save me really.

i can't explain this. i have no idea why. it's just killing me and thats all i can go... i've never been so affected in my life. but i just feel like it's hammering this mortal body of mine and shattering every single bone and every single bit of soul in me. long story short, i feel dead and shattered, broken. and gosh i can't even convince myself it's not real...

ha. minjun, stop killing your bloody self and live for once...

'100th post'.

my cousins' and relatives are all over to gamble and have fun. i have no idea what i'm doing still here blogging but ehh... whatever xP

went to watch Ghost Rider today. spastic show. 10% entertainment value. 90% spastic. so don't waste your money like 26 people of my extended family did XD haha. it's a pure waste of time... don't don't don't watch it. really cheesy lines and all. ubless of course you're like some really bored person and you had nothing better to do =D yup.

okay. the guilts getting to me. my cousins crowding around me and all (: ha.

well, for now, self-deludes the best thing i can get... think its been a dream all along (: yup. thats the furthest. hardest. but the most i can do... for now, i mean afterall, Jessica isn't bothering to offer any sort of help. it's just let me. i'll walk this last stretch, fight this last battle...

'oh sure, all over again'.

ah yes. sitting in my cousins' house, blogging. parents' are gambling and i just played a horribly long long game of mahjong... blah. wasn't all that good but well, i won (: every now and then of course =D and yeah. thanks to the great help of Hon Teng (x haha. two brains are always better than one...

the breathing difficulty's coming all back again. the hurt. the thoughts, the damned irritating thoughts... yes. they all come flooding back into me. curse this feeling. i think it's about time i gain control, and for once, stop all these... feelings. afterall, i know i'm the only one standing here. on this empty spot here i stand, alone, praying. for what? i'm not even sure myself... i just wish for things so impossible. things i should have long locked away, away away from my mind. things of the past, but just a current fantasy. minjun, what the hell...


the little beggar girl watches the man walk away. she leans back onto the hard bricked wall behind her. she rests her tired head on it. she closes a eyes, and as if travelled back into time, she remembers the taste of the chocolate on her tongue. the smile the man carried on his face as he handed the bulk of aluminium to her... gosh was such a taste so heavenly.

and as if being brought back, no, snatched back into real life, her eyes spring open. a drop of rain lands on her bare legs... as the raindrops fall ever so fast, she leans back again and closes her eyes. maybe if she just lived in the memories, in her own land, everything so pain would disappear and go away. for once... just maybe.

Come What May ost of Moulin Rouge:

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather,
And stars may collide
But I love you (I love you)
Until the end of time(until the end of time)

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, Oh I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

'like a little irritating kid'.

ahh. just back from bai-nianing and all (: eee. received a horridly small amount of angpaos... oh well (: it's not supposed to matter though. supposedly. i wore my brown bubble dress together with my platforms and white pvc belt today! ha. my aunts that i hadn't seen for a year were like 'minjun?! minjun! where is minjun?!... oh! you're minjun! couldn't recognise you...' -.- ironic thinking that my ex-classmates said i changed the least...

played Taboo with my cousins of my mum's side. haha. had a lot of fun =D i like scored 6 points, surprisingly. and Yan Tze -thank god- didn't give us anymore of her funny describtions... was looking at the old photos of my aunts, uncles and my mum, when they were younger. geez. unfortunately, i look horribly alike my mum. -shudders- it's kind of creepy...

i'm going jogging later =D my sis is accompanying me... i need the workout. geez. this time, i'm gonna warm-up and drink less. i don't want the stitches to stop me from going on AGAIN.

there's something about my Grandpa's house. i don't know... a presence. it keeps overwhelming me with this feeling... makes me feel very upset. it kind of scares me actually... and it creates these thoughts that cling onto my mind like a little irritating child would do to his mother. gosh. if i can, i'm gonna find all ways to avoid going back there...

'Happy Chinese New Year'.

ahh. reunion dinner was boring! )x the food wasn't that great but oh well... meeting my cousins was nice (: but the only thing they did the whole night was watch stupid Kungfu Hussle. urghs. so boring. wanted to play Taboo but everyone was preoccupied so oh well... just sat and talked with Yan Tze =D

haha but a lot of stupid things happen lah. like Yan Tze and i decided to take out the Taboo cards to guess a few words. then one of the words was 'vein' and she describe it as 'when someone is angry this thing buldges. it's something very long part of the...' and then before she could complete, she and i bursted out in horrible fits of laughter.

never knew i could feel something so strong... but of course there's a first time for everything.

'listen to my thoughts screaming please, hear me'.

'happily ever after'. what a superficial ending. a surperficial thought... i don't like the fact that people actually think, kid themselves into thinking, happily ever after is possible. it's so agitating to think people do... and it's so agitating that it isn't possible. it's even more saddening to think that you and i weren't happily ever after...

jessica, i need you now. i need you to bring me courage, to bring me that one bold side in me, so that i can say all i have to say. so that i can cry, without any shame, in his face and tell him all i have to. so that i can stand in front of him, falling into his arms, once again. so that i can look him in the eye and not have the thought of turning away. jessica, where are you when i need you? why aren't you here for me?... you all said you'd me here when i needed you, where are you? where are any of you?

jessica, i need you.

there's so much i think i need now... is it needing or just simply wanting?

'fourth post'.

my sis asked me today, if i have a problem and why i blog so much, or more or less, all the time =X HAHA. i have no idea and i don't think i have a problem! so whatever she said... heck. i'm gonna ignore it and post my fourth post of the day (: here goes:

i'm still as freaking high as ever. not high in the laugh laugh laugh sense. more of the in a big big big daze type of high. floaty and all. thinking too much and all.. yeah. that type of high. haha. actually, i don't think i have much to say... oh well =D

Happy Ending by Avril Lavinge:

Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh)
Oh oh, oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread (Breakable thread)

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted (I wanted)
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it (We lost it)
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Oh, oh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted (I wanted)
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Oh, oh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oh, hh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh Oh Oh

yeah. as in the above... it seems as though everything was a pretence. and yeah, thanks. it's good to know that i was lied to... at least what i know of makes everything a lie. either way, whether things have been honest all along, you lied, or still are lying.

and for everything, i hate you... no, i love you. no, i don't. i hate you i hate you i hate you... gosh. why can't i just manage to convince myself?

rants of a high and emotional person isn't always the best to read...

'no more threats'.

aha. i drank like 1/3 of a bottle of Hoegarden Beer (: my mum gave it to me. haha. yay =D i feel like extremely high and at the same time, tired and... sticky and sweaty and warm. hehs. but i like the beers. i've been craving for beer the whole whole whole day. and finally! (: hee! XD

and you know what? now i can drink drink drink drink drink without having anyone to threaten me with threats so hurtful =X and i'm happy. the fact that i don't have to be threatened of course... okay. fine. something in me isn't that happy either.

when i was high... i used to have someone to call. i used to have someone to listen to my mad laughter over the phone. i had someone there for me... joshua was right, haha. so what if he didn't reply my sms? it's not like i have anyone to sms anymore... haha. at least not frequently.

geez. i wanna scream.

Everything Burns by Anastacia feat. Ben Moody:

[Anastacia:]
She sits in her corner
Singing herself to sleep
Wrapped in all of the promises
That no one seems to keep
She no longer cries to herself
No tears left to wash away
Just diaries of empty pages
Feelings gone astray
But she will sing

[Chorus ~ Ben Moody & Anastacia:]
'Till everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate and all of this pain
Burning all down as my anger reigns
Everything burns

[Anastacia:]
Ohh

[Ben Moody:]
Walking through life unnoticed
Knowing that no one cares
To consume and then masquerade
No one sees her there
And still she sings

[Chorus ~ Ben Moody & Anastacia:]
'Till everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate and all of this pain
Burning all down as my anger reigns

[Ben Moody & Anastacia:]
Everything burns
Everything burns
Everything burns
Everything burns

Watching it all fade away
Everyone screams
Everyone screams
Watching it all fade away
Ohhhh

Everything burns
Everyone screams
Burning down lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate and all of this pain
Burning all down as my anger reigns
Everything burns

Ohhoh
Everything burns
Watching it all fade away
Ahh
Everything burns
Watching it all fade away

'one more thing to add'.

i figured i have left out a one thing that i haven't tried out of the list of my 10 happy things... and it was only, only today that i realised how much i missed out.

i returned to aitong today. met a few of my ex-classmates... some of which still are a lot like assholes. some of which have grown into nice gentlemen and really decent people. haha. they were all guys that i met by the way... all the girls had either left or weren't coming back. so yup (x

went to the bandroom and hung around for a while, watching the little kids run around... then after, joshua, alvin, jinjun and i took mr yea's car to thomson plaza. all of us set down for a drink and sort... went home around 5+ bah.

ahh. it was like drizzling lah. thank god it wasnt pouring or anything but god do i like running the rain -never really tried it before- haha. strange enough, it was the only thing that made my day. and that's what i'm adding to my list of things that make me happy... because as i ran and ran and ran, i must have looked stupid with a bloody freaking smile on my face. haha.

damn. i love the rain (:


you're right. you're really really right... i'll try really hard, to make sure that i won't let my life be so screwed up. i won't let this go on... god. i have to start living alright XD

'feeling of want'.

aha. i realised i should learn to ban myself from certain thoughts... the more i think the more they come flooding back into my mind )x shoo shoo shoo! go aways you evil things. i don't want you coming anywhere near me. please.

eee. i very tired. gonna sleep soon =D oh well. let me post a rather outdated song lyric first (x for the fun of it... yup.

My Love by Westlife:

An empty street
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone
The rooms are getting smaller (smaller)

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had
The songs we sang together (Oh yeah)

And, oh, my love
I'm holding on forever
Reaching for a love that seems so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again
My love
Overseas from coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again
My love

I try to read
I go to work
I'm laughing with my friends
But I can't stop to keep myself from thinking (Oh no)

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had
The songs we sang together (Oh yeah)

And, oh, my love
I'm holding on forever
Reaching for a love that seems so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again
My love
Overseas from coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again...

To hold you in my arms
To promise you, my love
To tell you from my heart
You're all I'm thinking of

I'm reaching for a love that seems so far
So...

So, I say a little prayer (So... yeah, yeah)
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again
My love
Overseas from coast to coast (Overseas)
To find the place I love the most (Love the most)
Where the fields are green
To see you once again
My love

I say a little prayer (My sweet love)
My dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue (Oh yeah)
To see you once again (Oh, my love)
Overseas from coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again
My love

this beautiful lyric-ed song has been repeating in my head ever since i heard it half a day ago. haha. had to post it (: just one of my weird traits =D