'today's the 28th'.

resting my hand on the mouse, gently adjusting my palm so that it fit to the contures of it. i slowly nudged it to the right, watching as the little white arrow, oulined in black, slowly moved towards the right bottom corner of the screen. over the numbers '12.28 am', i stopped the mouse. a bedge box popped up, the words 'Wednesday, February 28, 2007' written in it.

it probably doesn't seem a deal to many. at least, well, those who understand the significance of this day to me. yes, it probably seems a little silly for me to be in the least excited about this day. but really, i almost feel like i've accomplished something huge. something really great, something i thought i wouldn't have ever acheived, something i thought i couldn't never have done: i lived to this date.

i survived. yes, i did. and i'm proud of myself for it. not only have i survived, i'm living. i'm not crumbling with ever breath i take. i'm surviving, living and building myself up again. i'm doing what i thought i couldn't do... i love it.

i failed four tests so far - science, chinese, history and math. okay, so i didn't study or pay attention. i know i know. but really as i think back, i can't remember why or what i did in these two months. i can remember what i've been doing at all. other than the usual - cca, debate, tuition tuition tuition, art classes. i can't recall anymore. why hadn't i planned my time right? sheesh. i better do something like soon. like now.

suddenly everything seems to have been shaken into place. everything is surprisingly almost near right. and i know very well i should actually be happy about how things are going but i'm scared... i'm really scared. everytime something gets right, it only lasts so short a time and before i know it, my whole world comes crumbling down on me all over again. it has happened over and over again. so as i have taught myself to not be happy for things that seem perfect, afterall they don't last. why lie to myself?

i realised i adapt too fast to things i shouldn't be adapting to. i get used to it too fast that well, i don't really take things well after changes happen. and somehow, though i want to know everything's going to be better soon and that everything's going to be all good again, i know that i can't deny that i miss how things used to be. i miss the important things or the people i've lost. i know i want them back but well, i figured there's almost nothing i can do already... but accept.


i've started on the painting. all over again. i think the other one was plain ugly and zero effort. i have to deliver it to Mrs Kamal by thursday evening if she's at home... i hope it'll be done. oh yes, the painting is in the color scheme of green. well, i am afterall a very jealous person, always have been... haha. so yup. i hope it turns out okay. but from the look of it, despite a lot of helpless tries of technique and despite all effort put into it, i still think it looks crappy...


is it a crime to miss something that i threw out the window?

when somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour spent together
lives within my heart

take it take it take it all away....

'a thousand lies'.

i'm tired. i am so tired. i want to raise my arms into the air and scream to the heavens that i've had had enough. i want to drop to the ground and give everything all up... can i afford to go on? i know i need to. i know i don't want to too...

i didn't do the art assignment. i don't have the time. and i don't have the mindset to sit down and throw all my emotions into a piece of work that isn't even my style. i don't believe in doing art without emotions either... that's why the only thing i have now is a blank, white, rough, plain canvas. scratch.

everytime i have tuition, i leave my phone aside. everytime i end, i run to check it. everytime i do, it has no messages no calls. everytime i walk away, it rings. and everytime it has to be someone i want to hear from, someone who'd make me smile. well almost everytime, it's Joshua. didn't always used to be though... but things change. every second. sometimes even too fast for me...

i don't believe the heavens looks down upon all of us every moment. it's only my belief though. no really, if they did, why don't they hear our pain, our screams, our agony? are they as great as told to be? do they share the same feeling of sympathy a human can? if they did watch upon us, why do i still walk this earth?

my reason for living is the very same reason i don't want to be.

Someday We'll Know by Mandy Moore feat. Jonathan Foreman:

[Mandy Moore]
Ninety miles outside Chicago,
Can't stop driving, I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind

[Jonathan Foreman]
Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
[Both] Did the captain of the titanic cry?

[Chorus]
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Mandy] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Both] Why I wasn't meant for you

[Mandy] Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
[Jonathan] Or what the wind says when she cries?
[Mandy] I'm speeding by the place that I met you
[Both] For the ninety-seventh time tonight

[Chorus]
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Mandy] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Both] Why I wasn't meant for you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why Samson loved Delilah
[Both] One day I'll go
[Mandy] Dancing on the moon
[Both] Someday you'll know
[Both] That I was the one for you

[Mandy] I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
[Jonathan] Watch the stars crash in the sea
[Mandy] If I could ask God just one question
[Both] Why aren't you here with me tonight?

[Chorus]
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Mandy] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Both] Why I wasn't meant for you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Both]Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why Samson loved Delilah
[Both] One day I'll go
[Mandy] Dancing on the moon
[Both] Someday you'll know
[Both] That I was the one for you

perfect lyrics, i feel. will that someday come though? will we really know? when is that someday going to come? a hundred years from now? i can't wait that long... i don't know if i want to.

so many questions, i need an answer.

yes, i do. why won't you start with telling me the reason for each one of the thousand lies?

'if there was one thing i could do'.

i can't paint. getting too impatient with the bloody canvas, paint, brush and everything to even create anything asthetic in any way. and shit do i still bloody pissed off... i don't know if my damned reason is actually reasonable but i am frustrated, like it or not. you bastard.

i don't know why i'm letting you tear me to pieces. it's only gonna last these few days only... trust me. right after this, you're gonna be meaningless to me. i'll look at you and laugh, thinking what an ass you are. well, right now too actually...

Adrienne by The Calling:

I've been thinking about you, my love
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming around, throwing it back to you
Were you thinking of me, when you kissed him
Could you taste me when you licked his skin
And all the while I showered you with trust and promises
What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you

CHORUS
Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up

You spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh, when I see you walking with some other guy
'Cause I know you are gonna end up all alone
So take these words, some good advice
All you've done's gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt, I really need to tell you

CHORUS

What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all that I had to give, but I could never reach you

CHORUS

i'm not needing just some sweet revenge. what i'm needing is some good revenge, involving torture and peeling of this asshole's skin, inch my bloody inch. everything single bit... and watching him scream.

'i held on to such junk for much too long'.

i can't believe i held on to such... shit. geez. i'm feeling so damn pissed off. i don't think i have an entire reason to. halfly pissed off at the way or who i've been manipulated by. and halfly by my pure stupidity... i'm supposed to be painting for art in school. my whole painting is red red red. i'm freakin' pissed.

i read that shit. and i just realise that i've been so damn dumb. i've been so so so used! it's like i've been thrown around like a bloody toy and when that ass had enough fun, i was just thrown out. not like an sympathy was given, but instead, i was replaced in less than a second. fine. so i'm unhappy that i don't seem to matter a shit. but hell to you... you, bastard.

i don't wanna see you. i don't wanna hear you. just go the f*ckin' away! ARGH!

i hate you. without a damn doubt now!

Fighter by Christina Aguillera:

(After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end, I wanna thank you
'Cause you made me that much stronger)

Well I thought I knew you,
Thinking that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust,
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were there, by my side,
Always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mhm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know, just how capable
I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Ooh, yeah, oh

Never saw it coming,
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I'd realized your game
I heard you're going 'round
Playin' the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, mm

After all of the fights and the lies
Guess you're wanting to haunt me
But that won't work anymore
No more, uh uh, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel?
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies,
Disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
(I'm a fighter)
I ain't gonna stop
(I ain't gonna stop)
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget, but I
I remember
Yes, I remember
I remember

Thought I would forget
I remember
Yes, I remember
I'll remember

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

oh god. you damned bastard. the anger you ivoke in me just makes my hands tremble so so much. i don't know how i'm gonna paint. but the anger in me is gonna explode if i don't.

an ass like you deserves no one.

being with you felt like cow food: chewed on and then spat out almost immediately after.

'happy birthday Yan Tze!'

24 February! (: my dear cousin's birthday. oh shit -types out sms- ahh. yup. i always carelssly forget to send the Happy Birthday smses to people on time. anyway, back to the point. it's my darling cousin's birthday today! =D yup.

Yan Tze, i like love you so much i have almost nothing to say =X aha. even the message i wrote to you on your present ain't all that long )x which is awfully sad... but oh well (x nevertheless, my love, i love the guts in you! =D you're like My Sunshine... awww! haha.

yup. i am FINALLY done with illustrating or writing out your b-e-a-utiful present my dear. and yup. i like it =D lol. thank god i bought two of a kind because i made a mistake with the first 'motives'. so yup (x lucky lucky lucky me!

ahhh. feeling really tired. gotta get some sleep... having debate coaching with Johnathan Pflug later in the morning and then out for lunch with Joshua and Birthday girl (: and right after probably walking around and family dinner at night : long day it's gonna be XD

oh yeah! i'm going to Jia Wen's house on sunday (x which means like a total high possibility i'll get to go east coast! =D FINALLY. just love that place. ever single bit of that place, i love. haha. i can't wait wait wait for sunday. i just hope there'll be time for me to go over to East Coast. afterall i think it's only a 5minute walk from their house -gosh do i wish i lived there-

hehe. i'm gonna cycle and cycle cycle cycle if i can! XD all the way to the end beach, rock 28 (: i like that place. really peaceful. and i'll just like on the hot sand and let the sunlight pierce my skin -hehs. dream come true. one of my ten happy things (:-

yup yup yup. gotta sleep like NOW! (x it's late. hehs. goodnight.

'minjun, read this'.

gosh minjun. i've got enough of seeing you tear yourself down. i hate looking at you shred yourself into pieces every single day. and you do all these to yourself for one person. i just think it's absolutely not worth it. it's not like you're the only one. i wake up everyday to find my eyes hurting, find the same old sharp piercing pain in them like someone stabbed them with a spear, hard and deep.

the way you tear yourself down every damned day is too useless. you don't realise that it actually hurts everyone around you do you? at least those who really care...

girl, i'm not expecting you to shut away every single memory. i don't expect you to erase him from your mind and pretend he never existed. that's plain juvenile. but holding on to what memories there are less is no better my dear. sure, you were happy. but how happy? in that few days, tell me how many times would you lock yourself in the toilet and cry your lungs out? or how many times did you cry yourself to sleep? if you were to say, my dear minjun, that you were truly happy, i can put my hand on my ass and safely say you are definitely lying. without a bloody doubt.

and as i've said. i don't need you to throw away the memories and keep trying to convince yourself it never happened. cause that would be almost impossible and purely stupid. keep the memories for all i care, but accept it as past for heaven's sake. accept the fact that what's done is done and that you can't exactly turn the clock back. geez. it's not like you didn't have s ay in the whole big situation my dear. you made your choice... there's a once, maybe a second. i believe there shouldn't be a third. and so what if there is a third time? what if there isn't? are you gonna wait for something that might never come forever? i think not...

today i just watched the way you sat pathetically on the bus crying your bloody eyes out. i wanted to stand in front of you, point my finger into your damned face and laugh. the way you treat yourself is sad really... have some self-pride girl. yes, he may have taken away all he could have but he sure ain't gonna take away your life girl. your spirit. your soul. it's still all your's. and you're just chucking it out.

i don't expect you to bloody hate him. or pretend you never knew him. but look, he wasn't made for you and you do still know he can be one hell of a great friend... there are reasons for everything that has happened, i believe. and there is definitely a perfect reason for what has...

so girl, stop tearing yourself down and throwing your life away and being a loser. why can't you get a grip of yourself and have some self-pride for once. move on with your life. you know you can...

you weren't the only one who fell hard. i got up my girl, and i'm waiting for you. so if you'd just reach out for my hand and take it, i'd lead you out of this tunnel. it ain't that difficult because i've made it and i've walked back in just to get you out. so please, take my hand...


sometimes, schizophrenic talk does the best help to one.

'i need to get something spastic'.

i destroyed yan tze's present. totally. sigh. i want to go to ikea tomorrow, after band. but i will have to lug mister yea's painting together with me, plus i'm gonna have to go alone. which is boring. and i don't know how to get there fast without spending too much money. sigh.

i don't wanna go alone )x but who'll accompany my so far damnit?

sigh. it's late. i better get some sleep. i'm gonna die in class tomorrow...

moving on finally (: i hope it's not some randome phase and some random words. i mean it. i hope i pull through...

'what else can i say?'

i wasted my night away. was supposed to do the debate script. but i have NO IDEA what to do as the first speaker of the opposition team... yup.

my head's feeling heavy. i hope i fall sick by tomorrow morning. i don't want to go to school. i repeat: i don't want to go to school. i want to stay at home and sleep the day through...

i've lost enough of myself today. i better get some sleep before i do even more... but before i do, i'm gonna make sure this packet of gummies are done. i feel sick from the sugar but binging always works on me...

i'm sorry.

'nothing feels real'.

it's been so long but nothing feels real. i've been typing, i've been talking to people and yet every word that appears on the screen or slips off my tongue just doesn't seem right. well, at least everything i say about a certain someone doesn't seem right...

i know coping with lost isn't easy for anyone. but it's harder to think that the person's still living and walking and bloody hell kicking, but yet, almost seems as though the lost is so real that that one person doesn't seem existent anymore... like gone. forever. for good.

everything just seems so dreamy and so unreal that i would almost expect to feel a tap on my shoulder and find myself in his arms, staring into the sky, on a rooftop. still happy, alive and very much smiling. but as always, i wish too much... as though there's any possibility of it coming true.

'won't everything just return back to the way it used to be?'

i felt happy. felt. so i went to j8 and got myself a huge nice colourful packet of gummies from minitoons. i walked out of the shop, spent $3.05. but still, i was happy... i was almost bloody skipping as i walked to the bloody traffic light...

if only things like that didn't matter a shit to me. if only i could just shrug and pretend it didn't mean a thing. if only i was strong enough to do all these... if only i could bring back time... if only i could intervene with fate and make it so that i would never have met or meet you ever. but what the hell am i wishing about again? what the hell am i hoping for? a miracle? apparently so...

it's funny how something that once brought me the most happines can now bring me so much pain... so much that i can't even express. i can't say, i can't paint... i can't show this amount of emotion in anyway. so much is bottled up in me that i just wanna burst. but i can't let myself down, i can't give up... can i?

i wish i could shrug everything thats putting me down aside and make them not mean a thing... who's gonna care about what i wish though?

whatever it is. the next time i wish of something, i'm gonna be more specific. i'm not gonna kill and tear myself up again. i'm not gonna put myself in this horrid emotional state...

seems like distance and absence remains my only path... despite the change of the damned situation.

'give me an explanation please'.

playing mahjong. i'm not feeling on top of the world and so much for feative season and the fun of chinese new year. ha. god, save me for once. take away all my angpao but save me really.

i can't explain this. i have no idea why. it's just killing me and thats all i can go... i've never been so affected in my life. but i just feel like it's hammering this mortal body of mine and shattering every single bone and every single bit of soul in me. long story short, i feel dead and shattered, broken. and gosh i can't even convince myself it's not real...

ha. minjun, stop killing your bloody self and live for once...

'100th post'.

my cousins' and relatives are all over to gamble and have fun. i have no idea what i'm doing still here blogging but ehh... whatever xP

went to watch Ghost Rider today. spastic show. 10% entertainment value. 90% spastic. so don't waste your money like 26 people of my extended family did XD haha. it's a pure waste of time... don't don't don't watch it. really cheesy lines and all. ubless of course you're like some really bored person and you had nothing better to do =D yup.

okay. the guilts getting to me. my cousins crowding around me and all (: ha.

well, for now, self-deludes the best thing i can get... think its been a dream all along (: yup. thats the furthest. hardest. but the most i can do... for now, i mean afterall, Jessica isn't bothering to offer any sort of help. it's just let me. i'll walk this last stretch, fight this last battle...

'oh sure, all over again'.

ah yes. sitting in my cousins' house, blogging. parents' are gambling and i just played a horribly long long game of mahjong... blah. wasn't all that good but well, i won (: every now and then of course =D and yeah. thanks to the great help of Hon Teng (x haha. two brains are always better than one...

the breathing difficulty's coming all back again. the hurt. the thoughts, the damned irritating thoughts... yes. they all come flooding back into me. curse this feeling. i think it's about time i gain control, and for once, stop all these... feelings. afterall, i know i'm the only one standing here. on this empty spot here i stand, alone, praying. for what? i'm not even sure myself... i just wish for things so impossible. things i should have long locked away, away away from my mind. things of the past, but just a current fantasy. minjun, what the hell...


the little beggar girl watches the man walk away. she leans back onto the hard bricked wall behind her. she rests her tired head on it. she closes a eyes, and as if travelled back into time, she remembers the taste of the chocolate on her tongue. the smile the man carried on his face as he handed the bulk of aluminium to her... gosh was such a taste so heavenly.

and as if being brought back, no, snatched back into real life, her eyes spring open. a drop of rain lands on her bare legs... as the raindrops fall ever so fast, she leans back again and closes her eyes. maybe if she just lived in the memories, in her own land, everything so pain would disappear and go away. for once... just maybe.

Come What May ost of Moulin Rouge:

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather,
And stars may collide
But I love you (I love you)
Until the end of time(until the end of time)

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, Oh I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

'like a little irritating kid'.

ahh. just back from bai-nianing and all (: eee. received a horridly small amount of angpaos... oh well (: it's not supposed to matter though. supposedly. i wore my brown bubble dress together with my platforms and white pvc belt today! ha. my aunts that i hadn't seen for a year were like 'minjun?! minjun! where is minjun?!... oh! you're minjun! couldn't recognise you...' -.- ironic thinking that my ex-classmates said i changed the least...

played Taboo with my cousins of my mum's side. haha. had a lot of fun =D i like scored 6 points, surprisingly. and Yan Tze -thank god- didn't give us anymore of her funny describtions... was looking at the old photos of my aunts, uncles and my mum, when they were younger. geez. unfortunately, i look horribly alike my mum. -shudders- it's kind of creepy...

i'm going jogging later =D my sis is accompanying me... i need the workout. geez. this time, i'm gonna warm-up and drink less. i don't want the stitches to stop me from going on AGAIN.

there's something about my Grandpa's house. i don't know... a presence. it keeps overwhelming me with this feeling... makes me feel very upset. it kind of scares me actually... and it creates these thoughts that cling onto my mind like a little irritating child would do to his mother. gosh. if i can, i'm gonna find all ways to avoid going back there...

'Happy Chinese New Year'.

ahh. reunion dinner was boring! )x the food wasn't that great but oh well... meeting my cousins was nice (: but the only thing they did the whole night was watch stupid Kungfu Hussle. urghs. so boring. wanted to play Taboo but everyone was preoccupied so oh well... just sat and talked with Yan Tze =D

haha but a lot of stupid things happen lah. like Yan Tze and i decided to take out the Taboo cards to guess a few words. then one of the words was 'vein' and she describe it as 'when someone is angry this thing buldges. it's something very long part of the...' and then before she could complete, she and i bursted out in horrible fits of laughter.

never knew i could feel something so strong... but of course there's a first time for everything.

'listen to my thoughts screaming please, hear me'.

'happily ever after'. what a superficial ending. a surperficial thought... i don't like the fact that people actually think, kid themselves into thinking, happily ever after is possible. it's so agitating to think people do... and it's so agitating that it isn't possible. it's even more saddening to think that you and i weren't happily ever after...

jessica, i need you now. i need you to bring me courage, to bring me that one bold side in me, so that i can say all i have to say. so that i can cry, without any shame, in his face and tell him all i have to. so that i can stand in front of him, falling into his arms, once again. so that i can look him in the eye and not have the thought of turning away. jessica, where are you when i need you? why aren't you here for me?... you all said you'd me here when i needed you, where are you? where are any of you?

jessica, i need you.

there's so much i think i need now... is it needing or just simply wanting?

'fourth post'.

my sis asked me today, if i have a problem and why i blog so much, or more or less, all the time =X HAHA. i have no idea and i don't think i have a problem! so whatever she said... heck. i'm gonna ignore it and post my fourth post of the day (: here goes:

i'm still as freaking high as ever. not high in the laugh laugh laugh sense. more of the in a big big big daze type of high. floaty and all. thinking too much and all.. yeah. that type of high. haha. actually, i don't think i have much to say... oh well =D

Happy Ending by Avril Lavinge:

Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh)
Oh oh, oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread (Breakable thread)

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted (I wanted)
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it (We lost it)
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Oh, oh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted (I wanted)
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Oh, oh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oh, hh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh Oh Oh

yeah. as in the above... it seems as though everything was a pretence. and yeah, thanks. it's good to know that i was lied to... at least what i know of makes everything a lie. either way, whether things have been honest all along, you lied, or still are lying.

and for everything, i hate you... no, i love you. no, i don't. i hate you i hate you i hate you... gosh. why can't i just manage to convince myself?

rants of a high and emotional person isn't always the best to read...

'no more threats'.

aha. i drank like 1/3 of a bottle of Hoegarden Beer (: my mum gave it to me. haha. yay =D i feel like extremely high and at the same time, tired and... sticky and sweaty and warm. hehs. but i like the beers. i've been craving for beer the whole whole whole day. and finally! (: hee! XD

and you know what? now i can drink drink drink drink drink without having anyone to threaten me with threats so hurtful =X and i'm happy. the fact that i don't have to be threatened of course... okay. fine. something in me isn't that happy either.

when i was high... i used to have someone to call. i used to have someone to listen to my mad laughter over the phone. i had someone there for me... joshua was right, haha. so what if he didn't reply my sms? it's not like i have anyone to sms anymore... haha. at least not frequently.

geez. i wanna scream.

Everything Burns by Anastacia feat. Ben Moody:

[Anastacia:]
She sits in her corner
Singing herself to sleep
Wrapped in all of the promises
That no one seems to keep
She no longer cries to herself
No tears left to wash away
Just diaries of empty pages
Feelings gone astray
But she will sing

[Chorus ~ Ben Moody & Anastacia:]
'Till everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate and all of this pain
Burning all down as my anger reigns
Everything burns

[Anastacia:]
Ohh

[Ben Moody:]
Walking through life unnoticed
Knowing that no one cares
To consume and then masquerade
No one sees her there
And still she sings

[Chorus ~ Ben Moody & Anastacia:]
'Till everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate and all of this pain
Burning all down as my anger reigns

[Ben Moody & Anastacia:]
Everything burns
Everything burns
Everything burns
Everything burns

Watching it all fade away
Everyone screams
Everyone screams
Watching it all fade away
Ohhhh

Everything burns
Everyone screams
Burning down lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate and all of this pain
Burning all down as my anger reigns
Everything burns

Ohhoh
Everything burns
Watching it all fade away
Ahh
Everything burns
Watching it all fade away

'one more thing to add'.

i figured i have left out a one thing that i haven't tried out of the list of my 10 happy things... and it was only, only today that i realised how much i missed out.

i returned to aitong today. met a few of my ex-classmates... some of which still are a lot like assholes. some of which have grown into nice gentlemen and really decent people. haha. they were all guys that i met by the way... all the girls had either left or weren't coming back. so yup (x

went to the bandroom and hung around for a while, watching the little kids run around... then after, joshua, alvin, jinjun and i took mr yea's car to thomson plaza. all of us set down for a drink and sort... went home around 5+ bah.

ahh. it was like drizzling lah. thank god it wasnt pouring or anything but god do i like running the rain -never really tried it before- haha. strange enough, it was the only thing that made my day. and that's what i'm adding to my list of things that make me happy... because as i ran and ran and ran, i must have looked stupid with a bloody freaking smile on my face. haha.

damn. i love the rain (:


you're right. you're really really right... i'll try really hard, to make sure that i won't let my life be so screwed up. i won't let this go on... god. i have to start living alright XD

'feeling of want'.

aha. i realised i should learn to ban myself from certain thoughts... the more i think the more they come flooding back into my mind )x shoo shoo shoo! go aways you evil things. i don't want you coming anywhere near me. please.

eee. i very tired. gonna sleep soon =D oh well. let me post a rather outdated song lyric first (x for the fun of it... yup.

My Love by Westlife:

An empty street
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone
The rooms are getting smaller (smaller)

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had
The songs we sang together (Oh yeah)

And, oh, my love
I'm holding on forever
Reaching for a love that seems so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again
My love
Overseas from coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again
My love

I try to read
I go to work
I'm laughing with my friends
But I can't stop to keep myself from thinking (Oh no)

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had
The songs we sang together (Oh yeah)

And, oh, my love
I'm holding on forever
Reaching for a love that seems so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again
My love
Overseas from coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again...

To hold you in my arms
To promise you, my love
To tell you from my heart
You're all I'm thinking of

I'm reaching for a love that seems so far
So...

So, I say a little prayer (So... yeah, yeah)
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again
My love
Overseas from coast to coast (Overseas)
To find the place I love the most (Love the most)
Where the fields are green
To see you once again
My love

I say a little prayer (My sweet love)
My dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue (Oh yeah)
To see you once again (Oh, my love)
Overseas from coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again
My love

this beautiful lyric-ed song has been repeating in my head ever since i heard it half a day ago. haha. had to post it (: just one of my weird traits =D

'the greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return'.

a beautiful phrase of The Moulin Rouge. haha. something stucked with me for life. i will never never forget it because somehow, although i may or may not have truly been loved -something i'll never know will i xP LOL- i think it is so real. it's so... honest.

haha. yeah, retail theraphy did help. but still, my mind is still half preoccupied with issues -usual things- other than clothes and looks. haha...

makes me wonder of so many things. maybe things i'll never know, or never will be told... well, which idiot would come and tell you out of the blue -unless you grow skin as thick as an elephant's and get the guts to ask- that he had truly loved you once before, or still does? who would? i mean, guys are like thick idiots =X they don't do such things do they? XD haha.

i hate being kept in the dark... damn do i wish i was an elephant. or at least, i wish i had think skin and i had no shame of being rejected, ignored, turned-away... whatever. i just wish i had had, have, the guts )x


haha. i look back to yesterday and i thought: hm... if one were to ask me when i had my saddest vday, '2007' would forever, probably, remain as my answer. aha. i mean... it wasn't like fatally horrible but it was saddening )x i didn't get all i wanted or expected... maybe i dream too much i guess. maybe i hope too much. maybe i just never learn to let go of the impossible. maybe i imagine too much. maybe. maybe not. but gosh, did i really really really want to hear so much more...

vday was a disappointment this year. you were a disappointment this year...

'retail therapy helps'.

i'm feeling rather happy (: haha. i finally completed like all the shopping for chinese new year clothes! i bought -let's do a total count-: a blue tank top, a flared out mini denim skirt, a pair of dark dark dark -almost black- blue jeans, a punk star tee, a brown bubble dress, a white thick belt and finally a pair of nice strappy AMERICAYA platform shoes! =D yay.

yeah. i went shopping with Wei Qin today (: that lovely woman accompanied me to Bugis Street to get my dress and jeans. she got herself a pair of jeans too ehh XD black ones. i got myself a dark blue pair... ha (: and the dress! haha. the woman selling the dress was so eager to get it out of her hands -i don't want to know why =X- she gave me a discount! a great one =D from $50 bucks she cut it to $38. without me asking... she offered. LOL strange right? actually suspicious.. but argh. heck.

so i got the belt along with it. AND i went to join my mum at Bugis Junction while Wei Qin amet my bro and went of to find HIS clothes... went to try a lot a lot of shoes. finally went to Americaya, where i bumped into dearest Ms Wang, and bought my nice strapy platforms (: they cost 50 bloody bucks though =X ha.

oh yes. i'm feeling really happy too cause the woman who sold me the dress was asking me in chinese about Wei Qin, 'your sister ar?' no. 'huh? really?'. yes, do we look alike? 'haha. no lah. it's just that you two like very close, the bond is obviously there... you act like two sisters so i thought so lor.' haha okay. i could help but smile... gave me this heartwarming feeling inside. it kinda made me happy through the day. till this very moment, thinking of it makes me smile. haha. i love Wei Qin (: hee.

hehs. i love the effect retail theraphy has on me =D

'i fell hard and deep, pick me up please'.

i was just thinking and i realised that i've always been this way. since young. i've never been a person who could forget and let go very well... i always beared grudges when i was a child. and i always remember unfortunate and unhappy memories. and it just happens that i, sadly, have not changed a single bit. and unfortunately, i don't see any positive lookout on this. doubt i ever will...

it's about time i learn. but picking such a 'skill' up now isn't going to be easy, i know. it's going to be extremely hard actually... and my angel, watch over me, guide me. please. i need you to hold my hand and lead the way. i've fell and this time, harder than ever. i kind of jumped off actually. i fell on my own accord... but now i beg of you to pick me up and help me stand up back onto my feet and lead me back to living...

i want to let go of all these feelings. i want to let go of all these memories. i want to pretend as though everything was a dream, a fantasy that i sickly made up in my mind... i want to be the psycho who hallucinated her life through.

everytime i find myself thinking back to what is now, nothing. i ask myself why the hell i still dream. i ask myself what i'm hanging on to exactly. i ask why i do this to myself...

Fallen by Sarah Mclachlen:

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I have held so dear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one misstep one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

pull me up from this mess that i willingly plopped myself into.

'there's more to this isn't there?'

to start of with, thanks everyone for all the roses, flowers -fake and real alike- and chocolates and sweets! you lovely people are just so great. hehs. thanks thanks thanks again.

joshua the shrink called me just now (: haha. thank you mister for actually bothering to spend your free time on making a phonecall to me. hehe. you made my day a whole lot brighter, so thanks. of course, though, there is your sacarsm that i have to get used to, again... kinda forgot how you're like =X oh well. but as always, i've said -i have havent i?- sometimes, well, you just happen to meet some people who somehow play a special role in your life and somehow you just relate to them in a way you can't to anyone else and they just brighten your day when you talk to them, no matter what they say, most of the time. and haha, thanks shrink! =D

oh well, today for band we shifted out onto the porch. and the sun -the one beautiful thing- came shining in upon us. ha. it gave me a nice tan (: well, but as the sun shone in on my skin and turned it a pinkish colour, a leaving a burning sensation behind, i couldn't help but smile. i always loved the sun... and then an airplane flew past, and another and another... i swear i wasn't hallucinating. and only then did i realise, i miss east coast so much, at least the memory of east coast...

and then i closed my eyes, attempted to throw myself into the music, but i felt as if i was kicked off to the stars. the sun on my skin, the airplanes in the sky... everything felt so... familiar. everything felt so real. and as i closed my eyes, i could almost float back to months ago. i felt safe. well, at least for that short while... and when i opened my eyes, yeah, i could almost cry but at the same time there was this strain in my cheeks i could't deny...

i smiled.

'happy valentine's day'.

i just finished my math. a hell load of questions that i owe Mrs Ang there... so i bargained my dad into logging-in to the com for me. i only have 5 minutes so here goes:

i'm freaking tired, first of all. i think i'll be sleeping soon.. but i need to blog (x haha. yes, say i'm addicted to blogging. whatever, i don't deny =X

yeah. Happy Valentine's Day! a day of love. a special day to commemorate -commemorate?- love and tell your special one/s how much you love them -though you should more often than just anually- and shower your love all over them (: thus this is the day that many many many people look forever to, so as to spend one lovely day with their special someone/s. haha. so to all people/friends/lovebirds out there, enjoy this one special day!

haha. funny how i was looking forward to this day before... well, not anymore XD nothing to look forward to about it now anyway. hee (:

ahh. there's band tomorrow. and i've gotta really really really sleep soon... i don't like wish to fall asleep when the practice gets boring. but okay okay. let me complete this. first.

ha. i don't know if it's the accesive math -too much for me at least- or the food or because it's valentine's day but: i feel sick. as usual. same thing... nauseous. headache. eyes hurt... my neck hurts now too. my arms hurt. practically, my whole body aches. and i feel really really nauseous... or maybe just empty. i don't know... i hope i'll make it to school tomorrow. i figured i don't really like staying at home all that much anymore, well, at least i feel that band's a whole lot more fun than dazing at home =D

haha. so oh well... happy valentine's day, dear people! (: and Jessica too =D -ha. i realised she's my closest loved one =X- may you have a really good day today. enjoy it and remember it -thats if it's good of course-

tell your love one how much you love them (:


i love you.

'everything's just a tiresome cycle'.

ahh. i just realised i not only spent a lot today, but i ate a lot. let's see... one bowl of wanton mee - $1.20, hello panda - $0.50, bottle of coke - $1.85, cheese fries - $1.20. a sad total of $4.05 )x haha. it's not a lot but i wish i hadn't spent that much =X i still owe my maid like 10 bucks, which i have no idea what i spent on. probably food bah...

oh and of course the sausage bun my dad just bought from ikea for me. i don't want to know how much fats all those could give me but yeah. i feel guilty. to think that chinese new year's coming =X AHHH. time to slim down you fat pig! sigh...

and so i go into this deep down foul mood... i'm sorry Zul and Prashan, maybe not anytime soon XD

my lyrics are repeating but i dont really care all that much... like anyone reads them.

Too Much To Ask by Avril Lavinge:

It's the first time I've ever felt this lonely
I wish someone could cure this pain
It's funny when you think it's gonna work out
'Til ya chose weed over me, you're so lame

I thought you were cool until the point
Up until the point
you didn't call me
When you said you would
Finally figured out you're all the same
Always coming up with some kind of story

Every time I try to make you smile
You're always feelin sorry for yourself
Every time I try to make you laugh,
You can't
You're too tough
You think you're loveless
Is that too much that I'm askin for?

Thought you'd come around when I ignored you
Sorta thought you'd have the decency to change
But babe, I guess you didn't take that warning
'Cause I'm not about, to look at your face again

Can't you see that you lie to yourself?
You can't see the world through a mirror....
It won't be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

But every time I try to make you smile
You always go on feeling sorry for yourself
Every time I try to make you laugh
You stand like a stone
Alone in your zone
Is that too much that I'm askin for?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Can't find where I am
Lying here
Alone in fear
Afraid of the dark
The one to claim
Alone again

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Can't you see that you lie to yourself?
You can't see the world through a mirror...
It won't be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

But every time I try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Every time I try to make you laugh
You can't
You're too tough
You think your loveless
It was too much that I asked him for

Avril avril avril... why does her name still bring a smile?

'i don't wanna fall no more'.

aha. just came back home from school. stayed back for a short debate debrief... walked home with Zul, Prashan, Abraham and Eugene. yup. nice people (: haha. alright alright, Prashan and Zul, i'll try to cope with the disappointment yeah? =D

oh god do i wish that Ms Sharmilah didn't catch ANYTHING we were talking about =X hehe. totally embarassing but OH WELL (: what could we do? she could have chose not have heard anything... hehs XD

ahhh. freaking bumped. i feel damn tired... and i still have tuition later. sigh. i'll just go through with it. afterall, i haven't completed my math and Mrs Ang wants it latest by tomorrow. boo )x and so i'll live with it... for now i will. or so i hope i will xP


maybe if i got my mind of things, the feel of lost would just fade slowly... the thing now is, how am i gonna manipulate my mind into doing so? i feel like i've already lost the battle, just losing my control...

If Tomorrow Never Comes by Ronan Keating:

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And a thought crosses my mind
If I never wake in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
She must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
She must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

well, one thing is that when you have too much to say to that someone you love, don't tell them. it'll just bore them... okay. so that was an excuse. but well, here's a saying from my experience: if you ever do want to tell them what you're thinking of if tomorrow never comes, be in a good mood. don't screw yourself up by saying nothing at all and letting everything slip away before, regretting forever... don't. be. me.

o'one could just lose memories'.

amazing how things just come and go so quickly. the speed of such is so amazing that, to some, the memories and events of which would not even matter... and it's times like these that you'd just wish the day was twice as long for the speed in which time flies just scares you. or even better, if we could pause time of a certain date and just relive that day forever, over and over again... now that would be pure bliss.

oh yeah. i was just thinking about ikea. i went there on sunday, before going off to the westwinds' concert. i liked that place once before... okay. so the food if still as nice as ever. but i don't like walking around that place anymore. it just doesn't make me feel the same feeling i used to. i used to enjoy going to ikea a lot. now everything is so cheap and so low qualitied... the place just isn't the way it was, to me, anymore...

tonight is one of those nights that i have a crazy will to cycle. yes, take note, of the word 'nights'. haha. i just love cycling in the night! i have stated that and i state it again... i wanna go to east coast and cycle. that place is really nice. and i haven't been there in rather long... say, 48 days? ehh (x yup. 48 days. or so i think. hehs. i wanna go to that place and cycle till my muscles snap or something. till my bike goes so fast that it starts flying into the sky... haha.

i like dreaming you see (: i practically lived in a dream for quite a rather long time... i got used to the feel. the feel of how everything just fell perfectly into place and went almost quite the way you wanted it... and becaue of that, now that i've woken up into reality, i'm not used to it anymore. the way i have to fight for what i want things to be like... haha. gosh, someone, put me back into that deep sleep i was in please =D

guide me. my angel, guide me...

'what a lie'.

my horoscope this month says that i can find any one with them and flirt with them and get them to love me in return. so spastic... i mean. what type of bloody horoscope reading is that? =X haha. i was like 'wuttt?' but oh well... so of what i read before was rather accurate...

sigh. i tried to do my math! i really really did. but i had no idea how to continue. couldn't do anymore... so i stopped half way through Exercise 7b. i more or less gave up. i really really do... i hope Mrs Ang will spare me. afterall Weiqin's coming tomorrow and she'll help me i hope (: and that way i can finally hand in everything. finally finally.

chinese new year is nearing with everyday and yet i have not bought all my clothes )x i need to get a pair of jeans! any type which looks nice will do lah. and then either a dress or that plain-white esprit top. the beautiful sexy thing... haha. it's actually just round necked and really really plain, capped sleeves, length is all the way to the hips... but it's so. phew-wew. it looks damn good =D i like.

aha. in that case, if i am in such a flirting streak, why don't i go flirt up a guy who'd spend a fortune on me on valentine's day? haha... on the other hand, nah. as one would always say: valentine's day is to be spent with the one's you truly love.

'tell me the truth when you lie okay?'

i finished dinner just now. and i still feel horribly bloated. i ate this egg omelette and some tofu and rice. yeah. no fibre. i know i know... it's just that i hate vegetables. urghs. except for some... the green ones are gross =X blah. they're bitter and... green. hahs.

i feel like i really need to puke all over again... and that isn't really very good. isn't nearly close to good. haha. i have this whole stack of math work, which i do not know how to do, to complete. thinking of it makes me sicker... i have to hand it in by tomorrow or else my mum will receive a call from Mrs Ang. thank my luck (: yay. let's all rejoice for my head will be landing on a plate tomorrow... let's start planning the party now yeah?

who the heck do i want to go on lying to? why the hell am i even lying? jessica's influence? am i lying to jessica and myself? was there even a jessica?... i'm so confused. i'm so lost. oh gosh, when i die and go to heaven, will someone send a messenger to guid me to the gates.

'nothing seems to work'.

this afternoon, after school, before band, i went to cheers and bought the huge packet of yupi gummies. the one with many smaller packeted gummies in it. i bought the hamburger ones. they only had those. but it was $1.40 for that huge packet. i thought i was worth it (:

and so i ate ate ate. i ate some before band. went to teach bao'er and came out and ate ate ate somemore. i felt sick half way through eating... but yet i felt hungry? nah. empty? yup... i felt empty. thats the word. i thought that maybe if i ate more it could go away. it didn't. but i tried again...

i opened the tao kae noi packet at home. and i stuffed myself all over again. so maybe binging doesn't work to fill me. but it makes me feel slightly better. slightly bloated. slightly less dreamy... slightly less dead. and that's why i'm off to dinner now (: hehs. bye.

'i can't find the words'.

i have never felt so manipulated. so used... i feel like such a bloody fool! i can't believe i actually managed to trick myself into what i wanted to believe. what i wanted to see. what i wanted to hear. what i wanted to know... it was all this illusion i brought onto myself.

always, i felt like i was floating on your wings, tight around me, keeping me safe and warm. keeping me afloat. keeping me happy and secure. and then, today, finally, i opened my eyes awide and realised i was kidding myself. instead of floating, i was falling hard and deep, 90 miles an hour. i was falling so fast, i was gonna crash into the ground. the pressure could kill anyone... but yet, with my eyes closed, everything was different. everything was still a dream.

i see that all along, i've been holding on the a rope which i thought would keep me from falling. well, i just realised, the rope was never there. it was a creation of my hope. it was more like a deception actually...

let me re-new the story of the little girl:

there was this little beggar. she was starved and weak. her frame was rather frail, her spine, without a doubt, indeed very visible. her clothes were just yellow rags draped over her shoulders. she was so weak she could die. she had almost no energy at all to lift her head, to sit upright. all she could afford was to rest all of what was left of her on the bricked wall behind her, the walls of the alley.

her eyes drooped, and she clutched her chest. she could barely breathe. this is it she thought. and then a pair of legs stood before her. a well-dressed man, black trousers, polished shoes... she regained her composure. as she took all her energy to lift her head, she began to breathe again. and she let out a tiny little smile, the biggest of which she could afford to give, as she watch the man open his pocket and slip out a bar of chocolate. she had seen those shiny foils in the windows of the shops, but this time, she held it in her had and peeled of the shiny bits. inside held a brown semi-solid object. as she bit on it, her bites got bigger and bigger, and soon, everything melted into her mouth, leaving only a sweet taste.

she looked up at the man and smiled, this time wider. her eyes were wide and begging for more. she stared at the man very intently but he nodded and turned away, taking slow steps. her heart crumbled together with her hopes. her shoulders drooped lower than before. she opened her mouth and finally screamed for him.

this time, he stopped and slowly her turned around, looking at her with pity in his eyes. he took sturdy steps back to her. and as he stepped in front of her, she licked her lips. she watched him slide his hand ever so gently into his pocket and pull out yet another magical chocolate bar. she reached out her boney fingers for the silver foil. and just as her fingertips brushed against the mental surface, a little pudgy girl ran over and tugged at the man's pants.

he turned around and exclaimed with so much joy in his voice, with that he bent down, the chocolate bar still firmly in his grip, and picked his daughter up, swinging her over his shoulders. the beggar sat from her position and stared, chrestfallen at the man... he slowly unfolded the foil and slipped the chocolate bar, bit by bit, into his daughter's mouth, who then threw her arms around his neck as he stepped away from the alley.

the beggar girl watched his silhouette fade away. tears in her eyes, she didn't call out, she didn't scream... she was convinced that was nothing she could do anymore. that was it. oh yes this is it.


there. my story's done.

you know, you once said you'd be here when i needed you... where the hell are you? i'm searching and searching, i don't see you anywhere near... was those words a lie or was everything else too?


i still want to be preoccupied on the night of valentine's day. but what am i dreaming of? why am i dreaming and hoping for something impossible?

'again and again and again...'

this is impossible impossible impossible. i'm utterly upset upset upset. and when i'm terribly horribly irritatingly upset i happen to repeat repeat repeat my words because it makes me feel slightly slightly slightly better... i want to scream. i want to cry myself blind. i can't believe what i see. i want to die...

oh gosh. let me die now now now.

Lovefool by Cardigans:

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know
And maybe there is nothing that I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought to stick to another man
A man that surely deserves me, but I think you do

So I cry, and I pray, and I beg

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me

So I cry and I pray for you to

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lately I have desperately pondered
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way to make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care as long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray, and I beg

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you (anything but you)

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, I know that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

maybe if i just cried myself to sleep the pain will all slip out of me as the tears do too... i'd like that to happen. oh yes, i would would would.

my stomach's turning inside out. my heart's pounding. i can't breathe. chest hurts. i feel like i need to puke... and yet i still have to tell myself, all these doesn't matter anymore and it shouldn't.

oh gosh. who the hell am i trying to lie to?

'what if'.

i went to watch the west winds concert today. hehs. nice good music. mr leow as cute as ever XD jinjun did well =D yup. and the whole band played rather well too (: concert well done!

haha. there was this guy who proposed to his girlfriend of 11 years. it was so so sweet. and it was just so much to envy about... i mean that guy. what was his name? Winston? yeah. he like took so much just to get on his knees and propose. an action so sincere and so much courage involved... i envy him.

where does one get so much courage from? why have i none of such?... well, at least not enough.

valetine's day is a day, i've been told, to be spent with the one you love.

'where is the love?'

ahhh. i shall just bloody hell forget about sleep for now. i'm feeling this huge waves of emotions hitting my face... i shall just blog blog blog through the night if i really had to.

okay. fine. maybe i don't have much to blog about. but here is lyrics to a song i just played.

Fly Me To The Moon by Frank Sinatra:

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like on
Jupiter and Mars

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby, kiss me

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing forever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing forever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true
In other words
In other words
I love you

Where Is The Love by Olivia:

Where is the love
Where is the love
Where is the love
Where is the love
where is the love

you said you'll give to me
as soon as you were free
will it ever be

where is the love
you told be you didn't love him
and you were going to say goodbye
but if you really didn't mean it
why did you have to lie

where is the love
you said you said is mine
all mine till the end of time
was it just a lie

where is the love
if you had had a change of heart
i wish you would have told me so
don't leave me hanging on the promises
you've got to let me know

where is the love
you said is mine
all mine till the end of time
was it just a lie

where is the love
oh how i wish i never met you
i guess it must have been my fate
to fall in love with someone else's love
all i can do is wait

where is the love
where is the love
where is the love
where is the love
where is the love
where is the love

i wrote those lyrics out by myself. from listening to the song and then... yah. you got me.

i love the title. i just love love love it.

sigh.

'jealousy can kill'.

i really wanted to sleep and just turn off the com when i NEEDED to really blog.

i think it's stupid how i'm such a freaking jealous person. of everything, i get jealous. so much so that i almost end up on the verge of tears at the end of the day. end up all nauseous and giddy. headache and all... so much for being a scorpio. the jealousy trait in me was somehow, one way or another, magnified by a 1000 times. i hate it. i hate me.

i'm feeling like shit. my head aches. my stomach feels empty. i feel nauseous actually... tears keep coming to me. i feel like i'm going to fall to the floor any anytime. my eyes actully HURT.

the best part of it all is that i have no valid reason to be feeling this way. no not the physical stuff... the emotional. the jealousy and all. i don't have the right to be feeling this way. because what i'm brooding over has absolutely, almost, nothing to do with me. and yet, somehow, i'm giving every chance for it to tear me. stupid it may be... i can't help it. even if i wished hard...

lets not even get on about wishes. i don't think they even should be an actual word. for what are wishes for? to dream dream dream and then tear a person's hopes up? like how you'd watch the flames turn a book into black power ash and not do anything? yes, just like that...

i tell myself to get over it. if only there was a button to press so i'd just listen. if only i were a robot with buttons all over, i wouldn't have to feel. i wouldn't have to cry... i wouldn't have to lose.

most of all, i wouldn't love. anything. anyone. you.

'i don't like falling'.

i'm feeling damn tired and sleepy and all. i think i'll sleep soon. for now, let me blog first (:

ahh. i hate hate hate falling. i don't like it one tiny bit. i hate feeling the pain, the tingling sensation through your wound. feeling that little bit of restiction when you try to use the area that you hurt during the fall. i hate having to get up all over again, and this time, with a limp and all... i hate having to wait to fully recover. i hate the fact that there might be a permanant scar.

oh gosh. how long is this going to take to heal? i hate this pain. go go go away.

alright. i'm done blogging. off i go to sleep (:

'true'.

went out the whole day. later in the afternoon went to vivo. again. looked around. i didn't get anything... was planning to get a dress and all but. nah. anyway, everytime i actually go to that place... i don't like the feeling i get. i don't know. i just feel strangely, sad. i don't like the burger king there... i don't like how we have to drive through town a lot just to get there. we have to go pass suntec, fullerton... i simply don't like memories.

i'm feeling empty. and i've got enough of beating my brains, just trying to find words to express these horrid mix of feelings in me. so i decided. nah. i'll let lyrics do the job. read if you care to.

True by Ryan Canberra:

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

i'd see a closer relation if i was living in the past. or more like, if i could go back and live in the past. that'd be nice.

Crawling Back To You by Backstreet Boys:

Everybody Knows
That I was such a fool
To ever let go of you
And baby I was wrong
And yeah I know I said
We'd be better off alone
It was time that we moved on
I know I broke your heart
I didn't mean to break your heart

[Chorus]
But baby here I am
Bangin' on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised
And I'm crawlin' back to you
Beggin' for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was runnin' from the truth
And now I'm crawlin' back to you

I know you're in there
And you can make me wait
But I'm not gonna wait
It's the least that I could do
Just to tell you face to face
I was lyin' to myself
Now I'm dyin' in this hell
Girl I know you're mad
Well I can't blame you for bein' mad

[Chorus]
But baby here I am
Bangin' on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised
And I'm crawlin' back to you
Beggin' for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was runnin' from the truth
And now I'm crawlin' back to you

If you could see these tears I'm cryin'
Touch these hands that can't stop shakin'
Hear my heart that's barely beatin'
You would see a different man


But baby here I am
Bangin' on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised

And I'm crawlin' back to you
Beggin' for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was runnin' from the truth
Now I'm crawlin' back to you
Bangin' on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
I was runnin' from the truth
Now I'm crawlin' back to you

Oh yeah
Crawlin' back to you
Crawlin' back to you
Crawlin' back to you

oh yeah. sadly, i'm still dateless on valentine's day. well, weiqin insist on me having tuition. still. i don't care, i'm gonna find a way out of it. even if it meant i would be still staying at home. tuition is the last thing i need on valentine's day... i still wish i could kid myself into thinking i'd want anyone on that day. if i did say so, if was and will be, still, a lie.

the last thing i'd ever doubt is this.

'boy, things change fast eh?'

oh gosh am i tired. ha. had one hell of a bad day... oh well. band was torturous, to start off with. oh god. it almost killed me. sigh. and then debate... we lost. but i have to say that our speakers were G-O-O-D! it was an unfair judgement really... and i'm not being sore here. i mean it.

i'm in a daze now. like how i felt in thailand or when we departed from school to thailand on 29th november 2006. haha. i'm all... dreamy. horribly dreamy. well, don't blame me, nothing has gone the way i wanted things to the WHOLE damned day. and i feel broken. i'm trying to register this pain... hehs.

amazes me how people, things, situations change. maybe even feelings... and i'm not one who adapts very quickly to changes around me. and i'm breaking. i don't like this... i don't like ANY of these. and that's when i just wish i could fly fly fly back to the past. now.

'how much?'

my shrink called me just now. at 9+ and i was having tuition... if only i had picked up. if only i got to really talk to him. i really miss the way he would just make me happier, anyday, anytime. so long as he was talking, i was laughing... god. do i miss that friend in him. for now, this very moment, it's exactly all i need... or not.

this feeling of confusion, insecurity, doubt is all flooding back in one complete wave. it's hitting me hard in the face and i don't know if i can just ignore it this time. the feelings come back, different though. the situation's changed. like a lot of other things have...

i don't know what i see. i don't know what i feel. i don't know what i say. i don't know what i hear. i don't know what i think. i don't know anything about myself right now, i just live on in a complete daze. i always have haven't i? maybe, just maybe, i'm finally waking up... maybe.

naomi was right. and i was wrong... about myself.

how much more do i have to give to bring back everything? how much more? tell me, i'll give anything...

'let me free'.

i just finished chinese tuition. and i feel so in the mood to run. i want to run, free, alone. now. at this time, in the darkness, in the cold. i want to run run run, let my legs burn, let my muscles ache. i don't care. i just want to run and feel the breaking of the air. i want to feel free and relaxed. i want to let go of everything... i want to, figuratively and literally speaking, run.

oh well... back to the events of the day: i didn't get the first speaker of the debate. it didn't really affect me REALLY. it's just that i feel like i let myself down, one way or another... something in me just can't seem to forgive myself for the way i screwed up real bad. something in me is telling myself that i could have done so much better if i had tried. but oh well, Carmina deserved it bad! (: and she sure got it. so yeah, good luck to the speakers of tomorrow! good luck Carmina, Min Yi and Erica! =D you guys rock. and will always...

hehs. i'm playing the role of a reserve. take down notes for them and argument points. sigh. i don't want to cause the lost of the team. i'm gonna really really open up my ears and filter all the un-argumentable points of the opposition away and take down ALL loop-holes. yes, bias i know but hehe (x i don't really care anymore...

oh yes. for tuition, i read this compo written by a fourteen year-old, title 'my troubles at the age of fourteen' or so as translated by me =X hehe. anyway, the compo was bullshit. it was about this guy getting all troubled by the encouraging words of studies from his mum and teachers because he knows the expect a lot from him. and his duties of a class monitor also trouble him deeply...

i swear that these people have nothing better to do but get worked up over things liked these! geez. his life sounds almost perfect to EVEN have these things to 'worry' about... there are so much more things to worry about in my life. things in which rarely apply in my peers' lives. and i'm rather sure about that...

okay enough. ha. dang i want want want to run.

Turn Me On by Norah Jones:

Like a flower
Waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb
In a dark room
I'm just sittin' here
Waiting for you
To come on home
And turn me on

Like the desert
Waiting for the rain
Like a school kid
Waiting for the spring
I'm just sittin' here
Waiting for you
To come on home
And turn me on

My poor heart
It's been so dark
Since you've been gone
After all you're the one who turns me off
But you're the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice-cubes
I'm just sittin' here
Waiting for you
To come on home
And turn me on
Turn me on

haha. interesting song. makes sense.. but something i wouldn't even dream of singing! xP haha. but you should try to catch it, worth listening to. Norah Jones is rather good i have to say =D

'i'm done'.

i finally finally finally finished my debate script! YESSS! hehs. i hope i don't screwup hopelessly tomorrow, again. or it'll be a simple waste of my time and all... boo. and i didn't bring back my english comprehension book to do the work. ms lee is gonna kill me kill me kill me... as always (x

ehh. it's like damn late. i feel very, unresultful? shit. what was that word... argh. sorry. i'm just rather stone after planning the debate script eh. hehs.

i'm growing utterly disgustingly fat. i can't wear a tube top without LOOKING fat. sob sob )x i must stop stop stop binging. oh god do i hate the way i open packets and packets of food and just stuff them into my mouth when i feel down and all... haha. like what i did in Thailand and Joshua -i doubt it was only him but he was the only one who expressed his thoughts outrightly- was totally disgusted with the amount of gummies/snacks i bought. haha did i tell you that i spent around... 700 bahts++ on food. whatever the amount, i know it ALMOST came up to 1000. it was scary lah...

yeah. fatness. eeew.

off to stone (x bye!

'beautifully broken'.

today was like the first day i have ever, in my life, walked from j8 to my house. it wasn't a really long distance. neither was the bus wait a long time. i have no idea why i walked. it beats me till now... bus 54 came right after i took about 10 steps out of the bus stop. i didn't bother to turn around... i needed the walk. i wanted the walk. i had no idea why. i still don't actually... but i know Jessica does.

i walked pass bishan 800. i walked pass raffles instituition. i walked pass raffles junior college. i walked pass the industrial buildings. and all the while, i kept hearing a voice in my head asking what the hell i was doing. why i was walking when i could have bloody took the bus and get back home 20 minutes earlier. the voice told me there must have been a reason why i had to walk the ruote i walked... i told it that i just needed exercise and other than that, i had no bloody idea why i was walking. i just liked it. the voice laughed softly. the laugh was familiar, it was Jessica's.

not long after, after i passed the traffic junction, Jessica whispered about how she knew why i was walking. she claimed there was a reason to why i was walking and tiring myself out even more. Jessica said it was the same reason as to why i'm doing everything else... she chuckled and asked if i wanted to know. Jessica sounded as though she was absolutely right with her silly assumption. i shook my head and i told her, 'go away. i don't have to know... i don't want to'. she left me alone.

maybe she was right, i had a meaning to walking that distance. i had a silent prayer embedded within me as i walked. i wanted something as i took every step, heading towards home. i needed something as i walked that path, something i always have... i know it very clear, deep inside me somewhere. and i just wish it wasn't true... so as for now, i'll deny, i'll deceive.

i do not know anything... i really really don't.

Beautifully Broken by Ashley Simpson:

It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I didn't know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow I may not get by
But I will try, I will try
Wipe the tears from my eyes

[Chorus]
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it

Everyday is a new day, I'm reminded of my past
Everytime there's another storm I know that it won't last
Every moment I'm filled with hope cause I get another chance
But I will try, I will try
Got nothing left to hide

[Chorus]
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it

Without the highs and the lows
Where would we go
Where would we go...

[Chorus]
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it
Ohh....
I'm beautifully broken
I'm beautifully broken

I'm beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it

off to do my script for debate. and then my essay... and shit. i didn't bring back my books. argh.

'i will remember you'.

i was chosen for debate. amazingly. ha. i didn't want to be chosen! i mean i know i'm not up to it. i'm not good enough... i don't want to let the team down, i don't want to cause any bad results. i'm not yet confirmed a speaker but i am one of the five-two of which are confirmed speaking- that will be part of the team. i have either the role or note taking or speaking. i'd prefer scribbling...

with everyday coming, i realised i'm getting weaker. i only had that little bit of spirit in me. it was limited. now, it's gone. used up. i'm feeling really really weak... i'd think i can drop dead on the ground any moment now. and actually, i wish i would. i really do. i can't go on like this, i can't go on like the undead. i want to live. god, let me live! you tell me i can if i let myself... i've tried. really. but death's shadow just haunts me, although it's mine...

emotionally and mentally, i'm detoriating. may time just pause. may it always have.

how are you?

I Will Remember You by Sarah Mclachlan:

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

be strong. for yourself at least.

'come fly with me'.

oh gosh. i'm so mean. i feel like stabbing stabbing at my evil self. i'm horribly evil and blunt with my words =X tsk minjun. learn learn learn!

i'm suddenly feeling slightly better...

Come Fly With Me by Michael Buble:

Come fly with me, let's fly let's fly away
If you can use some exotic booze
There's a bar in far Bombay
Come fly with me, let's fly let's fly away

Come fly with me, let's float down to Peru
In lama land, there's a one man band
And he'll toot his flute for you
Come fly with me, let's take off in the blue

Once I get you up there,
Where the air is rarefied
We'll just glide
Starry eyed
Once I get you up there
I'll be holding you so near
You may hear the angels cheer
Because we're together

Weatherwise it's such a lovely day
Just say the words, and we'll beat the birds
Down to Acapulco Bay
It's perfect, for a flying honeymoon - they say
Come fly with me, let's fly let's fly away

Once I get you up there,
Where the air is rarefied
We'll just glide
Starry eyed
Once I get you up there
I'll be holding you so near
You may hear all the angels cheer
Because we're together
Weatherwise it's such a lovely day
You just say the words, and I'll beat the birds
Down to Acapulco Bay
It's perfect, for a flying honeymoon - they say
Come fly with me
Let's fly let's fly
Pack up let's fly away

if we were in a world where age, looks, height, weight... everything, anything, didn't matter, would you just come fly with me?

'enough'.

band was fun! (: haha. amb is getting better. or so i feel =D gosh do i just love throwing ever bit of myself into the music. but i hate having to stop, and pulling myself out all over again, realising what REALLY is in my thoughts.

ha. went to school and got like numerous comments on my hair )x yes people i know. haha. i don't really LOVE my hair either. i just have to... well, accept it =X thats as far as i can get.

i have so so so much to say and do. but i don't have the guts nor the energy. and i think i might as well keep all these feelings for another day, another post, another time... i'll bottle it up for now and i hope it don't burst, just trying to keep it in.

go on, torment me. does it even matter you anymore?

So Far Down by Three Doors Down:

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

Cause now again
I've found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far downaway from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
can anyone see me down here
The feelings gone
there's nothing left to lift me up
back into the world I know

Cause now again
I've found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun
that shines to light the way for me
To find my wayback into the arms
That care about the ones like me

I'm so far down
away from the sun again
It's down to this,
I've got to make this life make sense
and now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines
to light the way fro me
Cause now again I've found myself so far down
away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down
Away from the sun again
I'm gone

minjun, you're such a bloody sucker. god, live you damn life will you?

'so far down.

ahh. somethings wrong with my right leg. i can't walk. i've been limping ever since i got home. sigh. and just now, when i was blogging, i kinda pressed the 'power' button on my bloody keyboard. got my home com shutting down )x so the whole post was deleted. sob.

i was friggin' tired just now. i decided to sleep. woke up at 10:30 did my english stuff that should have been done ages ago. so i got it done, got my dad to log on for me (: i added a few songs to my iPod, which has bloody pathetic storage space. sigh. i'd just have to make do with it =X

oh yes. i was blogging about me growing so fat that i can't fit into my jeans. sob. but i can wear my sis' halter top. this pink nice thing. i'll need to get a tube top for it though... maybe tomorrow (x after band or something. or wednesday. or tuesday. i don't know... just soon.

i think i'm turning utterly vain. haha. really. and i hate myself for wearing girly clothes but with my hairstyle now, i actually carry them off better. don't blame me xP ha. afterall my theory is that 80% of guys love girly girls who like pink and wear skirts 24/7. assholes =X

thinking about everything just gets my head hurting, my stomach churning, my chest hurting. i don't know what's with me anymore. i'm losing my sanity. i really am. i can't concentrate on anything, everything. i bet it's only me... and i'm holding on for too long. what else can i do?

okay. done. goodnight. bye.