'again and again and again...'

this is impossible impossible impossible. i'm utterly upset upset upset. and when i'm terribly horribly irritatingly upset i happen to repeat repeat repeat my words because it makes me feel slightly slightly slightly better... i want to scream. i want to cry myself blind. i can't believe what i see. i want to die...

oh gosh. let me die now now now.

Lovefool by Cardigans:

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know
And maybe there is nothing that I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought to stick to another man
A man that surely deserves me, but I think you do

So I cry, and I pray, and I beg

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me

So I cry and I pray for you to

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lately I have desperately pondered
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way to make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care as long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray, and I beg

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you (anything but you)

Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, I know that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

maybe if i just cried myself to sleep the pain will all slip out of me as the tears do too... i'd like that to happen. oh yes, i would would would.

my stomach's turning inside out. my heart's pounding. i can't breathe. chest hurts. i feel like i need to puke... and yet i still have to tell myself, all these doesn't matter anymore and it shouldn't.

oh gosh. who the hell am i trying to lie to?