'how much?'

my shrink called me just now. at 9+ and i was having tuition... if only i had picked up. if only i got to really talk to him. i really miss the way he would just make me happier, anyday, anytime. so long as he was talking, i was laughing... god. do i miss that friend in him. for now, this very moment, it's exactly all i need... or not.

this feeling of confusion, insecurity, doubt is all flooding back in one complete wave. it's hitting me hard in the face and i don't know if i can just ignore it this time. the feelings come back, different though. the situation's changed. like a lot of other things have...

i don't know what i see. i don't know what i feel. i don't know what i say. i don't know what i hear. i don't know what i think. i don't know anything about myself right now, i just live on in a complete daze. i always have haven't i? maybe, just maybe, i'm finally waking up... maybe.

naomi was right. and i was wrong... about myself.

how much more do i have to give to bring back everything? how much more? tell me, i'll give anything...