'jealousy can kill'.

i really wanted to sleep and just turn off the com when i NEEDED to really blog.

i think it's stupid how i'm such a freaking jealous person. of everything, i get jealous. so much so that i almost end up on the verge of tears at the end of the day. end up all nauseous and giddy. headache and all... so much for being a scorpio. the jealousy trait in me was somehow, one way or another, magnified by a 1000 times. i hate it. i hate me.

i'm feeling like shit. my head aches. my stomach feels empty. i feel nauseous actually... tears keep coming to me. i feel like i'm going to fall to the floor any anytime. my eyes actully HURT.

the best part of it all is that i have no valid reason to be feeling this way. no not the physical stuff... the emotional. the jealousy and all. i don't have the right to be feeling this way. because what i'm brooding over has absolutely, almost, nothing to do with me. and yet, somehow, i'm giving every chance for it to tear me. stupid it may be... i can't help it. even if i wished hard...

lets not even get on about wishes. i don't think they even should be an actual word. for what are wishes for? to dream dream dream and then tear a person's hopes up? like how you'd watch the flames turn a book into black power ash and not do anything? yes, just like that...

i tell myself to get over it. if only there was a button to press so i'd just listen. if only i were a robot with buttons all over, i wouldn't have to feel. i wouldn't have to cry... i wouldn't have to lose.

most of all, i wouldn't love. anything. anyone. you.