'i can't find the words'.

i have never felt so manipulated. so used... i feel like such a bloody fool! i can't believe i actually managed to trick myself into what i wanted to believe. what i wanted to see. what i wanted to hear. what i wanted to know... it was all this illusion i brought onto myself.

always, i felt like i was floating on your wings, tight around me, keeping me safe and warm. keeping me afloat. keeping me happy and secure. and then, today, finally, i opened my eyes awide and realised i was kidding myself. instead of floating, i was falling hard and deep, 90 miles an hour. i was falling so fast, i was gonna crash into the ground. the pressure could kill anyone... but yet, with my eyes closed, everything was different. everything was still a dream.

i see that all along, i've been holding on the a rope which i thought would keep me from falling. well, i just realised, the rope was never there. it was a creation of my hope. it was more like a deception actually...

let me re-new the story of the little girl:

there was this little beggar. she was starved and weak. her frame was rather frail, her spine, without a doubt, indeed very visible. her clothes were just yellow rags draped over her shoulders. she was so weak she could die. she had almost no energy at all to lift her head, to sit upright. all she could afford was to rest all of what was left of her on the bricked wall behind her, the walls of the alley.

her eyes drooped, and she clutched her chest. she could barely breathe. this is it she thought. and then a pair of legs stood before her. a well-dressed man, black trousers, polished shoes... she regained her composure. as she took all her energy to lift her head, she began to breathe again. and she let out a tiny little smile, the biggest of which she could afford to give, as she watch the man open his pocket and slip out a bar of chocolate. she had seen those shiny foils in the windows of the shops, but this time, she held it in her had and peeled of the shiny bits. inside held a brown semi-solid object. as she bit on it, her bites got bigger and bigger, and soon, everything melted into her mouth, leaving only a sweet taste.

she looked up at the man and smiled, this time wider. her eyes were wide and begging for more. she stared at the man very intently but he nodded and turned away, taking slow steps. her heart crumbled together with her hopes. her shoulders drooped lower than before. she opened her mouth and finally screamed for him.

this time, he stopped and slowly her turned around, looking at her with pity in his eyes. he took sturdy steps back to her. and as he stepped in front of her, she licked her lips. she watched him slide his hand ever so gently into his pocket and pull out yet another magical chocolate bar. she reached out her boney fingers for the silver foil. and just as her fingertips brushed against the mental surface, a little pudgy girl ran over and tugged at the man's pants.

he turned around and exclaimed with so much joy in his voice, with that he bent down, the chocolate bar still firmly in his grip, and picked his daughter up, swinging her over his shoulders. the beggar sat from her position and stared, chrestfallen at the man... he slowly unfolded the foil and slipped the chocolate bar, bit by bit, into his daughter's mouth, who then threw her arms around his neck as he stepped away from the alley.

the beggar girl watched his silhouette fade away. tears in her eyes, she didn't call out, she didn't scream... she was convinced that was nothing she could do anymore. that was it. oh yes this is it.


there. my story's done.

you know, you once said you'd be here when i needed you... where the hell are you? i'm searching and searching, i don't see you anywhere near... was those words a lie or was everything else too?


i still want to be preoccupied on the night of valentine's day. but what am i dreaming of? why am i dreaming and hoping for something impossible?