'i fell hard and deep, pick me up please'.

i was just thinking and i realised that i've always been this way. since young. i've never been a person who could forget and let go very well... i always beared grudges when i was a child. and i always remember unfortunate and unhappy memories. and it just happens that i, sadly, have not changed a single bit. and unfortunately, i don't see any positive lookout on this. doubt i ever will...

it's about time i learn. but picking such a 'skill' up now isn't going to be easy, i know. it's going to be extremely hard actually... and my angel, watch over me, guide me. please. i need you to hold my hand and lead the way. i've fell and this time, harder than ever. i kind of jumped off actually. i fell on my own accord... but now i beg of you to pick me up and help me stand up back onto my feet and lead me back to living...

i want to let go of all these feelings. i want to let go of all these memories. i want to pretend as though everything was a dream, a fantasy that i sickly made up in my mind... i want to be the psycho who hallucinated her life through.

everytime i find myself thinking back to what is now, nothing. i ask myself why the hell i still dream. i ask myself what i'm hanging on to exactly. i ask why i do this to myself...

Fallen by Sarah Mclachlen:

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I have held so dear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one misstep one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

pull me up from this mess that i willingly plopped myself into.